{"id":38496,"date":"2018-06-01T06:00:37","date_gmt":"2018-06-01T13:00:37","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=38496"},"modified":"2018-05-29T15:03:26","modified_gmt":"2018-05-29T22:03:26","slug":"making-love-last-the-importance-of-emotional-intelligence","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/making-love-last-importance-of-emotional-intelligence-0601184","title":{"rendered":"Making Love Last: The Importance of Emotional Intelligence"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignleft wp-image-38509 size-medium\" src=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/05\/couple-floor-talking-papers-e1527629246155-300x200.jpg\" alt=\"Couple on floor sitting together looking through papers\" width=\"300\" height=\"200\" title=\"\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/05\/couple-floor-talking-papers-e1527629246155-300x200.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/05\/couple-floor-talking-papers-e1527629246155.jpg 724w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/>Partnering for life takes dedication. Almost everyone would agree that <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/trust-issues\">trust<\/a> and commitment are needed for every healthy <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/relationships\">relationship<\/a> to flourish. But what are some of the other essential characteristics for a mutually fulfilling and loving partnership?<\/p>\n<p>People who are in relationships or who desire to find lasting love might wonder, what is it that makes love last? How do some marriages or partnerships survive and thrive while others plunge and dive? Emotionally intelligent couples seem to be on to something. But what specifically are they doing to strengthen and develop their relationships?<\/p>\n<h2>What Is Love?<\/h2>\n<p>The word \u201clove\u201d may bring to mind a variety of thoughts and feelings. These ideas may differ from person to person. So what does love actually mean?<\/p>\n<p>When it comes to the study of love, the English language can be somewhat limiting in its definition. Ancient Greek provides a much richer understanding of the many dimensions of love. In Ancient Greek, there are many different words for love. For the purposes of this article, I\u2019ll focus on three words: \u00e9ros, philia, and storg\u0113. <div class=\"content-fatwidget align-right\">\n\t<h2><a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/find-therapist.html\" target=\"_blank\">Find a Therapist for Relationships<\/a><\/h2>\n\t<form action=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/search-redirect.html\" method=\"get\">\n\n\t\t\t\t<input required name=\"search[zipcode]\" placeholder=\"Enter ZIP or City\" class=\"inline-input\" type=\"text\" \/>\n\n\n\t\t\t<input type=\"submit\" name=\"TOS agreement\" value=\" \" class=\"inline-btn\" title=\"Search\" \/>\n\t\t\t<input type=\"hidden\" name=\"search[concern_treated]\" value=\"69\" \/>\n\t\t<a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/advanced-search.html\" title=\"Advanced Search\">Advanced Search<\/a>\n\t<\/form>\n<\/div><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Eros<\/strong> describes intimate, passionate, or sexual type of love. This type of love is the most similar to our current idea of romantic love.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Philia<\/strong> is an affectionate regard, like that of a deep friendship. Associated with companionship, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/trust-issues\">trust<\/a>, and dependability, it refers to shared good will toward another person.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Storg\u0113<\/strong> refers to familial love. It often refers to the love demonstrated between <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/parenting\">parents<\/a> and their children, but it can also describe the love between romantic partners. It is a natural feeling a person holds for someone (or something) close to them that they feel good about.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2>Emotional Intelligence<\/h2>\n<p>It is generally the case that couples with thriving, strong relationships have well-developed <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/emotional-intelligence\">emotional intelligence<\/a>. Emotional intelligence describes a person\u2019s ability to be aware of, control, and express <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/emotion\">emotions<\/a> in a healthy manner. In other words, it is the capacity to handle relationships appropriately and empathetically. In a partnership, emotional intelligence translates into the ability to be in touch with your own emotions as well as those of your partner.<\/p>\n<p>A person\u2019s capacity for <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/empathy\">empathy<\/a> and ability to talk about emotions in a healthy and loving way are both components of emotional intelligence. In a partnership or marriage, emotional intelligence may be seen in many areas. It is sustained over the course of a lifetime and is vital for making love last.<\/p>\n<p>The following are eight key areas where emotionally intelligent couples practice loving well.<\/p>\n<p><strong>1. Friendship<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>At the core of a good relationship is <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/friendship\">friendship<\/a>. Emotionally intelligent couples stand the test of time because they are friends who support and care for each other. They share a bond of mutual affection. They know each other\u2019s internal world and understand each other\u2019s likes and dislikes. They are companions and confidants.<\/p>\n<p><strong>2. Deep respect<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Emotionally intelligent couples respect each other and have feelings of deep admiration toward each other. They are able to honor their partner and their needs and wishes and hold them in high regard or esteem. Partners generally think very well of each other and can each appreciate the unique qualities, achievements, or abilities of the other. They demonstrate on a regular basis that they appreciate one another, both verbally and nonverbally.<\/p>\n<p><strong>3. Communication <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><span class=\"popout-quote-left\" style=\"font-weight: bold; width: 30%; float: left;\">In a partnership or marriage, emotional intelligence may be exhibited in many areas. It is sustained over the course of a lifetime and is vital for making love last.