{"id":40819,"date":"2020-01-21T06:00:21","date_gmt":"2020-01-21T14:00:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=40819"},"modified":"2020-02-06T11:07:15","modified_gmt":"2020-02-06T19:07:15","slug":"for-parents-how-to-navigate-your-childs-separation-anxiety","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/for-parents-how-to-navigate-your-childs-separation-anxiety-0121207","title":{"rendered":"For Parents: How to Navigate Your Child&#8217;s Separation Anxiety"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignleft size-medium wp-image-40820\" src=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/01\/clingy-child-hugging-mom-300x216.jpg\" alt=\"Child hugging parent as they pack suitcases into car for a trip\" width=\"300\" height=\"216\" title=\"\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/01\/clingy-child-hugging-mom-300x216.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/01\/clingy-child-hugging-mom.jpg 700w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/>Separation anxiety is one of the most common challenges <a href=\"\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/parenting\">parents<\/a> face. It can make leaving a child with a caregiver or at daycare difficult and can undermine quality of life for both the parent and child. Separation anxiety is also completely normal, especially in very young <a href=\"\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/child-and-adolescent-issues\">children<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>Children naturally long to be close to their caregivers, and separations compromise that closeness. Managing separation anxiety requires parents to balance the child\u2019s need to be close to them with the expectation that children will become progressively more independent as they get older.<\/p>\n<p>In some children, separation anxiety persists well beyond the toddler and preschool years, affecting their ability to comfortably attend school or spend time with friends. This type of severe separation anxiety affects 4% of children and 1.6% of teenagers.<\/p>\n<p><span class=\"popout-quote-right\" style=\"font-weight: bold; width: 30%; float: right;\">Separation anxiety usually begins when a child is 6 or 7 months old, then peaks in the toddler and preschool years.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2>Separation Anxiety in Children: Symptoms and What\u2019s Normal<\/h2>\n<p>Separation anxiety usually begins when a child is 6 or 7 months old, then peaks in the toddler and preschool years. Older children may have occasional bouts of separation anxiety, especially in new situations such as before going to sleepaway camp.<\/p>\n<p>Babies and young children may have symptoms such as:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Not wanting to sleep alone<\/li>\n<li>Crying when a caregiver leaves<\/li>\n<li>Throwing <a href=\"\/blog\/psychpedia\/tantrum\">tantrums<\/a> to prevent a caregiver from leaving<\/li>\n<li>Being anxious about serparations<\/li>\n<li>Clinging to a parent before serparations<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Older children may have additional symptoms, including:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Lying and other behaviors to avoid going to school<\/li>\n<li>Changes in behavior as a separation approaches<\/li>\n<li>Excessive <a href=\"\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/worry\">worry<\/a> about a parent or other loved one<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2>When Separation Anxiety Is Extreme: What Is Separation Anxiety Disorder?<\/h2>\n<p>When separation anxiety is severe and chronic, or when it interferes with daily life, it may be considered a mental health <a href=\"\/blog\/psychpedia\/diagnosis\">diagnosis<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>Researchers do not know what causes separation anxiety disorder. Like other mental health conditions, it is likely a combination of social, biological, and psychological factors. Children with a history of <a href=\"\/blog\/psychpedia\/trauma\">trauma<\/a> or <a href=\"\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/abuse\">abuse<\/a> may be more vulnerable. Symptoms usually appear in elementary school, between third and fifth grades. They include:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Being terrified to sleep alone<\/li>\n<li>Excessive, chronic worry about the safety of a parent<\/li>\n<li>Refusing to go to school or crying each day before school<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"\/blog\/psychpedia\/nightmare\">Nightmares<\/a> about separation<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/somatization\">Physical complaints<\/a> such as muscle pain and stomach aches<\/li>\n<li>Not wanting to be alone<\/li>\n<li>Chronic worry about getting lost<\/li>\n<li>Unusual safety concerns<\/li>\n<li>Being clingy in a way that is not age typical, such as when a 10-year-old wants to be with their parents and not their friends<\/li>\n<li>Not wanting to do fun things or spend time with friends if it means being away from home<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2>How to Deal with Separation Anxiety<\/h2>\n<p>Separation anxiety is no one\u2019s fault. It is not a sign that a child is spoiled or <a href=\"\/blog\/psychpedia\/manipulation\">manipulative<\/a>. The distress children feel is very real, though as children get older, they learn that vocal expressions of distress may stop their parents from leaving. When dealing with separation anxiety, parents should not:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Punish children.<\/li>\n<li>Lie about separations. Sneaking out of the house after promising not to leave can erode <a href=\"\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/trust-issues\">trust<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Say things that might trigger <a href=\"\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/anxiety\">anxiety<\/a>. If a child is showing no signs of separation anxiety, don\u2019t reassure them or tell them how brave they are to go off on their own.