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\u00e2\u20ac\u0153You are a failure.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n\u00e2\u20ac\u0153You are a failure.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153You look ugly today.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Everyone\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s life is better than yours.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Have you ever said these things to a close friend? How about a family member? I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m guessing the answer is no.<\/p>\n
Then why do you say these things to yourself?<\/p>\n
We are often harder on\u00e2\u20ac\u201dand crueler to\u00e2\u20ac\u201dourselves than we are with other people. We hold ourselves to higher standards and berate ourselves more. What\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the effect? Depression<\/a>, low self-worth<\/a>, and deep feelings of shame<\/a>.<\/p>\n Here are four antidotes:<\/p>\n [fat_widget_right]<\/p>\n If you wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t say it to your best friend, don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t say it to yourself.<\/p>\n Next time you find yourself engaging in negative self-talk, try this quick exercise. First, get a piece of paper and a pen or pencil and draw a box with two rows and five columns. Label the columns Thought<\/em>, Emotion<\/em>, Evidence<\/em>, New Thought<\/em>, and New Emotion<\/em>.<\/p>\n If you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re beating yourself up about your career, under Thought<\/em> you could write, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll never have a successful career.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d After you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve written it down, sit with the thought for a few minutes and focus on the emotions that bubble up. Do you feel anger<\/a>? Shame? Sadness<\/a>? In the box under Emotion<\/em>, write down all the feelings the thought triggers.<\/p>\n Under Evidence<\/em>, write anything that challenges the negative thought. For example, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I went to a good college\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m a hard worker.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Under New Thought<\/em>, write a replacement for the original thought that takes into account the evidence. For example, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t found the right career yet, but I believe I will soon.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Finally, under New Emotion<\/em>, write down how this new thought makes you feel. Optimistic<\/a>? Energized? Repeat this exercise daily until thought-stopping and replacement happens naturally.<\/p>\n Along with negative self-talk, self-judgment hurts you even if you’re not conscious you’re doing it. Mindfulness<\/a> is essential when learning to defeat self-judgment<\/a> and build self-compassion<\/a>.<\/p>\n You need to consider your thoughts and feelings without ruling on whether they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re \u00e2\u20ac\u0153good\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or \u00e2\u20ac\u0153bad.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Observe them with mindful awareness. Recognize the thought or emotion without judging it. Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t try to push it away, but don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t ruminate on it either.<\/p>\n Remember, thoughts come and go, and feelings change. Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t over-identify with any one. You are not this one thought or one feeling. This too shall pass.<\/p>\n Self-forgiveness doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mean excusing yourself or pretending what you did wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t wrong; it means showing compassion for yourself and recognizing your humanity.<\/span><\/p>\n Throughout your life, you did the best you could with the tools you had. The lessons you took from your caregivers, your experiences, your environment, and your physical and mental health all affect the way you treat others and yourself. If your parents didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t model healthy anger, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s likely you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t express it healthily either. If you work in a highly competitive and cutthroat workplace, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s likely you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve cut a few metaphorical throats yourself.<\/p>\n Self-forgiveness doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mean excusing yourself or pretending what you did wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t wrong; it means showing compassion for yourself and recognizing your humanity. People make mistakes, sometimes huge ones. What\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s important is making amends, if you can, and learning new tools so you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t make the same mistakes.<\/p>\n No matter how much you think you know someone, you can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know the whole story. If you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re single and desperate to start a family, looking at Facebook photos of an old classmate\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s wedding or pictures on Instagram of a coworker\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s new baby is a quick way to feel terrible about yourself.<\/p>\n People often use social media to show an idealized version of their life. Your old classmate doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t post about the fights she has with her husband. Your coworker doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t share photos of the baby wailing through the night. Try to resist the urge to go down the social media rabbit hole, and if you can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t resist, remind yourself that you see only one side of the story.<\/p>\n Consider unfollowing people whose lives trigger the strongest emotions. Check the site or app settings; most let you stay friends with someone without seeing their updates.<\/p>\n [amazon_affiliate]<\/p>\n Kristin Neff<\/a>, psychologist and self-compassion researcher, writes about showing kindness to oneself in her book Self-Compassion<\/a><\/em>: \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Rather than harshly judging oneself for personal shortcomings, the self is offered warmth and unconditional acceptance\u00e2\u20ac\u009d (2015). Your value isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t based on how much money you make, how subjectively attractive you are, or how useful you are to others. You don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t lose worth when you make mistakes or come up short of your own or others\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 expectations. The foundation of self-empathy and self-compassion is the understanding that you possess unconditional worth.<\/p>\n1. Talk to yourself like you talk to your friends.<\/h2>\n
2. Practice mindfulness to eliminate self-judgment.<\/h2>\n
3. Forgive yourself.<\/h2>\n
4. Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t compare yourself to others.<\/h2>\n