{"id":37198,"date":"2018-02-14T06:00:27","date_gmt":"2018-02-14T14:00:27","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=37198"},"modified":"2018-02-13T13:43:18","modified_gmt":"2018-02-13T21:43:18","slug":"affect-tolerance-what-can-i-do-about-all-these-darned-feelings","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/affect-tolerance-what-can-i-do-about-all-these-darned-feelings-0214184","title":{"rendered":"Affect Tolerance: What Can I Do About All These Darned Feelings?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><em><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignleft size-medium wp-image-37368\" src=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/distress-tolerance-looking-away-300x200.jpg\" alt=\"Young adult with short hair and facial hair, hands clasped under chin, looks into distance thoughtfully\" width=\"300\" height=\"200\" title=\"\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/distress-tolerance-looking-away-300x200.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/distress-tolerance-looking-away.jpg 724w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/>\u201cOur wounds are often the openings into the best and most beautiful parts of us.\u201d<\/em> \u2014David Richo, PhD, MFT<\/p>\n<p><em>\u201cEveryone is down on pain, because they forgot something important about it: Pain is for the living. Only the dead don\u2019t feel it.\u201d<\/em> \u2014Jim Butcher, author<\/p>\n<p><em>\u201cThe sweetest pleasures are those which are hardest to be won.\u201d<\/em> \u2014Giacomo Casanova, adventurer and author<\/p>\n<p>According to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/famous-psychologists\/sigmund-freud.html\">Sigmund Freud<\/a>, we\u2019re all pleasure seekers; it\u2019s our fundamental nature. He said maturity is the ability to postpone desire for comfort and pleasure in order to deal with reality. Despite ongoing controversy about some of his more unusual concepts, I think he was right about this one. Humans have come up with an astounding variety of ways to change pain into pleasure. Here is a partial list of things I\u2019ve heard people talking about just in the last week or so:<\/p>\n<div class=\"content-fatwidget align-right\">\n\t<h2><a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/find-therapist.html\" target=\"_blank\">Find a Therapist<\/a><\/h2>\n\t<form action=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/search-redirect.html\" method=\"get\">\n\n\t\t\t<input required name=\"search[zipcode]\" placeholder=\"Enter ZIP or City\" class=\"inline-input\" type=\"text\" \/>\n\n\n\t\t\t<input type=\"submit\" name=\"TOS agreement\" value=\" \" class=\"inline-btn\" title=\"Search\" onclick=\"ga('send', 'event', 'FAT Widget', 'Submit Search', 'Sidebar', {nonInteraction: true});\" \/>\n\t\t<a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/advanced-search.html\" title=\"Advanced Search\" onclick=\"ga('send', 'event', 'FAT Widget', 'Advanced Search', 'Sidebar', {nonInteraction: true});\" >Advanced Search<\/a>\n\t<\/form>\n<\/div>\n<ul>\n<li>Marijuana (this one\u2019s popular these days!)<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/drug-and-substance-abuse\">Alcohol<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Vacation<\/li>\n<li>Overeating<\/li>\n<li>Undereating<\/li>\n<li>Running<\/li>\n<li>Netflix<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/drugs\/psychotropic-medication.html\">Medication<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Organizing one\u2019s closets<\/li>\n<li>Knitting<\/li>\n<li>\u201cZoning out\u201d<\/li>\n<li>Caffeine<\/li>\n<li>Chocolate<\/li>\n<li>Gaming<\/li>\n<li>Music<\/li>\n<li>Overworking<\/li>\n<li>Avoiding work<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/sex-and-sexuality\">Sex<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>As always, these things aren\u2019t inherently bad; many are wonderful. Like anything in life, it\u2019s all in how these things are used, especially over time. Are we using them to avoid difficult <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/emotion\">emotions<\/a>? Or are we using them to create something in our best interest?<\/p>\n<p>When it comes to dealing with pain, though, there\u2019s another approach. In <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/meditation\">meditation<\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/12-step-program\">12-step recovery<\/a> circles, we are often told to \u201cjust sit with it.\u201d What does this mean?<\/p>\n<p><span class=\"popout-quote-left\" style=\"font-weight: bold; width: 30%; float: left;\">In psychology,<em> affect tolerance<\/em> basically means this: how much of your emotion can you tolerate? Sit with? Feel? That is, without needing to take action to shut them off.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>In <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/psychology\">psychology<\/a>,<em> affect tolerance<\/em> basically means this: how much of your emotion can you tolerate? Sit with? Feel? That is, without needing to take action to shut them off. There is no way to precisely measure emotion or someone\u2019s tolerance of it. However, it\u2019s useful as one indicator of mental and emotional health.<\/p>\n<p>Why would anyone <em>want<\/em> to hang out with their lousy feelings? This is a valid question, and having a clear answer in mind is pretty much a prerequisite for doing the work. Drawing on my clinical (and personal) experience, here is why I believe feeling one\u2019s difficult feelings (and increasing one\u2019s affect tolerance in the process) is useful:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Because feeling our difficult feelings is what makes them go away.