{"id":39848,"date":"2019-03-06T06:00:12","date_gmt":"2019-03-06T14:00:12","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=39848"},"modified":"2019-03-06T10:00:30","modified_gmt":"2019-03-06T18:00:30","slug":"a-dream-deferred-are-you-living-vicariously-through-your-child","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/dream-deferred-are-you-living-vicariously-through-your-child-0306197","title":{"rendered":"\u00a0A Dream Deferred: Are You Living Vicariously Through Your Child?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-39849 alignleft\" src=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/03\/mother_drives_son_home_from_soccer_championship-300x200.jpg\" alt=\"Boy showing his soccer mom the trophy he won in summer camp\" width=\"300\" height=\"200\" title=\"\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/03\/mother_drives_son_home_from_soccer_championship-300x200.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/03\/mother_drives_son_home_from_soccer_championship.jpg 724w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/>No life is free of disappointment. For some people, disappointment is a passing frustration or perhaps a reason to try harder to achieve a different dream. Some <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/parenting\">parents<\/a>, however, deal with disappointment by living vicariously through their children.<\/p>\n<p>Although many people have witnessed this phenomenon at sports games, spelling bees, and parent-teacher conferences, few researchers have studied it. A 2013 study was one of the first to provide experimental evidence that parents do indeed attempt to redeem broken dreams through their children. The researchers found that parents can feel pride in their children\u2019s achievements and even heal old wounds. When taken to extremes, however, living vicariously through a child can damage both the child and the parent.<\/p>\n<h2>Signs You May be Living Vicariously Through Your Child<\/h2>\n<p>It can be difficult for parents to decide whether they\u2019re involved and supportive or obsessed with pushing their children to fulfill their own broken dreams. Most parents encourage children to do things the parents enjoy. For example, parents who love reading may take their children to bookstores, while avid gardeners may relish spending time in the yard with dirt-loving toddlers. There\u2019s nothing wrong with this, as long as parents follow a child\u2019s lead and allow children to pursue their own interests.<\/p>\n<p>Some signs that you might be living vicariously through your child include:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Becoming obsessively involved in your child\u2019s activities, at the expense of your own well-being or hobbies. This behavior is sometimes called <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/helicopter-parenting\">helicopter parenting<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Forcing children to do things they don\u2019t want to do that are either unnecessary or offer no additional benefits. For example, all children must eat their vegetables and go to school, but there is no reason a child needs to do a specific activity, such as football or art camp.<\/li>\n<li>Making decisions about your child\u2019s life because of your own disappointments. For example, a parent might be living vicariously if they refuse to let a child quit basketball because the parent regrets quitting basketball.<\/li>\n<li>Seeing your child\u2019s behavior and activities as a reflection of your own worth.<\/li>\n<li>Ignoring your child\u2019s needs or interests. For instance, a parent might push their child to take art classes when that child really wants to play baseball.<\/li>\n<li>Punishing a child for poor performance at extracurricular activities.<\/li>\n<li>Experiencing intense emotions related to your child\u2019s athletic or academic performance.<\/li>\n<li>Telling your child how to think and feel about certain hobbies or goals. For instance, if a child insists that they hate baseball, a parent might angrily tell the child not to feel that way.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2>Why Parents Project Dreams Onto Their Children<\/h2>\n<p>Most parents want their children to have excellent lives. For many, this means encouraging children not to make the same mistakes they did, Many parents also feel pressure to give their kids certain advantages or to conform to an unrealistic ideal of parenthood. Parenting culture can be competitive, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/shame\">shame<\/a>-inducing, and exhausting. When combined with a parent\u2019s <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/regret\">regret<\/a> about their own childhood, it\u2019s easy to see why some parents project dreams onto their children.<\/p>\n<p>Most parents do not intend to harm their children and truly believe they are doing what is in a child\u2019s best interests. It\u2019s important to look beyond your motives and consider the role your emotions and experiences might play in your parenting decisions.<\/p>\n<p>For a small minority of parents, children can act as a narcissistic supply. These parents may use their children as a way to gain acclaim or attention. This behavior pattern is prevalent among people with <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/narcissism\">narcissistic personality<\/a>, though not all people who do this have NPD. If you use your child to feel good about yourself, you may be behaving narcissistically.<\/p>\n<h2>Why Your Children Can\u2019t Fill Your Dreams<\/h2>\n<p>Children are separate people from their parents. They inevitably develop different interests and dreams, even when they also share much in common with their parents. Attempting to fulfill a dream through a child is inherently harmful because it ignores that child\u2019s individuality. Pushing a child into a predetermined role can snuff out the child\u2019s unique gifts and interests, preventing the child from achieving their own dreams or realizing their own potential.