{"id":38791,"date":"2018-06-26T06:00:27","date_gmt":"2018-06-26T13:00:27","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=38791"},"modified":"2018-06-22T09:21:22","modified_gmt":"2018-06-22T16:21:22","slug":"how-to-tell-if-a-friend-is-toxic-and-what-to-do-about-it","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/how-to-tell-if-a-friend-is-toxic-and-what-to-do-about-it-0626184","title":{"rendered":"How to Tell If a Friend Is Toxic (and What to Do About It)"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"TwoOur relationships are important. The people we spend our time with set the tone for whether we end up being authentically who we are made to be.<\/p>\n

Friends are there to support us when we go through tough times, hold us accountable to our goals, and challenge us to think about our values and beliefs. The ones we surround ourselves with can play a part in either helping us grow or keeping us stagnant.<\/p>\n

A healthy friendship<\/a> is give-and-take. It can feel lopsided at times, as when you are going through something and your friend puts their own things aside to help (or vice versa). But it doesn\u2019t continue that way for long, and it balances out over the years.<\/p>\n

So what is a toxic friendship, how do we recognize it, and why do we stick with toxic friends for so long?<\/p>\n

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What Does It Mean to Be a Toxic Person?<\/h2>\n

Clinically, there is no definition that applies to \u201ctoxic\u201d people. Generally speaking, toxic people are recognized by personality<\/a> traits that put them in what is known as the \u201cdark triad\u201d in psychological circles. The dark triad includes those who have traits of narcissism<\/a>, psychopathy<\/a>, or Machiavellianism.<\/p>\n

According to Delroy Paulhus, a researcher in the dark triad, narcissism describes \u201cgrandiose self-promoters who continually crave attention.\u201d So-called psychopaths are those who can (and often do) cause serious harm with their callousness, but lack the grandiosity of a person with narcissism. And Machiavellians are considered everyday manipulators<\/a>. Most of us run into someone from all three of these areas often in our lives.<\/p>\n

Based on those descriptions, it may be uncomfortable to put our friends into those categories. However, many people who fit into them can also be described as charming, ambitious, productive, and confident.<\/p>\n

How Can We Recognize Toxic People?<\/h2>\n

Toxic people are the ones who are hard to be friends with. We often feel loyal to them for one reason or another\u2014the length of time we\u2019ve known them, the difficulty they\u2019ve experienced in their life, or some guilt they have put upon us at the notion of setting a boundary<\/a> with them.<\/p>\n

We can usually recognize toxic people when we examine our feelings about them when they aren\u2019t around. Does being around this person make us feel good about ourselves? Do we leave conversations with them feeling heard and supported? Are we able to be ourselves around them, or do we feel as if we constantly have a guard up? Have we seen them be manipulative or gossip about others?<\/p>\n

When you are around people who are toxic, you may feel drained after interacting with them. This is because it is usually about them and their lives or problems, requiring you to give more than you receive.<\/p>\n

Why Do We Keep Toxic Friends Around?<\/h2>\n

There are many reasons we stick it out with toxic friends. Fear<\/a> is usually high on the list.<\/p>\n

We fear cutting off toxic people because we have seen how they respond when others do not behave in the way the toxic person would like.<\/p>\n

Toxic people often toe the line between being unhealthy friends and being downright bullies. It can be difficult to set boundaries with someone like this, knowing the consequences will likely take a heavy emotional toll.<\/span><\/p>\n

We may have seen them become resentful<\/a>, mean-spirited, or gossip and spread lies about others who didn\u2019t comply with their expectations, and we worry that this may happen to us.<\/p>\n

Toxic people often toe the line between being unhealthy friends and being downright bullies<\/a>. It can be difficult to set boundaries with someone like this, knowing the consequences will likely take a heavy emotional toll.<\/p>\n

Often, there are other fears involved. When someone has been in your life for a long time, there can be an underlying fear that you won\u2019t find healthier friends. Ironically, these negative feelings about yourself can stem from having toxic people in your life who reinforce them.<\/p>\n

In thinking through a relationship, you may also want to examine whether you are fulfilling a need to \u201csave\u201d this person from their negativity or their problems. This could be a huge red flag for you within not only your friendships, but also intimate relationships<\/a>. If you see a pattern, it may be wise to do some further exploration with a counselor<\/a>.<\/p>\n

What Can We Do When We Identify a Toxic Person?<\/h2>\n

Toxic people don\u2019t necessarily need to be cut from your life, especially if you are able to set good boundaries. Of course, this is dependent on your circumstances. If someone causes physical, emotional, or even financial harm to you, take steps to remove them from your life.<\/p>\n

However, if you recognize a toxic person but decide to continue your friendship, you can take steps to improve your relationship with them. Again, setting good boundaries\u2014being able to say \u201cno\u201d when you are asked to do something, or if something makes you uncomfortable\u2014is important. This can help keep you from being manipulated or coerced into something you don\u2019t want to do.<\/p>\n

Direct communication<\/a> is always a good idea. If your friend hurts you in some way, or if their behavior is unacceptable, you have the right to tell them so. You can also provide feedback to them when you feel they are unkind or unfair to others. If someone isn\u2019t willing to treat you respectfully or listen to your views, you may want to reevaluate why you are in the relationship.<\/p>\n

Finally, if you notice you are surrounded by unhealthy relationships, or see a pattern within your relationships that leads them to becoming toxic, you may want to reach out for support. This can help in recognizing and building healthier relationships, or with setting healthy boundaries.<\/p>\n

Friendships are for those who bring value to our lives with support, trust, understanding, and authenticity. When our relationships don\u2019t reflect these traits, it may be time to consider why.<\/p>\n

Reference:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Paulhus, D. (2014). Toward a taxonomy of dark personalities. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 23<\/em>. 421-426. 10.1177\/0963721414547737.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A good friendship involves give-and-take. Here\u2019s how to identify toxic friends, along with some reasons we keep them around and options for dealing with them.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3121,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542,623],"tags":[1281,93,1348,1349],"class_list":["post-38791","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","category-issues-treated","tag-friendships","tag-narcissism","tag-toxic-friendship","tag-unhealthy-relationship"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38791","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3121"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=38791"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38791\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=38791"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=38791"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=38791"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}