<\/li>\n<li>Make goodbyes last too long. It\u2019s natural to want to comfort a crying child, but long goodbyes and long buildups to inevitable departures may actually prolong a child\u2019s suffering.<\/li>\n<li>Panic or look distressed. Parents love their children and do not want to see them sad. But when parents express sadness or <a href=\"\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/fear\">fear<\/a> about separations, this can make the child think there is real danger.<\/li>\n<li>Reward children for separations. Rewards and punishments are controversial for many reasons. Even experts who support them agree that they work best for behaviors children choose\u2014such as cleaning up a bedroom or doing homework. Separation anxiety is an emotional reaction, not a behavioral choice.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Choosing the right care provider is also critical for reducing separation anxiety. Daycare providers, nannies, and babysitters who are sensitive to the child\u2019s needs can help. Talk to care providers about the importance of comforting and distracting the child\u2014not ignoring them while they cry or punishing them for becoming anxious.<\/p>\n<p>Some research suggests that forming a close <a href=\"\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/attachment\">attachment<\/a> to a loving, accessible secondary care provider can ease separation anxiety. This means that daycares that provide the same carer each day, nannies, and consistent babysitters may be better options than an ever-shifting roster of childcare providers.<\/p>\n<p>Some other strategies parents can adopt to ease separations include:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Develop a comfortable (but short) ritual for separations. Some children like to have a special blanket, sing a song, or get a set number of kisses.<\/li>\n<li>Talk to children about why they are anxious. Young children may have trouble articulating their fears, but older children can often explain them. You may find that the problem is not separation, but something else, like a mean teacher or <a href=\"\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/bullying\">bully<\/a> at school.<\/li>\n<li>Explain departures in language children can understand. For example, you might tell a toddler that you will see them after their nap, at dinner, or in \u201cthree sleeps.\u201d<\/li>\n<li>Be honest and keep promises. Don\u2019t say you won\u2019t leave, that you will only leave when the child gives permission, or that you will be back in just a minute if these things aren\u2019t true.<\/li>\n<li>Practice separations in low-stress contexts. Try dropping a child off at grandpa\u2019s house for an hour or inviting a beloved uncle or aunt to take them on an outing. This gets the child used to separations and can help with preparing for the transition to school.<\/li>\n<li>Don\u2019t spend lots of time talking about the separation before it happens. This can build anxiety.<\/li>\n<li>When your departure draws near, talk about the fun things your child can do while you are gone.<\/li>\n<li>Be loving and affectionate, not distracted or frustrated, during departures.<\/li>\n<li>Develop a plan with caregivers for supporting a child with separation anxiety. Each care provider should have several strategies they can try to help calm a child who is anxious or upset. Care providers should never ignore or punish a crying child.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Separation anxiety can be difficult for both parents and children. Parents may feel <a href=\"\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/stress\">stress<\/a> at each separation or adjust their entire lives to reduce separations when a child has intense anxiety. This can affect an entire family, and even undermine careers. A therapist can help families manage separation anxiety in a way that minimizes trauma and honors the needs of every family member. GoodTherapy can help you <a href=\"\/find-therapist.html\">find a therapist<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>References:<\/strong><\/p>\n<ol>\n<li>Bowlby, R. (2007). Babies and toddlers in non-parental daycare can avoid stress and anxiety if they develop a lasting secondary attachment bond with one carer who is consistently accessible to them. <em>Attachment &amp; Human Development, 9<\/em>(4), 307-319. doi: 10.1080\/14616730701711516<\/li>\n<li>Ehmke, R. (n.d.). What is separation anxiety?. Retrieved from https:\/\/childmind.org\/article\/what-is-separation-anxiety<\/li>\n<li>Krecklow, L. L. (2018, August 28). Separation anxiety: Dos and don&#8217;ts to help your child (and you) be brave. Retrieved from https:\/\/gozen.com\/separation-anxiety-dos-and-donts-to-help-your-child-and-you-be-brave<\/li>\n<li>Separation anxiety disorder in children. (n.d.). Stanford Children&#8217;s Health. Retrieved from https:\/\/www.stanfordchildrens.org\/en\/topic\/default?id=separation-anxiety-disorder-90-P02582<\/li>\n<li>Swanson, W. S. (2015, November 21). How to ease your child&#8217;s separation anxiety. Retrieved from https:\/\/www.healthychildren.org\/English\/ages-stages\/toddler\/Pages\/Soothing-Your-Childs-Separation-Anxiety.aspx<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Separation anxiety is common in toddlers and young children. How can parents best support children whose fear of separation persists?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2555,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542,623],"tags":[1222,21,51,25,1305],"class_list":["post-40819","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","category-issues-treated","tag-anxiety-in-children","tag-child-and-adolescent-issues","tag-healthy-parenting","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-separation"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40819","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2555"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=40819"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40819\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=40819"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=40819"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=40819"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}