{"id":37734,"date":"2018-04-05T06:00:00","date_gmt":"2018-04-05T13:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=37734"},"modified":"2018-04-03T11:51:54","modified_gmt":"2018-04-03T18:51:54","slug":"relational-hurt-or-attachment-injury-how-to-tell-the-difference","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/relational-hurt-or-attachment-injury-how-to-tell-the-difference-0405184","title":{"rendered":"Relational Hurt or Attachment Injury? How to Tell the Difference"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"PensiveIf you have ever been in a relationship, you have experienced hurt. It is inevitable. Even when two people have a connected, secure, and healthy relationship, they will experience hurt at some point. When couples come to therapy<\/a>, it is often due to an experience or pattern of experiences that created hurt for one or both partners. They decide to pursue therapy because they are having a hard time resolving this hurt in order to feel safe with each other again.<\/p>\n

When working with couples, I seek to understand the nature and significance of the hurt before moving toward resolution. How bad is it? How deep is the impact? First, we must understand the two levels of hurt: relational hurts and attachment injuries.<\/p>\n

Relational Hurts<\/h2>\n

Secure couples can often navigate relational hurts on their own. Things like forgotten anniversaries, reactive insults, or blow-up fights can sneak into relationships<\/a>. For secure couples (couples who feel they can depend and rely on each other in times of need), relational hurts are fairly easy to navigate. Partners can share their hurt feelings with each other, hear and empathize<\/a> with the hurt of their loved one, and provide comfort and reassurance.\u00a0Partners can move forward in the relationship with trust, security, and safety despite the hurtful experience.\u00a0This is a natural and expected experience for healthy relationships.<\/p>\n

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I can often tell when a hurt falls into the category of a relational hurt.\u00a0In our sessions, couples may share feelings of sadness<\/a>, anger<\/a>, hurt, and pain in response to an experience.\u00a0However, when I ask them if they feel their partner loves and cares for them, they can quickly answer \u201cyes.\u201d For them, even though the hurt happened, it hasn\u2019t significantly changed the way they view each other or the relationship.<\/p>\n

Attachment Injuries<\/h2>\n

Attachment<\/a> injuries are trickier.\u00a0They require much more care, consideration, and often more guidance, sometimes from a couples counselor. When couples are trying to respond to attachment injuries as if they are merely a relational hurt, they can stay stuck.\u00a0Without recognizing the significance and impact of the injury, they can go down a long road of frustration and more hurt.\u00a0An injured partner can feel even more hurt that the other person is not responding in ways that provide healing.\u00a0The hurt deepens, becomes more complex, and can create great distress in the relationship.<\/p>\n

Dr. Sue Johnson<\/a> defines an attachment injury as \u201ca feeling of betrayal or abandonment during a critical time of need.\u201d\u00a0When an attachment injury has occurred, a partner may view their relationship as changed or they may view their partner in a different way.\u00a0An affair is a good example of an attachment injury.\u00a0Infidelity<\/a> often causes a partner to view a previously safe relationship as unsafe.\u00a0While they used to view their partner as trustworthy, they now wonder, \u201cCan I ever trust this person again?\u201d<\/p>\n

Attachment injuries are trickier.\u00a0They require much more care, consideration, and often more guidance, sometimes from a couples counselor. <\/span><\/p>\n

There are also more subtle attachment injuries.\u00a0Consider the example of a wife, grieving<\/a> the loss of her mother, crying in her bedroom.\u00a0She sees her husband walk by on his phone, consumed in a work call.\u00a0He sees her in tears but, after getting so caught up in his work, never returns to check on her.\u00a0In that moment, she decides she is not important to him and she must go through this pain alone. In that moment, everything changes in how she views the relationship and how she views her husband.\u00a0She was in need and he wasn\u2019t there.<\/p>\n

There are three key ways to determine if a hurt is an attachment injury. First, partners report they have apologized, but their hurt partner keeps bringing up the hurtful experience. Additionally, the hurt partner may report feeling as though they relive the hurtful experience when they think or talk about it. They can still feel the pain, almost as if it just happened. Finally, couples report a significant, defining shift in the relationship felt by one or both partners that can be traced back to a specific time or incident. If any of these things are happening in your relationship, there may be an attachment injury.<\/p>\n

If you believe you are dealing with an attachment injury in your relationship, here are some potentially helpful things to think about:<\/p>\n