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Jealousy and envy can be complex to understand and work through, whether you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re experiencing them yourself or facing them from someone else.<\/p>\nJealousy and envy can be complex to understand and work through, whether you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re experiencing them yourself or facing them from someone else.<\/p>\n
These normal human emotions can help people know when to take action to protect people and things important to them. Experiencing jealousy<\/a> doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t make someone a bad or toxic person. But not addressing it (or dealing with it in unhealthy ways) can affect emotional well-being, lead to resentment, and cause relationships to fester.<\/p>\n Friendships<\/a> characterized by jealousy or envy<\/a> may become toxic, so we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re offering some guidance on how to recognize jealousy in a friendship and productive ways to cope with it.<\/p>\n There\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s nothing wrong with wanting nice things, whether these are possessions, promising opportunities, or good relationships. In fact, many people generally feel some level of envy when a friend or loved one experiences success. But these feelings usually pass before long. Often they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re outweighed by an individual\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s support or happiness for their friend, even if they still have a lingering desire for what their friend has.<\/p>\n However, sometimes these feelings don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t clear up, and you may begin to notice changes in a friend\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s behavior. The following six signs can suggest a friend may be struggling with envy.<\/p>\n When something good happens, you want to tell your closest friends about it. But instead of congratulating or supporting you, an envious friend might point out the possible downsides or have only negative things to say<\/a>. Alternatively, they could offer congratulations that seem superficial or fake.<\/p>\n If you share something positive from your life, a friend dealing with jealousy might respond by sharing something similar, only bigger or better. In other words, you may notice a pattern of behavior where they not only imitate you, but also try to go one step farther.<\/p>\n For example, say you make your first major purchase: a new car. Just a few months later, they purchase the exact same car\u00e2\u20ac\u201dbut the newest model. Of course, purchasing the same car doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t always indicate jealousy. They might simply like the car. This behavior is more likely to suggest jealousy when it happens along with other signs.<\/p>\n You might also notice they tend to quickly turn a conversation toward their own accomplishments or successes. Perhaps you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re talking to a group of friends about becoming serious with the person you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been seeing for a while. But this particular friend refocuses the conversation by mentioning they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re planning to move in with their partner next month.<\/p>\n A friend experiencing jealousy can quickly make you feel guilty<\/a> or bad about an accomplishment or success, no matter how wonderful you felt about it originally. They might do this intentionally or unintentionally\u00e2\u20ac\u201dit\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not always easy to tell. But it can still get you down.<\/p>\n A jealous friend might also insist you were just lucky. They may make you feel as if you aren’t worthy of your successes or that you just happened to be in the right place at the right time. You may be told to “enjoy your luck while you can.”<\/p>\n Some people who tend toward pessimism<\/a> often bring up what they see as potential drawbacks of a situation. This doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t always indicate jealousy. In their mind, they may simply want to help you prepare for a negative outcome because they care. Regardless, if this behavior bothers you, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s important to point this out and talk to your friend about how you feel.<\/p>\n Reach out to one of our therapists in Salt Lake City, UT<\/a> or find a therapis<\/a>t in a city near you.\u00c2\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n People who lack a well-developed sense of self-worth<\/a>, feel inferior to others, or feel insecure<\/a> about their own abilities may be more prone to jealousy. They might also experience stronger feelings of jealousy.<\/p>\n According to a 2009 study published in the Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology<\/em>, preteens and young teens<\/a> who felt like they couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have the friendships they desired or felt insecure about their friendships appeared to be more vulnerable to jealousy. The study also found that increased jealousy often led to problems with friends and emotional turmoil.<\/p>\n Research from 2005 also found adolescents with lower levels of self-worth also reported more friendship jealousy than adolescents with higher levels of self-worth.<\/p>\n Someone who\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s jealous of what you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve achieved\u00e2\u20ac\u201da promotion, a new relationship, or even just a better apartment\u00e2\u20ac\u201dprobably won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t offer much support. They may even go so far as to say hurtful things, whether they intend them to hurt you or not. They could also actively discourage you from pursuing your goals further.<\/p>\n If you notice sharing certain things with your friend sparks a negative reaction, you might choose to keep your accomplishments to yourself. You may also make a habit of putting yourself down around them, even when you know you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve done something well.<\/p>\n While your goal might be to shield your friend and protect your friendship, this strategy usually doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t help. If you talk down a success or achievement, your friend may simply see that as not appreciating your luck or advantages. This won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t do much to lessen their jealousy, and they may also come to resent<\/a> you.<\/p>\n Remember that envy and jealousy are both normal. Your friend may even be aware of their behavior but not know how to manage their feelings any differently. Talking about the issue often works better than pretending it doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t exist.<\/p>\n Persistent jealousy can come between friends. If you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve noticed signs of jealousy or feel your friendship has changed, talking about it can help.<\/p>\n The way you start the conversation can make a big difference. Rather than accusing your friend of being jealous, focus on a few behaviors\u00e2\u20ac\u201dnegative comments, for example\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthat concern you. Use \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u009d statements<\/a> to tell your friend how you feel.<\/p>\n The negativity accompanying your friend\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s envy might be fueled by the fear that you, or the friendship, will change.<\/span>Although your friend\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s behavior may frustrate you, try to focus on what you value about them and the friendship you share.\u00c2\u00a0 Consider things from their point of view, especially if you know they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve dealt with challenges recently. Although they care for you and feel happy for you, seeing your success may cause pain if they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve recently experienced a setback in the same area.<\/p>\n It can also help to consider your own behavior. There\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s nothing wrong with wanting to share your good news, and you shouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t feel you have to keep achievements from your loved ones. But if you just bought a new car or starting dating someone great, ask yourself if you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been bringing that up a lot lately. Try focusing conversations on things your friend values instead. Point out things you value about them or congratulate their achievements\u00e2\u20ac\u201djust make sure you do so sincerely.<\/p>\nSix Signs Your Friend Is Jealous<\/h2>\n
1. They greet your good news with negativity<\/h3>\n
2. They frequently try to outdo or one-up you<\/h3>\n
3. They make you feel bad about yourself<\/h3>\n
4. They struggle with insecurity and self-esteem<\/h3>\n
6. They don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t offer support<\/h3>\n
The Trap of Self-Deprecation<\/h2>\n
Talking About Jealousy with an Open Mind<\/h2>\n
When Your Friendship Needs a Break<\/h2>\n