{"id":37536,"date":"2018-03-05T06:00:59","date_gmt":"2018-03-05T14:00:59","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=37536"},"modified":"2018-03-01T16:08:07","modified_gmt":"2018-03-02T00:08:07","slug":"how-do-you-really-feel-expressing-disappointment-in-therapy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/how-do-you-really-feel-expressing-disappointment-in-therapy-0305184","title":{"rendered":"How Do You Really Feel? Expressing Disappointment in Therapy"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"PersonPeople seek out therapy<\/a> for any number of reasons: anger management<\/a>, trauma<\/a>, relationship issues, or anxiety, just to name a few. But whatever the issue or concern bringing a person to therapy, when they are able to express a full range of feelings they have the potential to achieve even deeper healing.<\/p>\n

When I talk about feelings here, I’m not just referring to the person’s feelings about their own experience, especially because some people may hold off on that for a while, wanting to fully trust<\/a> their therapist before they share that. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m talking about a person’s feelings toward their therapist and the therapy experience.<\/p>\n

It’s my opinion that many people who go to therapy are just too \u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 nice. By “too nice,” I mean they aren’t open with the therapist about negative feelings, such as disappointment, they might develop toward the therapist. They don’t, for whatever reason or reasons, speak up and let their therapist know what they really think and feel about them. <\/em>But feeling open enough to express your disappointment about your therapist to <\/em>your therapist could really help your therapy shift.<\/p>\n

Are You Protecting Your Therapist From Yourself?<\/h2>\n

Sure, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve got some skin in the game when I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m working with people, and I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m likely to be affected by how they express themselves to me and what they say about me. But being able to manage the transference<\/a> of people expressing all kinds of negative and positive feelings is all part of a therapist’s training. And I continue to do my own work, outside of the time I spend with the people I’m working with,\u00c2\u00a0 as part of my ongoing upkeep. I work to know myself as well as I can because the feelings I have in response to your feelings inform how I support you. (If you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re interested, this is called countertransference<\/a>.) [fat_widget_right]<\/p>\n

In other words, in order to be fully present and helpful in the therapy room, my personal work involves\u00c2\u00a0sorting out<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. My feelings<\/li>\n
  2. Your feelings<\/li>\n
  3. My knowledge of systems<\/li>\n
  4. Life cycle issues<\/li>\n
  5. How people change<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Part of my job is being fully present with you, and I want you to also be fully present with me. In order to be fully present with me, you will first have to be fully present with yourself and then share that presence with me. I encourage you to share those thoughts and those feelings you are having, even\u00e2\u20ac\u201despecially\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthose feelings you may be editing out for my benefit.<\/p>\n

    A New Office<\/h2>\n

    When I moved into my new office, I was excited.\u00c2\u00a0I got to buy all my own furniture, wall art, etc.\u00e2\u20ac\u201dI got to make the space mine<\/em>, instead of having to remake the\u00c2\u00a0space every time I came in for my day, like I had to do when renting from someone else.<\/p>\n

    Of course, one consideration with designing my own space was realizing that not everyone who came into my space (such as people coming to therapy) would feel the way I did about it. Some of them didn’t like my lamp, others had issues with my bookcase, and some even disliked the pillows I chose.<\/p>\n

    There were also some things about the office that weren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t in my control. For example, it wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t on the top floor of a building in the financial district, and it didn’t have a gorgeous view. In fact, it was windowless and had a rickety elevator.<\/p>\n

    Some of the people I worked with expressed their disagreement with the style choices for my office and even the location. They told me my choice in furniture was off, that they resented that my space wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t, well, different<\/em> than it was.<\/p>\n

    My inner responses?<\/p>\n