{"id":39859,"date":"2019-03-11T06:00:25","date_gmt":"2019-03-11T13:00:25","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=39859"},"modified":"2024-02-16T11:17:01","modified_gmt":"2024-02-16T16:17:01","slug":"is-it-still-gaslighting-if-my-partner-has-aspergers","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/is-it-still-gaslighting-if-my-partner-has-aspergers-0311194","title":{"rendered":"Is It Still Gaslighting If My Partner Has Asperger’s?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"YoungAuthor’s note:<\/strong> It is always a challenge to choose genders when writing about neurodiverse couples. Here I use the example of an autistic man and a neurotypical woman. I don\u2019t mean to imply there are no cases in which this is reversed. It\u2019s just that at this time, men are diagnosed at a 4:1 ratio to women, and in my practice, it is the majority of men who are the autistic partners. This could reflect the higher frequency of autism among men, or it could mean more couples like this present for counseling than couples in which the autistic partner is female. It is also important to note that individuals on the spectrum can be susceptible to gaslighting from others, and I will address this in a separate article.<\/em><\/p>\n

In my work with neurodiverse couples in which one partner is autistic<\/a>, one of the words I hear most often is \u201cgaslighting<\/a>.\u201d Here\u2019s an example:<\/p>\n

\u201cIt would be one thing if we just fought like other couples who eventually make up. But that\u2019s not how it is with us. Instead, we argue about something, and he tells me I\u2019m being irrational. Or childish. Or critical. Then he shuts down. Often, he storms out of the room. If I try to bring it up later, he tells me I\u2019m imagining things, that he didn\u2019t say that, or if he did say it, he didn\u2019t mean it the way I took it. He says I\u2019m being too sensitive. And he shuts down again. I\u2019m left feeling as if I\u2019ll explode with frustration. I\u2019m furious. And I have nowhere to go with it. I start to wonder if he\u2019s right about me. I don\u2019t know what to believe anymore. Is this gaslighting?\u201d<\/p>\n

Gaslighting Defined<\/h2>\n

In brief, gaslighting is a term that derives from the 1944 movie called Gaslight<\/em> in which a husband successfully manipulates his wife into doubting her own reality. The husband in the story has a dark secret which is at the root of everything he says and does to his wife. To him, she is not a person with her own interior life. She is a pawn in his selfish game, which until the end he plays shrewdly enough to cause her to doubt her own version of reality.<\/p>\n

“Instead, we argue about something, and he tells me I\u2019m being irrational. Or childish. Or critical. Then he shuts down. Often, he storms out of the room. If I try to bring it up later, he tells me I\u2019m imagining things, that he didn\u2019t say that, or if he did say it, he didn\u2019t mean it the way I took it.”<\/span><\/p>\n

In reference to the flickering gaslights in the story, this effect has become known as gaslighting: intentionally treating a person in such a way as to cause confusion and cognitive dissonance, which eventually lead to collapse into self-doubt<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Of note is that at the heart of the husband\u2019s motivation is a desire for riches, symbolized by jewels. This part of the story is often overlooked, but it is worth consideration when we are talking about autistic behavior.<\/p>\n

Questioning Reality in Neurodiverse Relationships<\/h2>\n

First, let\u2019s return to the comments of the neurotypical partner I quoted above. One way to view her statement is in terms of gaslighting, just as it is laid out in the movie.<\/p>\n

In this model, time after time, incident after incident, she is cajoled into questioning what her own eyes, ears, and heart are telling her. Finally, she gives up. She begins to believe the mirror her partner holds up to her reflects an accurate representation of who she is. In order to believe that, she has been forced to discount any impulse of her own that contradicts such an image. She collapses into self-doubt. His manipulation<\/a> has succeeded. Does this make him right? His smugness suggests that he believes so. He feels clever. He has won.<\/p>\n

What would motivate someone to treat another person this way? Such manipulation may be observable in certain personality disorders, such as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)<\/a>, antisocial personality disorder<\/a>, and borderline personality disorder (BPD)<\/a>. In short, it is not healthy to intentionally set out to dominate someone else by negating that person\u2019s reality. Such individuals leave a trail of emotional wreckage in the lives of others. Shelves full of books and countless hours of therapy are devoted to helping those victimized by such manipulators.<\/p>\n

Looking Beyond the Behavior: Self-Protection<\/h2>\n

Behind the behavior of the personality disordered, there is an unconscious drive to protect that which feels threatened, which is usually the person\u2019s self-worth. In twisted logic, anything that might compromise such fragile emotional integrity must be extinguished at all costs before it can extinguish the very life of the manipulator. This may be felt as desperation.<\/p>\n

