{"id":36841,"date":"2018-01-11T08:00:36","date_gmt":"2018-01-11T16:00:36","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=36841"},"modified":"2018-01-09T11:26:22","modified_gmt":"2018-01-09T19:26:22","slug":"its-a-family-thing-when-passive-aggressiveness-is-passed-on","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/its-a-family-thing-when-passive-aggressiveness-is-passed-on-0111185","title":{"rendered":"It\u2019s a Family Thing: When Passive-Aggressiveness Is Passed On"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Two\u201cI hope I never turn into my mother,\u201d you say. \u201cYou sound just like your father,\u201d you\u2019re told. If one or both of your caregivers was passive-aggressive<\/a>, the idea of turning into them may be especially horrifying. If you grew up in a household where anger<\/a> was avoided, you might struggle to break the cycle of passive aggression that can be passed from generation to generation.<\/p>\n

Children are like little sponges of information. When we are young, we soak up knowledge and new experiences, and we absorb our family\u2019s beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors\u2014including their anger style.<\/p>\n

There are three main styles of anger:<\/p>\n

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Find a Therapist<\/a><\/h2>\n\t
\n\n\t\t\t\n\n\n\t\t\t\n\t\tAdvanced Search<\/a>\n\t<\/form>\n<\/div>\n
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  1. Anger-avoidant<\/li>\n
  2. Anger-expressive<\/li>\n
  3. Anger-healthy<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Both conflict and love can occur simultaneously in an anger-healthy family. An argument doesn\u2019t destroy closeness, and people work together to resolve problems. In an expressive family, anger is thrown around freely, love comes with a side of explosive conflict, and children learn that to get what they want, they have to be angry.<\/p>\n

    Right now, though, we\u2019re going to focus on the anger-avoidant type. In these families, anger is rarely expressed or conflict acknowledged. If you\u2019re a people pleaser or hide your emotions<\/a>, it\u2019s likely you grew up in an anger-avoidant home, or in one where one person was anger-expressive and everyone else hid it at all costs.<\/p>\n

    What\u2019s wrong with hiding anger? If you\u2019re anger-avoidant, it may sound odd to you that showing it can be a good thing. But anger is healthy, and all of us\u2014yes, all\u2014feel it.<\/p>\n

    When someone says or does something that makes you angry, you learn about yourself\u00ad\u2014what\u2019s important to you, what upsets you. When you tell someone that they\u2019ve angered you, they learn about you, too. It\u2019s impossible for any of us to truly hide our emotions, no matter how much we try to convince ourselves that we\u2019re pros at it. When you try to hide your anger, you leave everyone guessing why you\u2019re upset. Tension<\/a> and bitterness grow.<\/p>\n

    Now that you\u2019re an adult, you can change your behavior\u2014to stop the generational cycle of passive-aggressiveness. If a passive-aggressive family member is still in your life, you can also learn skills to manage your relationship with them. When you\u2019re working to defeat your passive-aggressive behaviors, it\u2019s important not to get sucked into their anger-avoidant vortex.<\/p>\n

    As a marriage and family therapist, I work with many families struggling with passive aggression. Over my decades of work, I\u2019ve learned it\u2019s often those around the passive-aggressive person who need the most help.<\/p>\n

    If a passive-aggressive person makes a snide remark in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? In other words, it takes two to maintain a passive-aggressive relationship. How do you stop supporting someone\u2019s anger avoidance? Try these four steps:<\/p>\n

