{"id":36873,"date":"2018-01-20T06:00:31","date_gmt":"2018-01-20T14:00:31","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=36873"},"modified":"2018-01-22T07:25:20","modified_gmt":"2018-01-22T15:25:20","slug":"why-are-teenage-friendships-so-hard-today","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/why-do-so-many-teenagers-struggle-to-form-friendships-0120184","title":{"rendered":"Why Do So Many Teenagers Struggle to Form Friendships?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignleft size-medium wp-image-37049\" src=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/01\/teen-on-park-bench-300x200.jpg\" alt=\"Young student with short hair sits on bench, looking lonely, backpack nearby\" width=\"300\" height=\"200\" title=\"\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/01\/teen-on-park-bench-300x200.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/01\/teen-on-park-bench.jpg 724w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/>\u201cI have no friends,\u201d said a recent high school sophomore during an emotional therapy session. She\u2019s not alone\u2014I hear it daily working with <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/child-and-adolescent-issues\">adolescent<\/a> girls. As adults, we often scoff and wonder how this could be. But the truth is, teenagers today feel <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/isolation\">isolated<\/a> and more alone than ever. Even in the age of social media, with constant digital connection, lack of deep <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/friendship\">friendships<\/a> is creating a secluded void.<\/p>\n<p>While everyone feels <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/loneliness\">lonely<\/a> from time to time, the number of teenagers who tell me they feel friendless is unnerving. When I probe deeper and ask why they feel this way, and how it happened, similar patterns emerge across the board.<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>It starts to unravel in middle school, after successfully navigating friendships in elementary school.<\/li>\n<li>The unraveling tends to start with a friendship conflict. Sometimes it\u2019s a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/jealousy\">jealousy<\/a> situation, sometimes it involves <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/peer-pressure\">peer pressure<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/fear\">fear<\/a>, and sometimes it\u2019s a popularity contest.<\/li>\n<li>Teens feel shunned by former friends, and they can\u2019t seem to get the relationship back on track.<\/li>\n<li>Teens have a hard time making new friends because they are not sure who is trustworthy.<\/li>\n<li>Teens feel like social media are a blessing and a curse.<\/li>\n<li>Teens feel isolated, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/vulnerability\">vulnerable<\/a>, and alone.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<div class=\"content-fatwidget align-right\">\n\t<h2><a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/find-therapist.html\" target=\"_blank\">Find a Child Counselor<\/a><\/h2>\n\t<form action=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/search-redirect.html\" method=\"get\">\n\n\t\t\t\t<input required name=\"search[zipcode]\" placeholder=\"Enter ZIP or City\" class=\"inline-input\" type=\"text\" \/>\n\n\n\t\t\t<input type=\"submit\" name=\"TOS agreement\" value=\" \" class=\"inline-btn\" title=\"Search\" \/>\n\t\t\t<input type=\"hidden\" name=\"search[x_option]\" value=\"childcounselor\" \/>\n\t\t<a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/advanced-search.html\" title=\"Advanced Search\">Advanced Search<\/a>\n\t<\/form>\n<\/div>\n<p>As adults, we are often quick to think, \u201cJust go make a friend.\u201d Today, it isn\u2019t that easy. There are social media platforms to navigate, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/social-status\">reputations<\/a> to discern, disconnections to hurdle. It can feel overwhelming to start. Whether accurate or not, any perceived challenge can make a teen more likely to not reach out to someone as a friend. For instance, it\u2019s a common perception among teens to view themselves as unlikable. \u201cShe doesn\u2019t like me, she never even looks at me in the hallway,\u201d I hear often.<\/p>\n<p>Even in the age of constant virtual connectedness, we live with personal and intimate disconnectedness. Teens can have \u201cfriends\u201d on Facebook but often feel left out when others are having fun on Saturday night and they weren\u2019t invited. Classmates may comment on a teen\u2019s Instagram photo but forget to invite them to join a movie night.<\/p>\n<p><span class=\"popout-quote-left\" style=\"font-weight: bold; width: 30%; float: left;\">Teenage years are hard enough without the extra challenge of feeling friendless.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>Social media also provide an inherent friendship killer\u2014<a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/competitiveness\">competition<\/a>. That\u2019s what social media are often used for\u2014showing off, looking cool, and stirring <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/envy\">envy<\/a>. Taking a selfie is often work for teens. They may feel the need to look their best from every angle, and it often takes a few tries to get it &#8220;right.&#8221; When the end result turns out to be a fabulous photo, social media followers may forget that the person in the photo can also have zits, a broken heart, and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/family-problems\">family conflict<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>How can teens learn to have healthy friendships in this competitive, disconnected culture we live in? Here are 10 suggestions you can give your teen:<\/p>\n<ol>\n<li>Some people are popular only because everyone is afraid of them. That is no way to have friends; that\u2019s a dictatorship! <strong>Look around at the people who are friendly, but not super popular\u2014that\u2019s where you\u2019re likely to find the people who stay out of drama.<\/strong><\/li>\n<li><strong>Understand that there can be levels of friends.<\/strong> You can have a class friend, a tennis friend, and a best friend. They are all important to your well-being!<\/li>\n<li>You can\u2019t always find friendship in your phone. Look up and outward. <strong>Put your phone away and connect in person.<\/strong> Start with a friendly smile and work up from there to a kind \u201chello.\u201d<\/li>\n<li>Have an acquaintance whom you like? Take a risk and ask them to do something with you. Go to Starbucks, see a movie, do a project. <strong>Even if you are scared, ask.<\/strong> Taking risks and asking often deepens relationships.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Try a new activity.<\/strong> If you are an artist, join Art Club! That is where your kind of people are probably hanging out.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Don\u2019t be so quick to assume that everyone dislikes you.<\/strong> What do they know about you? Do you walk through the halls with your head down and a distressed look on your face? You could be inadvertently sending an inaccurate impression visually. Maybe lighten up a bit, walk to class with a friendly face, and take a chance by smiling at someone. See what happens as an experiment.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Look for evidence.<\/strong> Are you sure that person \u201chates\u201d you? What are the facts? Feelings are not facts\u2014we need to look for actual evidence to support your feelings. Maybe you\u2019ll find you didn\u2019t have all the facts and misread a situation.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Learn social skills.<\/strong> Find safe topics that everyone likes to talk about such as food, animals, weather, television shows, and holidays. Ask questions, don\u2019t give one-word answers, and be polite. Learn the art of interviewing \u2013 it\u2019s essential to get to know someone!<\/li>\n<li><strong>Be vulnerable.<\/strong> Tell someone something about yourself. Start with a small detail that you don\u2019t care if people know and grow it from there.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Assume people are good and want to have a friend.<\/strong>\u00a0Almost everyone wants to be connected.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p>Teenage years are hard enough without the extra challenge of feeling friendless. Understanding the impact of social media, lack of personal togetherness, and the absence of trust can help adults guide teenagers through the vulnerable emotions of friendship making.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>It can be hard to watch your teenager experience loneliness. Learn about the social landscape teens face and how you can help your child find friendship.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2847,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542,623],"tags":[21,674,408,741,51,637],"class_list":["post-36873","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","category-issues-treated","tag-child-and-adolescent-issues","tag-friendship","tag-isolation","tag-loneliness","tag-healthy-parenting","tag-social-media"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36873","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2847"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=36873"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36873\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=36873"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=36873"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=36873"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}