{"id":38149,"date":"2018-05-07T08:00:29","date_gmt":"2018-05-07T15:00:29","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=38149"},"modified":"2018-04-27T14:56:23","modified_gmt":"2018-04-27T21:56:23","slug":"help-my-partner-doesnt-like-to-be-touched","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/dear-gt\/help-my-partner-doesnt-like-to-be-touched","title":{"rendered":"Help! My Partner Doesn’t Like to Be Touched"},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear GoodTherapy.org,<\/span><\/p>\n

Have you ever dealt with couples where one partner had issues with being touched? That’s the situation I am in now. I have been seeing a guy for about eight months and he’s really great. He’s sweet, gives me little gifts, great conversationalist, supports me, has a lot in common with me, etc. But one thing I’ve always found strange is that he doesn’t really like to touch me or be touched very much.<\/p>\n

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For example, we will be sitting next to each other on the couch watching a show and I’ll reach for his hand, but while he lets me touch it briefly, he pulls away fairly quickly and folds his arms or something. I can lean on his shoulder for a little bit and that seems okay, but he doesn’t go out of his way to touch me. Even hugging seems difficult. He’ll do it if I initiate, but he always breaks it off first. He also never goes in for the first kiss. We have sex<\/a>, but that’s kind of distant too, in that we don’t really make eye contact and afterward he heads straight for the shower rather than cuddling with me.<\/p>\n

This has taken some getting used to for me, as I am used to relationships<\/a> where there is a lot of touch. Everyone is different, and I want to respect his differences and his boundaries<\/a>. I don’t think this is something we can’t overcome. It’s just hard not to be touched by my partner, and I don’t know why it’s not as important to him as it seems to be for me. I did a little reading online and saw that abuse<\/a> or trauma<\/a> in a person’s past could make them more averse to certain types of touch. If that’s what’s going on, he hasn’t told me anything. And it doesn’t feel right to ask him about his past in that way if he doesn’t want to volunteer it.<\/p>\n

What do you think might be going on? Is this just how some men are? \u2014Out of Touch<\/strong><\/p>\n

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist<\/a><\/p>\n

Dear Out of Touch,<\/span><\/p>\n

Thank you for your note. While I\u2019m not sure how \u201csome men\u201d are, I know how this <\/em>man is, based on your description. You sound quite compassionate<\/a>, incidentally, a great quality in a partner.<\/p>\n

It does sound as if your guy has some discomfort with physical closeness. It is hard to discern what the source of that might be. I was impressed with your research and estimation of the cause as you try to understand him better. I hope he returns the favor.<\/p>\n

I was struck by your comment that \u201cit doesn\u2019t feel right to ask him\u201d about his past. Why? It may be hard for you to broach the topic. You may fear you\u2019re wrecking the \u201choneymoon,\u201d but I don\u2019t see a good reason for you to suffer alone; you need more info here.<\/p>\n

One way to attempt this is to say you find the topic awkward but necessary to discuss. I am fairly sure you are not the type to say, \u201cSo what\u2019s the deal here? Think I got cooties?\u201d At an opportune time, you could start with something along the lines of, \u201cListen, this is awkward and I don\u2019t mean to rain on our parade, but I\u2019ve noticed you tend to pull away when we\u2019re close, and it\u2019s confusing me.\u201d<\/p>\n

You can state your feelings without making demands or intrusions. Examples of this might include, \u201cI find it a little odd or disconcerting when you run to the shower after sex,\u201d or, \u201cI really like cuddling after sex, but it seems you really don\u2019t,\u201d and so on. It gives him an opportunity to open up about a potentially tender issue.<\/p>\n

I assume he, too, may feel awkward or antsy about the topic, which is why he hasn\u2019t brought it up. He may be relieved when you do, in the thoughtful way you expressed in your letter.<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t see how bringing this up would be too forward. It would likely be worth your while to reflect upon why this is hard for you. I can only imagine that, over time, his barriers will become more off-putting\u2014perhaps even cold or rejecting<\/a>, even if he doesn\u2019t mean it to be. We need our partners to care about how we feel and vice versa, even when there isn\u2019t 100% agreement. Such emotional respect and trust is the mortar of intimacy<\/a>.<\/p>\n

In your case, you would need to loosen your own internal boundary regarding introducing a sensitive topic. He would need to ease up on his interpersonal barrier, enough to get the conversation started. Clearly you and your guy have different attitudes around touch, which cannot help but have an impact on the overall connection.<\/span><\/p>\n

If you are right in your astute speculation that this is trauma related\u2014and that would be my guess as well\u2014it may be affecting him in some emotional or psychological way. As mind and body prove to be more intertwined<\/a> as research on this progresses, there is undoubtedly some reason your guy is motivated to stick with a boundary that sounds a bit rigid.<\/p>\n

It is nearly an axiom for me that, when it comes to close relationships of any stripe (even between therapist and person in therapy), rigidity can strangle spontaneity, love, or caring. The main thing I suggest you focus on, regarding whether this is a tolerable problem, is not the content of his response but how<\/em> he responds.<\/p>\n

All couples, at various stages, have issues that need addressing. What is important is how those issues are discussed and negotiated. As the clich\u00e9 goes, relationships involve compromise. In the end, while neither person is disappointed nor thrilled at the micro level, the overall relationship is happily continued.<\/p>\n

If your guy were unwilling to be even a little uneasy in talking about this issue, or talking about why talking about it is difficult, that would be concerning. The magic words in his response, were I your individual or couples counselor, would be something to the effect of, \u201cYes, I can see how that\u2019s awkward or hard to understand for you.\u201d The yellow or red flag would be, \u201cWhy are you bringing this up? There\u2019s nothing to see here.\u201d<\/p>\n

Drs. John and Julie Gottman<\/a>, pioneers in couples theory and counseling, say the \u201cfour horsemen of the apocalypse,\u201d or major red flags in relationships, involve either excessive criticism or defensiveness. These are the danger zones: boundaries that are too rigid or a consistent lack of empathy between partners. Thus, while romance and finance tend to provoke anxiety in couples, it is how they are dealt with that matters<\/em>, along with the degree to which each person emotionally \u201chears\u201d the other.<\/p>\n

In your case, you would need to loosen your own internal boundary regarding introducing a sensitive topic. He would need to ease up on his interpersonal barrier, enough to get the conversation started. Clearly you and your guy have different attitudes around touch, which cannot help but have an impact on the overall connection.<\/p>\n

I think you would be doing him a favor by bringing this up, because if he wants to be in any <\/em>close relationship it will have to be dealt with. I would hope he\u2019d be relieved at your courage<\/a>, since the move would show him that the relationship is important to you.<\/p>\n

Without risk, relationships suffocate. Keep the focus on how you feel, as best you can, and what you hope will come from discussion. Starting with a mention of the \u201cgood stuff\u201d\u2014such as his generosity, great conversations, and so on\u2014could make the more difficult parts easier. You might want to partner with a couples counselor<\/a> who can help facilitate things.<\/p>\n

Thank you for writing. I hope this was helpful.<\/p>\n

All the best,<\/p>\n

Darren Haber, PsyD, MFT<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cI read that abuse or trauma in a person’s past could make them more averse to certain types of touch. If that’s what’s going on, he hasn’t told me anything.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1061,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625,542,623],"tags":[522,992,41,1280,856],"class_list":["post-38149","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","category-featured-articles","category-issues-treated","tag-dear-gt","tag-intimacy-issues","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships","tag-touch","tag-trauma"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38149","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1061"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=38149"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38149\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=38149"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=38149"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=38149"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}