{"id":36483,"date":"2017-11-30T08:00:13","date_gmt":"2017-11-30T16:00:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=36483"},"modified":"2019-07-15T09:14:50","modified_gmt":"2019-07-15T16:14:50","slug":"just-say-no-to-saying-no-better-ways-to-improve-a-childs-behavior","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/just-say-no-to-saying-no-better-ways-to-improve-childs-behavior-1130175","title":{"rendered":"Just Say No to Saying &#8216;No&#8217;: Better Ways to Improve a Child\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Behavior"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><em><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignleft size-medium wp-image-36489\" src=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/11\/family-running-in-park-300x200.jpg\" alt=\"A family of four talking a walk in the park. The two children are walking in front of their parents, smiling and playing with their arms stretched out to the side.\" width=\"300\" height=\"200\" title=\"\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/11\/family-running-in-park-300x200.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/11\/family-running-in-park.jpg 724w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/>\u00e2\u20ac\u0153[W]hen you&#8217;re little, your life is up. The future is up. Everything you want is up. \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcWait up! Hold up! Shut up! Mom, I&#8217;ll clean up! Let me stay up!\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 Parents, of course, are just the opposite. Everything is down. \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcJust calm down. Slow down. Come down here. Sit down. Put that down.\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 \u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Whenever I think about <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/parenting\">parenting<\/a>, I think of the above quote by Jerry Seinfeld from one of his HBO specials. Doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t it just speak to the truth about parenting and the dynamic between kids and parents? As a parent, it can often feel like we spend the entire day trying to wrangle our youthful and energetic counterparts. To do that, it is not uncommon to use words such as \u00e2\u20ac\u0153no,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d \u00e2\u20ac\u0153don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d and \u00e2\u20ac\u0153stop.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d But do you notice a common thread? The words and phrases we tend to fall back on are, at their core, negative. What parent wants to spend the whole day saying \u00e2\u20ac\u0153no\u00e2\u20ac\u009d to their child? What child wants to spend all day hearing \u00e2\u20ac\u0153no\u00e2\u20ac\u009d?<\/p>\n<p>[fat_widget_right]<\/p>\n<p>As parents, many of us want to encourage our <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/child-and-adolescent-issues\">children<\/a> to explore, grow, and learn, all while staying safe. In service of those goals, it is important to set boundaries and help guide our children to make healthy choices. While a quick \u00e2\u20ac\u0153no,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d \u00e2\u20ac\u0153don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or \u00e2\u20ac\u0153stop\u00e2\u20ac\u009d is often the fastest way to draw those boundaries and address unwanted behavior, it also may limit growth and can build <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/resentment\">resentment<\/a>, rebellion, and frustration (on both sides).<\/p>\n<p>So, if not \u00e2\u20ac\u0153no,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d then <em>what<\/em>?<\/p>\n<p><strong>1. Reframe the Boundary as a Positive Directive<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Saying \u00e2\u20ac\u0153no\u00e2\u20ac\u009d tells your child what not to do, but does it teach them what you want them to do instead? The answer is\u00e2\u20ac\u201dyou guessed it\u00e2\u20ac\u201dno. You want to both set the boundary and teach the behavior you want to see. Not only will it be a more positive interaction, but your child will know what you want from them in the future. Some examples:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Instead of saying,\u00c2\u00a0\u00e2\u20ac\u0153No running in the halls,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d say, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153We walk in the halls.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/li>\n<li>Instead of saying, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t bounce the ball inside,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d say, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153We bounce the ball outside.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/li>\n<li>Instead of saying, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No candy before dinner,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d say, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153We eat sweets after dinner.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><strong>2. Redirect Your Child<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Instead of getting into the \u00e2\u20ac\u0153no\u00e2\u20ac\u009d power struggle, simply redirect your child\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s attention to another, more appropriate activity.<\/p>\n<p><span class=\"popout-quote-left\" style=\"font-weight: bold; width: 30%; float: left;\">What your child sees you doing is likely to have a much greater impact than you telling them what not to do.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong>3. Model the Appropriate Behavior<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>As the saying goes, your actions speak louder than your words. What your child sees you doing is likely to have a much greater impact than you telling them what not to do. I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t tell you how many times I watch my toddler go to grab our dog\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s tail and want to yell out, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No, stop!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Instead, I take a moment to walk over and show her how to pet Cooper while saying, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Cooper likes to have his back pet gently.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Or, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153See how Mommy is petting Cooper?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d You can also model without directly calling attention to it. Remember, your child is always watching you and taking a cue for how to act. As another example, if you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want them to have their phone at the table, you should not have your phone at the table.<\/p>\n<p><strong>4. Give Choices<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Children like to feel in control of themselves and their surroundings, and hearing \u00e2\u20ac\u0153no\u00e2\u20ac\u009d can lead to frustration and sometimes power struggles. To help set boundaries but also give your child room for control, offer a choice. Instead of saying, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No throwing the ball in the house,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d try saying, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You can either roll the ball in the house or take it outside to throw it.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d This is a strategy I frequently use with my toddler. My daughter often likes to walk independently when we are out, but her walk often turns into a sprint and it can be quite dangerous. So, instead of saying, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No running,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I give her a choice to either walk and hold my hand or be carried. I give her the power of choice, and she is often content with the decision she gets to make.<\/p>\n<h2>Conclusion<\/h2>\n<p>Of course, it is impossible to refrain from negative directives altogether, and sometimes \u00e2\u20ac\u0153no\u00e2\u20ac\u009d is an important and necessary response to children. However, recognize that both you and your child are likely to feel better <em>and<\/em> your child will likely learn more if you use some of the strategies above.<\/p>\n<p>For more ideas to help you achieve desired behavioral outcomes with children, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/find-therapist.html\">contact a licensed therapist<\/a> who specializes in this area.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Reference:<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Callner, M. (1998). <em>Jerry Seinfeld: I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m telling you for the last time. <\/em>[TV Special]. USA: Home Box Office.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>While negative directives such as \u00e2\u20ac\u0153no,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d \u00e2\u20ac\u0153don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d and \u00e2\u20ac\u0153stop\u00e2\u20ac\u009d have their place, children and parents alike are better served by these four behavioral strategies.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3048,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542,623],"tags":[21,1041,51],"class_list":["post-36483","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","category-issues-treated","tag-child-and-adolescent-issues","tag-childrens-behavior","tag-healthy-parenting"],"acf":{"author_show":false,"author_name":"","author_role":"","author_avatar":null,"author_profile_url":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36483","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3048"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=36483"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36483\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=36483"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=36483"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=36483"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}