<\/strong> And I mean truly go away, not just lurk around, waiting to pop up on a rainy day. Now, there are a few caveats: The feelings have to be within the person\u2019s <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/window-of-tolerance\">window of tolerance<\/a>. That is, the intensity must be somewhere in between avoiding and flooding\u2014that \u201csweet spot\u201d where the body can metabolize the feelings. In the case of complex trauma, this may take a while (and therapeutic assistance is important). The worse the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/ptsd\">trauma<\/a>, the longer it may take, but the vast majority of people are capable of positive change if they put their minds to it and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/find-therapist.html\">have a competent guide<\/a>. Sitting with difficult feelings is a skill best learned from another, more experienced human being (parent, mentor, sponsor, therapist, etc.).<\/li>\n<li><strong>Because we can\u2019t shut down pain without also shutting down a lot of our pleasure.<\/strong> And I think it\u2019s our birthright to feel the joy of just being alive. Our bodies are made to feel good in simply existing, when things are going well. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/dissociation\">Dissociation<\/a> is like novocaine: it might take away the pain, but you\u2019re not going to perceive much pleasure, either. Especially not the deeply felt, embodied pleasure and liveliness that constitute peak experiences.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Because our experience of \u201cbad\u201d feelings shifts over time as we get the hang of it. <\/strong>\u201cParting is such sweet sorrow,\u201d Shakespeare wrote. Believe it or not, there is usually a positive aspect to unpleasant feelings. But it\u2019s like the post-workout high: you have to be \u201cin shape\u201d in order to start experiencing it. It may feel lousy at first.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Because it feels fantastic when the old feelings are cleared.<\/strong> Many people who have habitually avoided their emotions find it difficult to feel their bodies\u2019 signals. There\u2019s good reason for this: our bodies are where the trauma lives. In somatic therapy circles, we call this \u201cbeing disembodied\u201d to some degree.\u00a0<div class=\"greyBorderDiv right amazonAffiliate\">This page contains at least one affiliate link for the Amazon Services\n\tLLC Associates Program, which means GoodTherapy.org receives financial compensation if you make a purchase using an Amazon link.<\/div><\/li>\n<li><strong>Because emotional repression creates chronic stress, which lowers immune response and makes us vulnerable to physical illness.<\/strong> Dr. Gabor Mat\u00e9 explores this connection at length in his book <a href=\"http:\/\/amzn.to\/2BKdc36\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">When The Body Says No<\/a>. This book is a synthesis of theory, his own clinical vignettes, and a lot of medical research. In the chapter titled &#8220;Stress, Hormones, Repression, and Cancer,&#8221; Dr. Mat\u00e9 explains the interactions between stress-responsive endocrine glands, the brain, and the immune system. &#8220;In short, for cancer causation it is not enough that DNA damage occur; also necessary are the failure of DNA repair and\/or an impairment of regulated cell death. Stress and the repression of emotion can negatively affect both of those processes&#8221; (p. 92). On page 97, he continues, &#8220;Under conditions of chronic stress, the immune system may become either too confused to recognize the mutated cell clones that form the cancer or too debilitated to mount an effective attack against them.&#8221; Of course, psychotherapy can not treat medical problems and is not a substitute for medical care. In a more general way, the body of work called psychoneuroimmunology\u00a0promotes the idea of well-being by increasing self-regulation, particularly <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/biology-of-calm-how-downregulation-promotes-well-being-1027164\">downregulation<\/a>, or coming out of the stress response.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>In some cases, it may take a while to get to where you want to be emotionally. The cultivation of affect tolerance and a rich inner life is, I believe, a lifetime practice. But, really, is there anything more important in life than feeling truly healthy, good, and at the top of your game? Wouldn\u2019t you rather look back five years from now and be glad you started the work then? What do you have to lose?<\/p>\n<p><strong>References:<\/strong><\/p>\n<ol>\n<li>Azar, B. (2001). A new take on psychoneuroimmunology. <em>Monitor On Psychology: American Psychological Association<\/em>. Retrieved from\u00a0http:\/\/www.apa.org\/monitor\/dec01\/anewtake.aspx<\/li>\n<li>Mat\u00e9, G. (2003). <em>When the body says no: Exploring the stress-disease connection<\/em>. New Jersey: Wiley and Sons.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>The ways we numb or avoid uncomfortable feelings often achieve their purpose\u2014in the short term. Longer term, sitting with our discomfort is more productive.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3022,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542,623],"tags":[1146,771,1134],"class_list":["post-37198","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","category-issues-treated","tag-affect-tolerance","tag-emotions","tag-uncomfortable-feelings"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37198","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3022"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=37198"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37198\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=37198"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=37198"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=37198"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}