{"id":37429,"date":"2018-02-23T08:00:55","date_gmt":"2018-02-23T16:00:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=37429"},"modified":"2018-02-21T15:51:26","modified_gmt":"2018-02-21T23:51:26","slug":"you-want-kids-your-partner-doesnt-can-therapy-help","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/you-want-kids-your-partner-doesnt-can-therapy-help-0223185","title":{"rendered":"You Want Kids. Your Partner Doesn’t. Can Therapy Help?"},"content":{"rendered":"

“\"CoupleThings are really coming together for us,\u201d the man in my office said confidently. \u201cIf we can just figure out the kid thing.\u201d<\/p>\n

His fiancee nodded.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe kid thing,\u201d I repeated, turning to her. \u201cI thought you talked about that months ago. You wanted to start a family after finishing business school, right?”<\/p>\n

But as it turned out, sometime over the past eight months she had become unsure about having a family. He had chalked it up to her enthusiasm about graduate school and figured she\u2019d change her mind once she finished. But she hadn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

By this point, I had been working with this couple for many months. Recently engaged, they were making plans for the holidays with both of their families. They had achieved a lot through therapy<\/a>, improving their communication<\/a> as well as their understanding of each other\u2018s concerns and goals. There were still uncomfortable moments, including when she decided to push the envelope and purchase her own engagement ring. But overall, their relationship was working, and all was good.<\/p>\n

A disagreement over whether to have children, however, especially at this stage in a couple\u2019s relationship, is a landmine no therapist can avoid, and I\u2019m grateful to colleagues like Ann Davidman who have developed workshops dedicated to this topic.

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It\u2019s already so difficult for some people to decide they can be compatible with someone for the entirety of their lives. They agree to share a household and relatives, perhaps finances. But if\u00a0a couple cannot come to an agreement on whether or not to have children, this can mean the end of the relationship.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s actually quite miraculous that so many couples share the same outlook toward children, now that we have so much freedom to choose. The path toward becoming a parent<\/a> used to be more straightforward when fewer couples married for love and birth control wasn\u2019t an option. But that was decades ago. Now we have many choices to consider, such as how many kids? When to have them? Who will work? How will they be cared for? These choices are often complex and require careful thought.<\/p>\n

Talking About Kids When the Relationship Gets Serious<\/h2>\n

So what if you and your partner are getting serious about your relationship<\/a>, thinking you\u2019re headed in the same direction, whether that is “Yes,” “No,” or “Most likely not,” to kids, but you actually have different ideas? Maybe you already had that talk and were on the same page, but since then one of you has moved in another direction while the other’s commitment to their own decision has never been stronger.<\/p>\n

The decision to become a parent or remain child-free is personal, and it shouldn\u2019t be compromised for a person who truly wants it (or does not want it). The resentment that often develops when partners cannot agree is a danger to the relationship, and it can be difficult to overcome.<\/span><\/p>\n

I encourage you to consider the following recommendations. Some of these I have used with couples I have worked with in therapy, while others, I have seen play out successfully in other relationships.<\/p>\n