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    1. Stop blaming yourself. <\/strong>Your family\u2019s anger style is not your fault. You may be part of the cycle or passive-aggressive too, but we are each responsible for the way we show our emotions. That includes your mother, father, sister, step-brother, and cousin twice removed.<\/li>\n
    2. Stop saying you\u2019re sorry. <\/strong>Don\u2019t apologize unless you\u2019ve done something wrong. If your family member makes subtle suggestions that they\u2019re upset about something, don\u2019t say you\u2019re sorry unless they are forthright about why.<\/li>\n
    3. Limit your exposure. <\/strong>If you\u2019re in recovery from drug or alcohol addiction<\/a>, you avoid people who drink or do drugs. The same goes for recovery from passive-aggressiveness.<\/li>\n
    4. Don\u2019t give in. <\/strong>Passive-aggressive people can be manipulative<\/a>, especially of people pleasers. To get what they want, they drop hints. Or they make underhanded comments to let you know they\u2019re angry. Like No. 2, the solution is to stop allowing it to work. Stop guessing, stop giving in\u00ad, and start putting your needs first.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      Now it\u2019s time to work on your own passive-aggressive behaviors.<\/p>\n

      Now that you\u2019re an adult, you can change your behavior\u2014to stop the generational cycle of passive-aggressiveness. If a passive-aggressive family member is still in your life, you can also learn skills to manage your relationship with them.<\/span><\/p>\n

      I could write a book about how to stop being passive-aggressive\u2014in fact, I\u2019ve written two! But, for now, here\u2019s the nutshell version.<\/p>\n

      As we\u2019ve already discussed, hidden anger comes from a fear of anger. So, the first thing you have to do is get comfortable feeling angry. I want you to find a time and a quiet place where you can be alone. Then I want you to sit for a while and think back on a situation that upset you.<\/p>\n

      Go over everything that was said and done and pay attention to any thoughts that arise. Now, focus on the way your emotions feel in your body. Does your stomach clench up? Does your face feel hot? Remember those sensations. Pay attention the next time you feel them. If you\u2019re an anger hider, you may not always know when you\u2019re upset. The next time you feel those sensations will be a clue that someone has said or done something that has angered you.<\/p>\n

      Faulty thinking (or cognitive distortions<\/a>) are thought patterns that convince us something is true that isn\u2019t. These thoughts are inaccurate and reinforce negative feelings we have about ourselves. Everyone has cognitive distortions sometimes, but for passive-aggressive people, they can make it hard to express emotions in a healthy way.<\/p>\n

      Two faulty thoughts especially common in anger-avoidant types are the people-pleasing one and the self-victimization one. \u201cI want everyone to like me,\u201d the people-pleasing thought goes. \u201cThe more approval I get from others, the better I feel about myself.\u201d The solution? Try to reframe the thought: \u201cI want everyone to like me (who doesn\u2019t!), but it\u2019s okay if not everyone does. After all, I don\u2019t like everyone either.\u201d<\/p>\n

      \u201cI might feel that I\u2019m overworked or unappreciated, but I will never say no,\u201d goes the self-victimization thought. Underlying this thought is fear<\/a>\u2014fear of what will happen or how you\u2019ll feel about yourself if you say no. So, instead of saying no, you grow angry and bitter and your relationships suffer because deep inside, you\u2019re seething with resentment<\/a>. Wouldn\u2019t just saying no be better? Next time, try it. It may feel awkward at first, and the other party might be surprised, but you\u2019ll be happier and healthier in the long run.<\/p>\n

      Reframing thoughts, altering behaviors, and getting comfortable with your anger, along with passive-aggressive-person management skills, are a great place to start when you\u2019re trying to break the cycle of generational passive-aggressiveness. For guidance and support, contact a licensed therapist<\/a>.<\/p>\n

      Reference:<\/strong><\/p>\n

      Brandt, A. (2013). 8 keys to eliminating passive-aggressiveness<\/em>. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

      If the family culture in which we\u2019re raised is anger-avoidant, passive-aggressive behavior may become entrenched. Here\u2019s how to break this generational cycle.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2934,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542,623],"tags":[231,393,1116],"class_list":["post-36841","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","category-issues-treated","tag-anger","tag-family-problems","tag-passive-aggressive-behavior"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36841","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2934"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=36841"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36841\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=36841"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=36841"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=36841"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}