{"id":37842,"date":"2018-04-17T06:00:24","date_gmt":"2018-04-17T13:00:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=37842"},"modified":"2018-04-16T12:52:09","modified_gmt":"2018-04-16T19:52:09","slug":"how-to-overcome-emotional-repression-in-your-relationship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/how-to-overcome-emotional-repression-in-your-relationship-0417184","title":{"rendered":"How to Overcome Emotional Repression in Your Relationship"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignleft size-medium wp-image-38067\" src=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/04\/sitting-on-pier-300x193.jpg\" alt=\"Rear view of two women sitting on pier embracing. \" width=\"300\" height=\"193\" title=\"\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/04\/sitting-on-pier-300x193.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/04\/sitting-on-pier.jpg 738w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/>What feelings were denied you as a child?<\/p>\n<p>Did your parents or caregivers say:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>\u201cI don\u2019t ever want to hear those words again\u201d in response to your anger?<\/li>\n<li>\u201cI\u2019ll give you something to cry about\u201d when you felt sad?<\/li>\n<li>\u201cDon\u2019t touch yourself there\u201d when you experienced pleasure?<\/li>\n<li>\u201cYou don\u2019t <em>really<\/em> feel that, do you?\u201d\u2014denying your experience altogether?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>While some feelings may have been allowed, we\u2019ve all experienced the discomfort of others around our more \u201cnegative\u201d emotional expressions. This can be especially problematic in romantic relationships. In his book <a href=\"https:\/\/amzn.to\/2IV8LXZ\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Getting the Love You Want<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/famous-psychologists\/harville-hendrix.html\">Harville Hendrix, PhD<\/a> explores \u201cforbidden feelings\u201d and the concept of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/repression\">repression<\/a>. He writes: \u201cYour angry feelings, your sexual feelings, and a host of other \u2018antisocial\u2019 thoughts and feelings were pushed deep inside of you and were not allowed to see the light of day.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Hendrix acknowledges that the rules of emotional expression differ between men and women. Starting in early childhood, what\u2019s \u201callowed\u201d for boys and what\u2019s \u201callowed\u201d for girls is clear.<\/p>\n<div class=\"content-fatwidget align-right\">\n\t<h2><a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/find-therapist.html\" target=\"_blank\">Find a Therapist<\/a><\/h2>\n\t<form action=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/search-redirect.html\" method=\"get\">\n\n\t\t\t<input required name=\"search[zipcode]\" placeholder=\"Enter ZIP or City\" class=\"inline-input\" type=\"text\" \/>\n\n\n\t\t\t<input type=\"submit\" name=\"TOS agreement\" value=\" \" class=\"inline-btn\" title=\"Search\" onclick=\"ga('send', 'event', 'FAT Widget', 'Submit Search', 'Sidebar', {nonInteraction: true});\" \/>\n\t\t<a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/advanced-search.html\" title=\"Advanced Search\" onclick=\"ga(&#039;send&#039;, &#039;event&#039;, &#039;FAT Widget&#039;, &#039;Advanced Search&#039;, &#039;Sidebar&#039;, {nonInteraction: true});\">Advanced Search<\/a>\n\t<\/form>\n<\/div>\n<p>He notes that, for boys, emotional expression or the expression of empathy is perceived as weakness or fear. Girls, on the other hand, are encouraged toward these tender exchanges.<\/p>\n<p>Males learn to cut off their own emotional experiences, which, in turn, impacts their ability to express themselves clearly and to develop <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/empathy\">empathy<\/a> for partners. The cutoff often looks like withdrawal, leaving the more emotionally expressive partner to chase after the distant one.<\/p>\n<div class=\"greyBorderDiv right amazonAffiliate\">This page contains at least one affiliate link for the Amazon Services\n\tLLC Associates Program, which means GoodTherapy.org receives financial compensation if you make a purchase using an Amazon link.<\/div>\n<p>In my work with both heterosexual and same-sex couples, I have seen these patterns play out repeatedly. Men and women repress their feelings based on a host of unique factors.<\/p>\n<p>Factors that influence emotional repression date back to early childhood. These can include influential personalities in the person\u2019s <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/family-of-origin-issues\">family of origin<\/a>, cultural and religious background, definitions of masculinity and femininity, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/ptsd\">trauma<\/a>, the political climate, and more.<\/p>\n<p>Some of my most meaningful work with a person occurs when they learn how to undo their own emotional repression. Here are some of the steps we take to help them emotionally evolve.