As a result, manipulation can be rationalized. It may not be viewed as a choice but rather as a necessity for survival. Incidentally, there is no respect for someone who can be manipulated, which makes further mistreatment easier and may even be viewed as what the person deserves.<\/p>\n

But this is not the motivation of someone with autism.<\/p>\n

The Tragic Dance of the Neurodiverse Couple<\/h2>\n

The jewels an autistic person guards could best be described as personal integration and a sense of security in who he is. Threats may come from feeling overwhelmed emotionally in the face of what seems like unmanageable ambiguity and uncertainty, which often lead to untenably high anxiety<\/a>. Reducing that anxiety, consciously or not, is the most likely driver for behavior that appears to be gaslighting in someone with Asperger\u2019s.<\/p>\n

Reducing that anxiety, consciously or not, is the most likely driver for behavior that appears to be gaslighting in someone with Asperger\u2019s.<\/span><\/p>\n

Often, this person is oblivious to the harmful effects of his behavior and doubts the validity of someone\u2019s observation that it might be gaslighting. The fact is that I have never met an autistic person whose conscious intent is to manipulate his partner.<\/p>\n

But the key phrase is \u201cconscious intent.\u201d Because even though a person with Asperger\u2019s may not mean to manipulate (gaslight) his partner, her actual experience is the same as it would be if intent were there.<\/p>\n

In short, we have a couple in which one partner feels as if he is fighting for survival and another partner who feels as if she is fighting for survival, and in a two-way charge, one person\u2019s means of doing so obliterates the reality of the other. It is what I call the tragic dance of the neurodiverse couple.<\/p>\n

Addressing the Tragic Dance in Couples Counseling<\/h2>\n

The autistic person can learn in counseling<\/a> that his behavior has the effect of invalidating his partner\u2019s emotional life. He can come to understand that even though he does not intend to inflict such pain, the effect is real. Her dismayed and perhaps argumentative behavior is how a neurotypical person might justifiably respond to what feels like manipulative behavior from someone else. She is not trying to criticize him. She is trying to express her pain.<\/p>\n

More often than not, this realization is met with deep remorse and often guilt<\/a>. In time, he can learn to understand his own way of being in the world without judging himself harshly as being wrong or defective, because that is not the correct metric. Emotional support for him is key to his growth in this area.<\/p>\n

The neurotypical partner can learn, first and foremost, that her response to feeling manipulated is normal. Her pain and confusion are normal. They are valid. She must be allowed to acknowledge and heal her wounds, because it doesn\u2019t matter whether she was stabbed intentionally or inadvertently: she is still bleeding.<\/p>\n

The second step, though, is to begin to understand that her autistic partner is not trying to hurt her; instead, what she experiences as manipulation is his way of trying to reduce omnipresent anxiety, which usually derives from a lifelong experience of not quite getting things right when it comes to understanding someone else\u2019s emotions. She needs emotional support in order to move forward. At the same time, she also has to come to terms with the fact that her partner\u2019s way of offering this support may not align with her idea of what that support must look like.<\/p>\n

The way to view communication<\/a> in a neurodiverse couple, or any couple, is in terms of its effectiveness. This is the only metric that matters. It\u2019s not a matter of who is right or who is wrong. The goal of communication is mutual understanding. In order to improve communication skills and strategies, recognizing differences with an effort to respect them without judgment becomes the foundation for growth in the relationship<\/a>.<\/p>\n

When I work with couples, we concentrate on slowing down conversational speed, considering linguistics and the formal logic of argument, and identifying the emotional subtext and context inherent in communication. It takes time. It takes practice. It is not always successful. When it is, it can be described as a process of two steps forward and one step back as two parallel lives learn to build bridges between two lines that will never completely merge.<\/p>\n

Learning to trust deeply after years of being hurt, having the faith that being vulnerable<\/a> one more time might be worth the risk, accepting that one\u2019s interpretation of another\u2019s behavior may not be the same as that person\u2019s intent: these are the challenges.<\/p>\n

It can\u2019t be gaslighting without the intent to manipulate. Regardless, it can feel like gaslighting. Education about neurodiversity, skilled counseling, and communication in renewed mutual respect create the tools for interrupting this revolving door.<\/p>\n

Reference:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Gaslight (1944). (n.d.). Retrieved from https:\/\/www.imdb.com\/title\/tt0036855<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In neurodiverse couples, behavior of the autistic partner may be interpreted by the other as gaslighting. But is it still gaslighting when the intent isn’t there?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2574,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542,623],"tags":[454,858,643,1202,25],"class_list":["post-39859","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","category-issues-treated","tag-aspbergers-autism","tag-couples-counseling","tag-gaslighting","tag-neurodiversity","tag-psychotherapy-issues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39859","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2574"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=39859"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39859\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=39859"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=39859"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=39859"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}