{"id":38590,"date":"2018-07-02T08:00:02","date_gmt":"2018-07-02T15:00:02","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=38590"},"modified":"2018-06-08T14:39:34","modified_gmt":"2018-06-08T21:39:34","slug":"how-do-i-cope-with-being-the-least-favorite-child","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/dear-gt\/how-do-i-cope-with-being-least-favorite-child","title":{"rendered":"How Do I Cope with Being the Least Favorite Child?"},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear GoodTherapy.org,<\/span><\/p>\n

My parents have three children, and I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m the least favorite. They\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve never said it in those exact words, but it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s obvious in the way they act. My two younger sisters are spoiled rotten. They don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t do half the chores I did at their ages. My parents pay for any clothes or gadgets they ask for. One of them is getting a car for her next birthday. Meanwhile, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m working part time in between college classes just to afford textbooks.<\/p>\n

Whenever I bring up the difference in treatment, my parents get really defensive. They argue they were just teenagers when they had me, so they couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t afford nice things like they can today. But if they have money now, shouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t they split it evenly between their kids? I mean, I know at 19 I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m technically an adult, but all my friends\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 parents at least try to pitch in with college expenses. Mine are the only ones who don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t pay anything.<\/p>\n

[fat_widget_right]<\/p>\n

It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not just money, either. I visit home every other weekend, but my parents basically ignore me. Whenever we have company over, my parents will brag on and on about my sisters, but I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m always mentioned as an afterthought. I feel like a ghost in my own house.<\/p>\n

I feel like I shouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t care this much. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m an adult, so I shouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be chasing after my parents\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 approval. But I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t stop obsessing about it. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll literally lie awake at night, just being angry<\/a>. Sometimes I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll find myself snapping at my sisters, even though they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re just kids and it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not their fault for being the favorites.<\/p>\n

Is there a way I can get my parents to see how unfair this all is? I sort of want to stop visiting home, just to see how they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d react. Is that petty? Should I just accept that I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m the least favorite kid and move on? \u00e2\u20ac\u201dThe Unfavorite<\/strong><\/p>\n

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist<\/a><\/p>\n

Dear Unfavorite,<\/span><\/p>\n

Thank you for writing. Perhaps no relationships are as complicated as family relationships<\/a>. It’s not unusual for oldest children to feel like they get the short end of the stick while their younger siblings get spoiled.<\/p>\n

Often, as the family dynamics change, there are some very real differences in what parents are able to offer their children. If your parents were teenagers when you were born, it is likely you had a starkly different childhood than your siblings. Is it fair? No. Rarely are family dynamics fair. Generally, most parents try to meet the needs of their children that they are able to meet. There may have been needs of yours they were not able to meet that they can meet now for your sisters.<\/p>\n

It seems, though, that bringing these disparities to your parents\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 attention is triggering their defenses<\/a> rather than empathy<\/a> for you. It could be your observations are heard as a criticism of your childhood rather than as a wish that things could be more equitable now. While there may be many reasons your family dynamics are what they are, none of this diminishes the pain you feel.<\/p>\n

There are likely some core messages you are getting from your family experiences that are creating significant distress. Working with a therapist may help you reframe your experiences in a way that brings you peace.<\/span><\/p>\n

It may be helpful to think about what you want in terms of a relationship with your parents independent of what your sisters are experiencing. If you would like financial support with schooling, perhaps you could ask for it\u00e2\u20ac\u201dnot because your sisters have so much more than you did, but because it would be helpful to you. If you keep your sisters and any comparisons to them out of the picture, you might be able to focus on your relationship with your parents and reduce the defensiveness you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve experienced from them.<\/p>\n

You may also want to work with a licensed professional<\/a> to explore why their approval is as important to you as it seems to be. There are likely some core messages you are getting from your family experiences that are creating significant distress. Working with a therapist may help you reframe your experiences in a way that brings you peace.<\/p>\n

Whatever path you follow, if you focus on how unfair things are, you may only build resentment<\/a> that creates a barrier between you and all members of your family. If you want to have healthy relationships with your parents and your sisters, finding ways to remove resentment will be essential.<\/p>\n

Best of luck,<\/p>\n

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

“My two younger sisters are spoiled rotten. Whenever I bring up the difference in treatment, my parents get really defensive. I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t stop obsessing about it.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2592,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625,542,623],"tags":[231,522,393,748,1333,938],"class_list":["post-38590","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","category-featured-articles","category-issues-treated","tag-anger","tag-dear-gt","tag-family-problems","tag-resentment","tag-sibling-issues","tag-unfairness"],"acf":{"author_show":false,"author_name":"","author_role":"","author_avatar":null,"author_profile_url":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38590","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2592"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=38590"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38590\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=38590"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=38590"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=38590"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}