<\/p>\n<p><span class=\"popout-quote-left\" style=\"font-weight: bold; width: 30%; float: left;\">When parents try to get their own needs met by living vicariously through their offspring, it puts tremendous pressure on the child and reverses the proper roles.<\/span>In a healthy parent-child relationship, love and support flow from the parent to the child. Attempting to fill emotional voids through a child can cause a parent to ignore a child\u2019s needs or fail to give the child the unconditional love and support that are hallmarks of good parenting.<\/p>\n<p>In its most extreme forms, living vicariously through a child can be a form of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/abuse\/recognizing\">abuse<\/a>. Parents may aggressively pigeonhole a child into a role, ignoring the child\u2019s needs and feelings. Some parents even become physically or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/emotional-abuse\">emotionally abusive<\/a> in an attempt to get their children to excel at certain activities. These parents might spank their children for not practicing piano or insult a child\u2019s appearance before a beauty pageant.<\/p>\n<p>As children grow and learn, their key task is one of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/individuation\">individuation<\/a>\u2014separating from their parents and establishing a unique identity. Parents must help them do this by supporting children to pursue their own dreams. When parents are unwilling or unable to do this, children\u2019s emotional and intellectual growth may be stunted. This can make it difficult for children to succeed as adults, to feel a sense of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/self-efficacy\">self-efficacy<\/a>, or to make decisions without a parent\u2019s input.<\/p>\n<h2>How Therapy Can Help You Live Your Own Life<\/h2>\n<p>\u201cIt is a parent\u2019s job to do what is in their children\u2019s best interest. That includes the parent dealing with his or her own emotions in ways that best further the healthy development of the children. When parents try to get their own needs met by living vicariously through their offspring, it puts tremendous pressure on the child and reverses the proper roles. In this scenario the child is being pressured to meet their parent\u2019s needs, which is very destructive to proper child development.\u00a0\u00a0In order to avoid this course, parents are wise to seek out psychological help so that they can process their feelings and unmet needs with a professional instead of burdening their children with those feelings and needs,\u201d says <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/therapists\/profile\/johannes-kieding--20160129\">Johannes Kieding, LCSW<\/a>, a Tucson, Arizona, psychotherapist.<\/p>\n<p>Therapy can help both parents and children deal with the harmful aftermath of vicarious living. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/family-therapy.html\">Family therapy<\/a> can help families manage conflicts stemming from this harmful parenting style by giving children a voice, fostering effective <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/communication-issues\">communication<\/a>, and providing a safe space to discuss alternative parenting strategies.<\/p>\n<p>Parents who feel compelled to live vicariously through a child can also find great relief from individual therapy. A therapist can:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Help a parent grieve the loss of their childhood ambitions.<\/li>\n<li>Support a parent to set new goals and find new ways to fulfill their dreams.<\/li>\n<li>Offer insight into parenting style and provide feedback on whether a parent is supporting their child\u2019s dreams in a healthy way.<\/li>\n<li>Address issues of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/identity-issues\">identity<\/a>. Some parents derive their sole source of identity from their children. This can initiate a cycle of guilt, shame, frustration, and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/resentment\">resentment<\/a>. A therapist can disrupt this cycle by supporting parents to establish separate identities.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/find-therapist.html\">A compassionate therapist<\/a> can help you live a life of purpose without foisting your dreams onto your child.<\/p>\n<p><strong>References:<\/strong><\/p>\n<ol>\n<li>Brummelman, E., Thomaes, S., Slagt, M., Overbeek, G., Castro, B. O., &amp; Bushman, B. J. (2013). My child redeems my broken dreams: On parents transferring their unfulfilled ambitions onto their child.\u00a0<em>PLOS ONE,<\/em>\u00a0<em>8<\/em>(6). Retrieved from https:\/\/journals.plos.org\/plosone\/article?id=10.1371\/journal.pone.0065360<\/li>\n<li>Diagnostic criteria for 301.81 narcissistic personality disorder. (n.d.). Retrieved from https:\/\/behavenet.com\/diagnostic-criteria-30181-narcissistic-personality-disorder<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Some parents try to push unfulfilled dreams onto their children. How do you tell the difference between healthy pride in your child and unhealthy projection?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2555,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542,623],"tags":[1367,51,1347],"class_list":["post-39848","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","category-issues-treated","tag-helicopter-parenting","tag-healthy-parenting","tag-regret"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39848","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2555"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=39848"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39848\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=39848"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=39848"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=39848"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}