{"id":40316,"date":"2019-07-17T06:00:52","date_gmt":"2019-07-17T13:00:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=40316"},"modified":"2019-07-16T12:03:26","modified_gmt":"2019-07-16T19:03:26","slug":"how-to-repair-a-relationship-in-5-steps","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/how-to-repair-a-relationship-in-5-steps-0717194","title":{"rendered":"How to Repair a Relationship in 5 Steps"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"FemaleThere are a couple things we know about power<\/a> and relationships: Power is the ability to have influence on others. Power is relational and relationships are messy. We inevitably hurt each other.<\/p>\n

Good intentions are essential, but not enough to ensure we are using our power well. Our impact is often different from our intentions. We may be surprised by cultural<\/a> differences, differing world perspectives, and differing values. We make mistakes, and we may (often accidentally) misuse power. Most misuses of power are made by people who have lots of power due to their roles and privilege, good intentions, lack of awareness about their impact on others, and limited understanding about the dynamics of power.<\/p>\n

There are three main reasons why many conflicts escalate and don\u2019t turn out well. We may avoid conflict because it is often associated with loss<\/a>, pain, and even trauma<\/a>. We might respond defensively to misunderstandings, hurt, and feedback. And because we most often don\u2019t intend to cause harm, it can be hard to acknowledge or even see when we are responsible for hurt or conflict.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s the good news: Most relationship difficulties can be resolved quickly, and the relationship can be repaired and even grow stronger. When hurt or misunderstood, most people need one or more of the following things. Here is an example: A teacher, trying to promote growth and learning, gave a student some challenging feedback about their presentation. Later, the student came to the teacher confused and hurt by what they had said.<\/p>\n

We may avoid conflict because it is often associated with loss, pain, and even trauma. We might respond defensively to misunderstandings, hurt, and feedback.<\/span><\/p>\n

5 Steps to Repair Any Relationship<\/h2>\n

1. Acknowledgement<\/h3>\n

It’s important for someone to have their pain, upset, or confusion acknowledged. \u201cYou seemed really upset about my feedback. I realize my words may have been painful. Can you tell me more about what that was like for you?\u201d<\/p>\n

2. Intention<\/h3>\n

Someone may want to know what your intention was without having you reassign blame or validate your behavior. \u201cI was intending to offer you some useful information about how you were using your voice.\u201d (Please note that this is a short description. If you use only this step, or go too deeply into intention, people may experience this as an excuse.)<\/p>\n

3. Apology<\/h3>\n

They want an apology. Here is a good formula: This is what I regret (specific behavior), and this is what I learned and what I’m doing to make sure it doesn\u2019t happen again. For example, \u201cI regret<\/a> several things\u2014that I didn\u2019t ask you if this was a good time, didn\u2019t give you a concrete example, and didn\u2019t clarify that it was about how you used your voice, not who you are. Next time, I will be more clear in what I say and check in first about whether this would be a good time.\u201d<\/p>\n

An effective apology is deeply important for healing and repair. For an apology to land well, it needs to be behaviorally specific and involve taking personal responsibility. These are some examples of apologies that don\u2019t get the job done:<\/p>\n