<\/p>\n<h2>1. Learn Emotional Language<\/h2>\n<p>When repressed enough, partners lose their ability to retrieve the language of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/emotion\">emotions<\/a>. Evidence of this may include responses such as \u201cI don\u2019t know\u201d or \u201cI can\u2019t describe it\u201d when a person is asked how they feel.<\/p>\n<p>We start small, reviewing the six most basic human emotions: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/anger\">anger<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/sadness\">sadness<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/fear\">fear<\/a>, joy, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/love\">love<\/a>, and surprise. But knowing the feelings is not always enough to name them in the moment.<\/p>\n<p><span class=\"popout-quote-left\" style=\"font-weight: bold; width: 30%; float: left;\">Healthy emotional communication calls for being both a giver and a receiver. Reciprocation of emotional expression provides the richest environment for intimacy to grow.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2>2. Work from the Outside In<\/h2>\n<p>Feelings register in the body. We typically feel our emotions in our throats, behind our eyes, in our torsos (including back and chest), in our bellies, and sometimes in our legs, arms, hands, and feet. Knowing the sensations of the body helps you connect your experience to the learned emotional language. Heat in your cheeks might connect to anger, a lump in your throat might indicate sadness, loss of breath may connect to surprise, and butterflies in the belly or ice-cold palms may mean fear.<\/p>\n<p>Notice your reactions to conversations and experiences, pay attention to your body, and begin to make the connections for yourself.<\/p>\n<h2>3. Verbalize the Feeling<\/h2>\n<p>Once you tune into the sensation and connect it to the relevant feeling word, you can verbalize the feeling by sharing with your partner. You can say, for example, \u201cI\u2019m aware that I have butterflies in my stomach and that I feel scared,\u201d or, \u201cI can feel my heart pounding right now; I know I\u2019m angry and I need time to cool off.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Being able to verbalize your feelings gives you and your partner a chance to communicate about what&#8217;s fueling them and why they may be uncomfortable.<\/p>\n<h2>Conclusion<\/h2>\n<p>When you complete all three steps, you\u2019re overcoming emotional repression. You\u2019re no longer detaching from your feelings. You\u2019re no longer denying yourself the right to speak up about your experience. You\u2019re allowing others to know you more deeply.<\/p>\n<p>Of course, there are other feelings words, such as disappointment, loss, confusion, bewilderment, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/what-is-hope\">hope<\/a>, excitement, and more. But for anyone who has a lifetime of emotional repression, the six most basic human emotions often capture enough to name the feeling adequately. As you become more habitual in sensing, naming, and verbalizing your emotions, consider expanding your emotional language to describe how you feel.<\/p>\n<p>For those of you on the receiving end, check in with yourselves. Make sure you want what is offered. Anger, sadness, and fear are generally harder to receive than love, joy, and surprise. Sometimes, people tell me they want their partners to express themselves more fully, but when they do, the receivers struggle to take in what their partners say.<\/p>\n<p>Healthy emotional <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/communication-issues\">communication<\/a> calls for being both a giver and a receiver. Reciprocation of emotional expression provides the richest environment for <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/intimacy\">intimacy<\/a> to grow. If you are struggling with this, either individually or as a couple, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/find-therapist.html\">make an appointment<\/a> with a licensed counselor.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Reference:<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Hendrix, H. (2008). <em>Getting the love you want: A guide for couples<\/em>. New York, NY: Holt Paperbacks.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>If parents or caregivers denied your emotional experience, repression could make it difficult to name feelings. This may present issues in adult relationships.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2905,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542,623],"tags":[771,1113,41,1233],"class_list":["post-37842","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","category-issues-treated","tag-emotions","tag-feelings","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships","tag-repression"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37842","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2905"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=37842"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37842\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=37842"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=37842"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=37842"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}