{"id":38345,"date":"2018-05-21T07:30:52","date_gmt":"2018-05-21T14:30:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=38345"},"modified":"2018-05-21T07:35:12","modified_gmt":"2018-05-21T14:35:12","slug":"help-im-catfishing-someone-and-i-dont-know-how-to-stop","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/dear-gt\/help-im-catfishing-someone-and-i-dont-know-how-to-stop","title":{"rendered":"Help! I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m Catfishing Someone and I Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t Know How to Stop"},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear GoodTherapy.org,<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m an ugly guy. I used to look okay, but I got a bad injury when I was 11. The surgeon did his best, but \u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a reason I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t leave my house much. Every time I go out, people stare. That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s why the internet has been a haven for me. Nobody knows what I look like because I use a stock photo for my profile pictures.<\/p>\n

As you can guess, finding love<\/a> hasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t been easy for me. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve tried every dating app under the sun and I never get any responses. I know everybody says the inside is what counts, but women see my face and run before I can get a word out. I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really blame them, but it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s still frustrating. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been so lonely<\/a>, you have no idea.<\/p>\n

[fat_widget_right]<\/p>\n

But five months ago I found the most amazing girl. We met on a film forum and started geeking out about Quentin Tarantino. The more I talked with this girl, the more I liked her. So when she started flirting with me, it was a dream come true. She\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the first girl who has EVER been interested in me. I couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t help but flirt back.<\/p>\n

We\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been in a relationship for five months now. She\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s asked to meet a few times (we both live near Chicago), but I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been putting it off. My girlfriend got a little mad last time and jokingly asked if I was catfishing her. And it hit me: She was right. I am a catfish.<\/p>\n

I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t post the fake profile picture to lure anyone in, though. I only wanted people to see the real me, which is basically the opposite of catfishing, right? And I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been honest with my girlfriend about everything else. But \u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 ever since that talk, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve felt so guilty<\/a>. I know I should tell my girlfriend the truth, but I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to lose her. The one time I tried to bring it up, I panicked and backed out at the last minute.<\/p>\n

What should I do? Should I meet up and listen to whatever my girlfriend has to say? Or will we both hurt less if I break up with her from behind the screen?\u00c2\u00a0\u00e2\u20ac\u201dAccidental Catfisher<\/strong><\/p>\n

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist<\/a><\/p>\n

Dear Accidental Catfisher,<\/span><\/p>\n

I feel for you. Dating in person is rough enough, but virtual dating adds some notable complications. Knowing who and what you can trust<\/a> online is a challenge, and the potential for catfishing\u00e2\u20ac\u201ddefined by Merriam-Webster<\/a> as setting up a \u00e2\u20ac\u0153false personal profile on a social networking site for fraudulent or deceptive purposes\u00e2\u20ac\u009d\u00e2\u20ac\u201dis one reason that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s so.<\/p>\n

You write that you \u00e2\u20ac\u0153didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t post the fake profile picture to lure anyone in,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d that you only wanted people to see the \u00e2\u20ac\u0153real\u00e2\u20ac\u009d you. By that, I assume you mean you wanted people to form their perceptions of you based on your expressions rather than your appearance. That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s understandable. I wonder if, had you revealed early on that your profile photo is an avatar, your love interest would have also understood. Now that things are progressing toward a possible face-to-face meeting, you say you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know how to resolve this situation.<\/p>\n

Speaking of understandable, your fear of rejection<\/a> and loss<\/a> is easy to relate to, as is your panic in the moment with so much at stake. I hear how important this relationship is to you. Relationships<\/a> call for courage and openness. Writing your letter is both courageous and open of you, which bodes well for your ability to be candid with the people in your life.<\/p>\n

I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not here to tell you what to do. I am here to try to help you understand what your feelings are telling you. For example, the guilt you say you feel may be trying to steer you toward a corrective action\u00e2\u20ac\u201din this case, perhaps fessing up, apologizing, and asking for forgiveness<\/a>.<\/p>\n

You say this is the first time a girl has been interested in you. Relationships are built on authenticity and compassion. Is losing a person who doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t value those things above all else really a loss?<\/span><\/p>\n

I imagine you have placed yourself in her shoes and have considered how you might feel to be told she hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t been forthcoming about her appearance. Would that be a problem for you? Would it have been less of a problem early on as opposed to now? Would it be more of a problem to find out in person as opposed to now, over the internet? These are all questions I would want to explore with you in therapy<\/a> as we thought about how you might proceed.<\/p>\n

I would also want to explore some of the self-image<\/a> concerns I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m hearing, as those concerns may be at the root of everything else that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s going on. You describe yourself with more than a hint of shame<\/a>, despair, and some longing as well. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s unfortunate that some of your experiences\u00e2\u20ac\u201dbeing stared at and so on\u00e2\u20ac\u201dhave reinforced these self-perceptions.<\/p>\n

But there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s also clearly a lot to like, based on the fact you have attracted someone special. Those likable things are winning, desirable qualities no matter what. Are they mostly in hiding too? If you feel confident<\/a> and loving about what\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s under the surface, often the surface-level stuff takes care of itself.<\/p>\n

You say this is the first time a girl has been interested in you. Relationships are built on authenticity and compassion. Is losing a person who doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t value those things above all else really a loss?<\/p>\n

So here we are. What\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s next? You can disappear and \u00e2\u20ac\u0153ghost\u00e2\u20ac\u009d her, break up behind the screen, fess up before you meet, or come clean in person. Only you know what is right. Whatever you decide, I recommend that you work with a therapist<\/a> who will help you face up to yourself and then to others.<\/p>\n

I hear that you are reluctant to be \u00e2\u20ac\u0153seen.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s ultimately what we all want\u00e2\u20ac\u201dto be accepted and loved, warts and all. I hope you can offer yourself and your friend some compassion and take the steps necessary to live an authentic life you can feel good about.<\/p>\n

Take care,<\/p>\n

Lynn Somerstein, PhD, NCPsyA, C-IAYT<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

“I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t post the fake profile picture to lure anyone in. I only wanted people to see the real me, which is basically the opposite of catfishing, right?”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":526,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625,542,623],"tags":[1303,671,522,834,169,388],"class_list":["post-38345","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","category-featured-articles","category-issues-treated","tag-catfishing","tag-dating-advice","tag-dear-gt","tag-lying","tag-relationships","tag-trust-issues"],"acf":{"author_show":false,"author_name":"","author_role":"","author_avatar":null,"author_profile_url":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38345","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/526"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=38345"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38345\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=38345"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=38345"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=38345"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}