{"id":38155,"date":"2018-05-08T08:00:52","date_gmt":"2018-05-08T15:00:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=38155"},"modified":"2018-04-27T15:24:07","modified_gmt":"2018-04-27T22:24:07","slug":"how-relational-trauma-can-affect-the-trust-building-process","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/how-relational-trauma-can-affect-trust-building-process-0508185","title":{"rendered":"How Relational Trauma Can Affect the Trust-Building Process"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"CoupleTherapists used to reserve the term \u00e2\u20ac\u0153trauma\u00e2\u20ac\u009d to describe events like war, rape, and life-threatening experiences. We now recognize that people can have similar responses to relational traumas. When one partner engages in behaviors such as infidelity<\/a> or addictive behaviors<\/a>, leaving their partner feeling betrayed and abandoned, the hurt partner can experience trauma<\/a>-related symptoms. They may experience shame<\/a>, worthlessness<\/a>, withdrawal<\/a>, paranoia<\/a>, obsessive thoughts<\/a> about the betrayal, and thoughts of self-harm<\/a>.<\/p>\n

I find that often, couples minimize, dismiss, or misinterpret these symptoms, making healing and reconnection difficult.\u00c2\u00a0The hurt partner may wonder, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Are you doing this to me again?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d This fear can turn into an array of behaviors: accusations, interrogations, questions, and looking into their partner\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s emails, phones, and computers for evidence of deceitful or hurtful behavior. They may even conclude \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I can never trust you again\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You are incapable of changing\u00e2\u20ac\u009d when they feel overwhelmed.<\/p>\n

For the offending partner, this can be a defeating experience.\u00c2\u00a0Maybe they truly have ended the hurtful behavior. Maybe they are working on an effective recovery and have achieved a significant period of sobriety.\u00c2\u00a0Maybe they have ended an affair and fessed up to their deceit.<\/p>\n

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Even with all of this, their partner may be vigilant and untrusting. The offending partner may get frustrated when the other continues to bring up old hurts or dig for evidence of expected poor behavior.\u00c2\u00a0Frustration can turn to anger<\/a> and resentment<\/a>: \u00e2\u20ac\u0153My partner will never trust me again.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Why can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t they just move on?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

When I find couples in this distressing cycle, I start to inquire about the presence of unresolved trauma\u00e2\u20ac\u201da force that, when unacknowledged, can pit partners against each other and make healing difficult.<\/p>\n

Reliving the Pain<\/h2>\n

Let me illustrate with a hypothetical example. Jenny and Stan came to couples therapy to heal from the hurts of his addictive behaviors.\u00c2\u00a0Stan had been in recovery for almost a year, diligently working his recovery program and making significant progress.\u00c2\u00a0They felt hopeful about their healing as a couple and at times have felt closer than they ever did before his addictive behaviors escalated.<\/p>\n

When I find couples in this distressing cycle, I start to inquire about the presence of unresolved trauma\u00e2\u20ac\u201da force that, when unacknowledged, can pit partners against each other and make healing difficult.<\/span><\/p>\n

Therefore, they were both surprised when what seemed like a small event turned into a standoff that reminded them of the chaotic days when Stan was active in his addiction.\u00c2\u00a0They explained how Stan got stuck in a meeting, forgot to call Jenny, and came home two hours later than expected. Jenny described how, when Stan apologized and gave his excuses for why he was so late, that moment felt like the moments in the past when he would lie to her to cover up his addictive behaviors.\u00c2\u00a0She felt the same feelings of betrayal<\/a>, abandonment<\/a>, and uncertainty.<\/p>\n

Stan was upset, too. He described how overwhelmed and angry he felt seeing Jenny\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s reaction. Even though he was truthful in his reasons for being late, he was facing those same harsh responses from Jenny.\u00c2\u00a0She was accusatory and untrusting, despite all his progress. In our session, they both reported feeling they were \u00e2\u20ac\u0153back to square one\u00e2\u20ac\u009d and \u00e2\u20ac\u0153could not be together if it was going to be like this.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

Recognizing the Trauma Response<\/h2>\n

When couples recognize the trauma response that was triggered<\/a>, they can start to respond to those moments in transformative ways. They can appropriately tune in to each other.\u00c2\u00a0They can see that \u00e2\u20ac\u0153the problem\u00e2\u20ac\u009d is not necessarily their partner\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s inability to be trustworthy. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153The problem\u00e2\u20ac\u009d is not the hurt partner\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s inability to move on.\u00c2\u00a0\u00e2\u20ac\u0153The problem\u00e2\u20ac\u009d is the disconnect that happens when the pain of the past is triggered in both partners.<\/p>\n

Stan and Jenny faced a normal, yet pivotal moment when he was late.\u00c2\u00a0How they learned to respond in those moments determined the pace of their healing. If Stan responded to Jenny with \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You need to get over this,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d she would have been left to manage her trauma response alone, further dividing the relationship.\u00c2\u00a0However, if Stan became a safe place for her to experience her trauma response, they could learn to connect in ways that are imperative for the healing process. In these moments, couples can strengthen their bond and attachment.<\/p>\n

When the pain of old hurts gets triggered, it is no longer \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Here we go again,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d but rather, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Of course you feel this way sometimes. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m in it with you.\u00c2\u00a0You are not alone in this.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d The offending partner can respond to the hurt partner\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s moment of panic with understanding and comfort. This shift allows them to move out of a defensive stance of \u00e2\u20ac\u0153This isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t going to work if you are never going to trust me\u00e2\u20ac\u009d and into a comforting stance of \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m so sorry this is scary for you right now. What can I do to help?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

The hurt partner can recognize their emotions as a traumatic response.\u00c2\u00a0They can start to notice the difference between \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You are untrustworthy\u00e2\u20ac\u009d and \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m feeling that anxiety and panic again, like I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m scared you are going to hurt me again.\u00c2\u00a0In these moments, I really need you to be with me, reassure me, understand my pain, hear me,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d etc.<\/p>\n

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Building Trust and Connection<\/h2>\n

These triggering moments turn into opportunities for true healing and transformative connection.\u00c2\u00a0This is when couples take the pain of incredible hurts and use it to connect in ways that create security and safety.\u00c2\u00a0These triggering moments, when handled with care, become the foundation of rebuilding trust. They are not moments to be feared and avoided, but rather moments to be valued for the closeness they can bring.\u00c2\u00a0The relationship not only becomes a safe place to find relief but also a protection against the stress that trauma can bring.<\/p>\n

If relational traumas are coming between you and your partner, contact a licensed therapist<\/a>.<\/p>\n

References:<\/strong><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Carnes, S., Lee, M. A., & Rodriguez, A. D. (2012). Facing heartbreak: Steps to recovery for partners of sex addicts<\/a>.<\/em> Carefree, AZ: Gentle Path Press.<\/li>\n
  2. Johnson, S. M. (2002). Emotionally focused couple therapy with trauma survivors: Strengthening attachment bonds<\/a>.<\/em> New York, NY: The Guilford Press.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Relational traumas such as infidelity and addictive behaviors can erode trust, leaving couples in a cycle of hurt. Recognizing the trauma response is key.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3119,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542,623],"tags":[447,384,743,41,856,388],"class_list":["post-38155","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","category-issues-treated","tag-addictions-compulsions","tag-infidelity-affair-recovery","tag-relational-trauma","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships","tag-trauma","tag-trust-issues"],"acf":{"author_show":false,"author_name":"","author_role":"","author_avatar":null,"author_profile_url":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38155","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3119"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=38155"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38155\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=38155"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=38155"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=38155"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}