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>Couples who are able to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/communication-issues\">communicate<\/a> their thoughts, needs, and feelings in a healthy way are more likely to have a thriving relationship than couples who have difficulty with communication. Their conversations don\u2019t regularly display signs of criticism or contempt, and they typically do not start off abruptly.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/famous-psychologists\/john-gottman.html\">Dr. John Gottman<\/a> found, while conducting research on couples, that conversations generally end poorly when they start out harshly. In fact, the first three minutes of a conversation often determine its outcome. Emotionally intelligent couples generally speak to one another in a respectful manner, conveying this respect through tone, intonation, and intent.<\/p>\n<p><strong>4. Conflict management<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Couples who have thriving, lasting relationships generally know how to navigate conflict. They have learned how to effectively manage their disagreements and differences in life. It is not necessarily the case that they have less conflict than other couples. Rather, they have figured out how to listen and understand the perspective or position of the other. They have also likely learned how to exercise compromise in their relationship.<\/p>\n<p><strong>5. Encouraging the relationship<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Emotionally intelligent couples encourage the relationship, through understanding of their identity as a couple in addition to their separate identities as individuals. They feel <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/confidence\">confident<\/a> in their respective roles and in the partnership itself. They are for the relationship. They don\u2019t threaten it by saying things like, \u201cI want a divorce,\u201d or \u201cI am going to leave you.\u201d Instead, they talk about problems that arise, as they arise. If the problems are too difficult to solve on their own, they <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/find-therapist.html\">seek help<\/a> from a professional.<\/p>\n<p><strong>6. Exercising healthy boundaries<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Couples who thrive exercise clear <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/boundaries\">boundaries<\/a>, especially when dealing with other relationships. They recognize the slippery slope of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/infidelity\">infidelity<\/a> and don\u2019t create space for emotional or physical affairs to happen. They utilize what the late Dr. Shirley Glass illustrates on in her research on infidelity. Whether they recognize it or not, they view the world outside through a glass window of openness and honesty. Together, they construct a wall that shields them from forces that have the power to separate them or otherwise challenged the relationship. In order to keep their relationship a priority, they exercise a united front.<\/p>\n<p><strong>7. Being aware of meaning, value, and purpose<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Emotionally intelligent couples are aware of what is meaningful to each other. This might translate into understanding what motivates the other in life and what they are passionate about, such as their dreams, goals, or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/values-clarification\">values<\/a>. Couples who thrive support each other\u2019s endeavors to have a meaningful and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/life-purpose\">purposeful life<\/a>\u2014both individually and together.<\/p>\n<p><strong>8. Sharing life<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Couples who thrive share their lives. They find ways of connecting on a regular basis. Whether they acknowledge it or not, they are mindful of staying connected and turning toward their partner. They have at least a few common interests or shared activities, and they take time to recreate together. In the words of Henry David Thoreau, \u201cThere is no remedy for love but to love more.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Making love last takes dedication and commitment, but it is certainly possible to do so. Being mindful of the ways to practice \u00e9ros, philia and storg\u0113 love can help you make love last in all areas of your life. <div class=\"greyBorderDiv right amazonAffiliate\">This page contains at least one affiliate link for the Amazon Services\n\tLLC Associates Program, which means GoodTherapy.org receives financial compensation if you make a purchase using an Amazon link.<\/div><\/p>\n<p>If you are experiencing difficulties in your relationship, or want help developing emotional intelligence with your partner, consider reaching out to a trained <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/modes\/marriage-counseling\">couples counselor<\/a> today.<\/p>\n<p><strong>References: <\/strong><\/p>\n<ol>\n<li>Lewis, C. S. (1960). <a href=\"https:\/\/amzn.to\/2xvpgIi\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noopener\"><em>The four loves<\/em><\/a>. New York, NY: Harcourt Bruce Jovanovich, Publishers.<\/li>\n<li>Glass, S. P. (2004). <a href=\"https:\/\/amzn.to\/2IWIThS\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noopener\"><em>Not &#8220;just friends:&#8221; Rebuilding trust and recovering your sanity after infidelity<\/em><\/a>. New York, NY: Free Press.<\/li>\n<li>Gottman, J. &amp; Silver, N. (2015). <a href=\"https:\/\/amzn.to\/2xnVEg5\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noopener\"><em>The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country\u2019s foremost relationship expert<\/em><\/a>. New York, NY: Harmony Books.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>It takes more than love to make a relationship last long-term. How can emotional intelligence help couples develop and strengthen their bond over time? <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3087,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542,623],"tags":[105,391,221,41],"class_list":["post-38496","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","category-issues-treated","tag-communication","tag-emotional-intelligence","tag-love","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38496","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3087"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=38496"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38496\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=38496"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=38496"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=38496"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}