{"id":38345,"date":"2018-05-21T07:30:52","date_gmt":"2018-05-21T14:30:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=38345"},"modified":"2018-05-21T07:35:12","modified_gmt":"2018-05-21T14:35:12","slug":"help-im-catfishing-someone-and-i-dont-know-how-to-stop","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/dear-gt\/help-im-catfishing-someone-and-i-dont-know-how-to-stop","title":{"rendered":"Help! I\u2019m Catfishing Someone and I Don\u2019t Know How to Stop"},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear GoodTherapy.org,<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m an ugly guy. I used to look okay, but I got a bad injury when I was 11. The surgeon did his best, but \u2026 there\u2019s a reason I don\u2019t leave my house much. Every time I go out, people stare. That\u2019s why the internet has been a haven for me. Nobody knows what I look like because I use a stock photo for my profile pictures.<\/p>\n

As you can guess, finding love<\/a> hasn\u2019t been easy for me. I\u2019ve tried every dating app under the sun and I never get any responses. I know everybody says the inside is what counts, but women see my face and run before I can get a word out. I can\u2019t really blame them, but it\u2019s still frustrating. I\u2019ve been so lonely<\/a>, you have no idea.<\/p>\n

\n\t

Find a Therapist<\/a><\/h2>\n\t
\n\n\t\t\t\n\n\n\t\t\t\n\t\tAdvanced Search<\/a>\n\t<\/form>\n<\/div>\n

But five months ago I found the most amazing girl. We met on a film forum and started geeking out about Quentin Tarantino. The more I talked with this girl, the more I liked her. So when she started flirting with me, it was a dream come true. She\u2019s the first girl who has EVER been interested in me. I couldn\u2019t help but flirt back.<\/p>\n

We\u2019ve been in a relationship for five months now. She\u2019s asked to meet a few times (we both live near Chicago), but I\u2019ve been putting it off. My girlfriend got a little mad last time and jokingly asked if I was catfishing her. And it hit me: She was right. I am a catfish.<\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t post the fake profile picture to lure anyone in, though. I only wanted people to see the real me, which is basically the opposite of catfishing, right? And I\u2019ve been honest with my girlfriend about everything else. But \u2026 ever since that talk, I\u2019ve felt so guilty<\/a>. I know I should tell my girlfriend the truth, but I don\u2019t want to lose her. The one time I tried to bring it up, I panicked and backed out at the last minute.<\/p>\n

What should I do? Should I meet up and listen to whatever my girlfriend has to say? Or will we both hurt less if I break up with her from behind the screen?\u00a0\u2014Accidental Catfisher<\/strong><\/p>\n

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist<\/a><\/p>\n

Dear Accidental Catfisher,<\/span><\/p>\n

I feel for you. Dating in person is rough enough, but virtual dating adds some notable complications. Knowing who and what you can trust<\/a> online is a challenge, and the potential for catfishing\u2014defined by Merriam-Webster<\/a> as setting up a \u201cfalse personal profile on a social networking site for fraudulent or deceptive purposes\u201d\u2014is one reason that\u2019s so.<\/p>\n

You write that you \u201cdidn\u2019t post the fake profile picture to lure anyone in,\u201d that you only wanted people to see the \u201creal\u201d you. By that, I assume you mean you wanted people to form their perceptions of you based on your expressions rather than your appearance. That\u2019s understandable. I wonder if, had you revealed early on that your profile photo is an avatar, your love interest would have also understood. Now that things are progressing toward a possible face-to-face meeting, you say you don\u2019t know how to resolve this situation.<\/p>\n

Speaking of understandable, your fear of rejection<\/a> and loss<\/a> is easy to relate to, as is your panic in the moment with so much at stake. I hear how important this relationship is to you. Relationships<\/a> call for courage and openness. Writing your letter is both courageous and open of you, which bodes well for your ability to be candid with the people in your life.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not here to tell you what to do. I am here to try to help you understand what your feelings are telling you. For example, the guilt you say you feel may be trying to steer you toward a corrective action\u2014in this case, perhaps fessing up, apologizing, and asking for forgiveness<\/a>.<\/p>\n

You say this is the first time a girl has been interested in you. Relationships are built on authenticity and compassion. Is losing a person who doesn\u2019t value those things above all else really a loss?<\/span><\/p>\n

I imagine you have placed yourself in her shoes and have considered how you might feel to be told she hadn\u2019t been forthcoming about her appearance. Would that be a problem for you? Would it have been less of a problem early on as opposed to now? Would it be more of a problem to find out in person as opposed to now, over the internet? These are all questions I would want to explore with you in therapy<\/a> as we thought about how you might proceed.<\/p>\n

I would also want to explore some of the self-image<\/a> concerns I\u2019m hearing, as those concerns may be at the root of everything else that\u2019s going on. You describe yourself with more than a hint of shame<\/a>, despair, and some longing as well. It\u2019s unfortunate that some of your experiences\u2014being stared at and so on\u2014have reinforced these self-perceptions.<\/p>\n

But there\u2019s also clearly a lot to like, based on the fact you have attracted someone special. Those likable things are winning, desirable qualities no matter what. Are they mostly in hiding too? If you feel confident<\/a> and loving about what\u2019s under the surface, often the surface-level stuff takes care of itself.<\/p>\n

You say this is the first time a girl has been interested in you. Relationships are built on authenticity and compassion. Is losing a person who doesn\u2019t value those things above all else really a loss?<\/p>\n

So here we are. What\u2019s next? You can disappear and \u201cghost\u201d her, break up behind the screen, fess up before you meet, or come clean in person. Only you know what is right. Whatever you decide, I recommend that you work with a therapist<\/a> who will help you face up to yourself and then to others.<\/p>\n

I hear that you are reluctant to be \u201cseen.\u201d It\u2019s ultimately what we all want\u2014to be accepted and loved, warts and all. I hope you can offer yourself and your friend some compassion and take the steps necessary to live an authentic life you can feel good about.<\/p>\n

Take care,<\/p>\n

Lynn Somerstein, PhD, NCPsyA, C-IAYT<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

“I didn\u2019t post the fake profile picture to lure anyone in. I only wanted people to see the real me, which is basically the opposite of catfishing, right?”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":526,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625,542,623],"tags":[1303,671,522,834,169,388],"class_list":["post-38345","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","category-featured-articles","category-issues-treated","tag-catfishing","tag-dating-advice","tag-dear-gt","tag-lying","tag-relationships","tag-trust-issues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38345","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/526"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=38345"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38345\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=38345"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=38345"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=38345"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}