{"id":39127,"date":"2018-08-07T08:00:37","date_gmt":"2018-08-07T15:00:37","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=39127"},"modified":"2024-02-21T14:29:53","modified_gmt":"2024-02-21T19:29:53","slug":"codependency-and-narcissism-may-have-more-in-common-than-you-think","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/codependency-narcissism-may-have-more-in-common-than-you-think-0807187","title":{"rendered":"Codependency and Narcissism May Have More in Common Than You Think"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"AMuch of self-help literature portrays codependency<\/a> and narcissism<\/a> as polar opposites. Codependency is often associated with excess selflessness. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is often linked to excess selfishness<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Many narratives depict codependent people as victims who fall prey to those with narcissistic traits. This oversimplification neglects a core truth at the heart of both codependency and narcissism: both codependents and narcissists can lack a healthy sense of self<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Codependency and Narcissism: Same Needs, Different Behaviors<\/h2>\n

Narcissism and codependency are both linked to an undefined self. They often struggle to get a sense of who they truly are. People with these conditions often rely on other people to define their own identities<\/a>. As such, they place a lot of importance on what others think of them.<\/p>\n

People with NPD often develop an intense, almost exclusive focus on themselves. They may display a lack of empathy<\/a> or regard for others\u2019 needs. They may only care about others\u2019 feelings in relation to themselves. Narcissistic people often need someone else to inflate their self-esteem<\/a>. They may need a continuous stream of affection and admiration to feel good about themselves. Some self-help websites refer to this stream as a \u201cnarcissistic supply.\u201d<\/p>\n

Meanwhile, people with codependency are often hyper-focused on others. They typically form an identity around serving others\u2019 needs. They may try to control another person\u2019s behavior, believing they know what is best for the person. Instead of praise, codependents often crave gratitude and a sense of \u201cbeing needed.\u201d<\/p>\n

Almost everyone wants to feel loved or important. Narcissism and codependency are two strategies to achieve that goal. However, both conditions can create an excessive reliance on others\u2019 approval.<\/p>\n

The Common Origins of Codependency and Narcissism<\/h2>\n

Both codependency and narcissism are linked to adverse childhood experiences<\/a>. A 2001 study of 793 mothers and children found a threefold increase in NPD among children whose mothers were verbally abusive<\/a>. A 1999 study of 200 college students linked codependent behaviors to childhood parentification. Parentification is when a child takes on a caretaker role for their parents or siblings, often due to neglect<\/a> or abuse.<\/p>\n

People with NPD and codependency often have similar childhood experiences. They\u2019ve simply adopted different ways of adapting. For example, say a pair of twins grow up neglected. One sibling may develop a low self-esteem and learn they are only \u201cworth something\u201d if they are useful to others. They may grow into a codependent adult who is used to sacrificing their own needs. The second sibling might develop an inflated self-esteem as a protective mechanism. The neglect makes the child feel unimportant, so as a narcissistic adult, they may crave constant validation to prove their self-worth.<\/p>\n

The codependent and narcissistic siblings may develop very different behaviors and personalities. But in both scenarios, trauma<\/a> and a fractured sense of self are at the core of the problem.<\/p>\n

Understanding the Dance of Narcissism and Codependency<\/h2>\n

People with codependency sometimes form relationships with people who have NPD. Typically the two partners develop complementary roles to fill each other\u2019s needs. The codependent person has found a partner they can pour their self into, and the narcissistic person has found someone who puts their needs first.<\/p>\n

Narcissism and codependency aren\u2019t always opposites. The desire to feel needed is not that different from the desire to feel important.<\/span>However, this dynamic can quickly become unhealthy. The codependent person may try to live vicariously through their larger-than-life partner. When their partner doesn\u2019t show enough gratitude for their service, the codependent person may feel resentment<\/a>. Meanwhile, the narcissistic person often exploits their partner\u2019s people-pleasing tendencies for their own narcissistic supply. As their ego grows, their demands may increase, until the codependent person eventually burns out.<\/p>\n

Even if they develop an abusive relationship<\/a>, neither partner may try to leave. Both people may stay in an unhealthy situation for fear of being alone. Without help, this dynamic can grow increasingly toxic.<\/p>\n

Can Codependency and Narcissism Overlap?<\/h2>\n

Narcissism and codependency aren\u2019t always opposites. The desire to feel needed is not that different from the desire to feel important. While many studies find lower rates of narcissism among people with codependency, some have actually found higher rates of narcissism among those with codependent traits.<\/p>\n

A person who is codependent in one situation might be narcissistic in another. For instance, a person might become codependent in their marriage, serving their spouse\u2019s every need. Yet that same person may feel an unending need for respect and praise from their children. causing them to manifest narcissistic tendencies.<\/p>\n

In some cases, an abusive person may try to gaslight<\/a> a codependent partner into believing they are narcissistic. The abuser may sabotage any show of self-confidence<\/a> by calling their partner \u201cegotistical.\u201d Typical acts of self-care<\/a>, such as taking days off or spending time with friends, may be labeled \u201cselfish.\u201d The codependent person may believe these accusations and try to fix the relationship by ignoring their own needs. A person isolated from loved ones\u2014who might offer a more objective view\u2014is likely to falsely believe they are a narcissist.<\/p>\n

The fact that all people display narcissistic or codependent traits on occasion can make it even more difficult for a person to decide if they’re narcissistic, codependent, or both.<\/p>\n

Codependency and Narcissism: Therapy Can Help<\/h2>\n

Codependency and narcissism can become pathological when they undermine a person\u2019s quality of life<\/a> or cause the person to harm others. It may be time to seek help if you show the following signs:<\/p>\n