{"id":36385,"date":"2017-11-27T08:00:02","date_gmt":"2017-11-27T16:00:02","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=36385"},"modified":"2019-07-24T09:32:01","modified_gmt":"2019-07-24T16:32:01","slug":"help-my-husband-snores-terribly-and-refuses-to-do-anything-about-it","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/dear-gt\/help-my-husband-snores-terribly-refuses-to-do-anything-about-it","title":{"rendered":"Help! My Husband Snores Terribly and Refuses to Do Anything About It"},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear GoodTherapy.org,<\/span><\/p>\n

My husband and I have been married for 27 years. About 10 years ago, his snoring became intolerable, and they ran some tests and diagnosed<\/a> him with sleep apnea<\/a>. They told him he could stop breathing and die if he didn’t get a CPAP machine. He refuses to get one, though, because he doesn’t like the way they feel at night.<\/p>\n

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Because of his selfishness<\/a>, I’ve started sleeping in the den because I can’t sleep through the night if we’re in the same room. It’s so disturbing. He literally stops breathing for a minute or two at a time and then suddenly explodes with noise as all the air comes rushing back into his body. Our neighbors have told us they can hear it in the summer months, when their windows are open. Still, he won’t budge. He said if he dies, he dies.<\/p>\n

I miss sleeping with my husband, but even more than that, I miss feeling like he cares. I am so frustrated by his unwillingness to do what he needs to do. I don’t know what I can do if he’s going to be stubborn like this. What do you think? \u2014Wide Awake<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Wide Awake,<\/span><\/p>\n

No doubt when your husband continues to not do what you and\/ or the doctor have asked him to do, this can be extremely frustrating. I couldn’t help but notice you use the words \u201cunwilling,\u201d \u201cstubborn,\u201d and \u201cselfish\u201d to describe your husband. I also hear how distressed you feel because it seems like he doesn\u2019t care. I imagine there are probably multiple things going on. From your description, he won\u2019t deal with this health issue<\/a> because it is more uncomfortable for him to wear the CPAP mask than to do something that could potentially save his life and improve the quality of your<\/em> sleep (and, presumably, your relationship<\/a> satisfaction).<\/p>\n

In order to address your concerns, I want to disentangle these pieces a little. There are multiple things going on, and consequently different ways to approach solving this issue. First is the untreated sleep apnea and possible health-related consequences. This, unfortunately, is not an uncommon issue. Many who are prescribed a CPAP mask find it unpleasant and soon become noncompliant with wearing one, even despite stern warnings from their treating physician.<\/p>\n

Consult with the Medical Team<\/h2>\n

Does the treating physician know about your husband\u2019s noncompliance? What has the physician\u2019s response been? Perhaps the health care team can help increase his openness to giving this another try, as they likely see this issue regularly and may be able to directly intervene.<\/p>\n

I imagine your husband, at this point, knows very well that his snoring disturbs you (and the neighbors), but perhaps he does not fully realize you really miss sleeping in the same bed as him and feeling like he cares. Perhaps hearing this expressed explicitly may open up a new path for your conversations to take.<\/span><\/p>\n

Education can be a strong component\u2014for example, explaining exactly what his test results revealed (e.g., oxygen levels, prognosis if his sleep apnea is left untreated), or simply communicating to your husband that for many people with sleep apnea, it is normal to take time to adjust to the CPAP before it feels comfortable enough to not feel burdensome.<\/p>\n

That said, educational approaches may not be enough to change his mind. Additionally, if you feel the medical team is not empathetic to your struggles, you may want to speak with a different provider. Finally, have you explored other options for sleep apnea management? There may be other devices or procedures that may be able to help.<\/p>\n

The second issue to address is how his refusal is affecting you. It clearly impacts the quality of your sleep, both in terms of not being able to sleep through the night because of his loud snoring and because of the frustration you feel. It is also clear that physically relocating to get a restful night of sleep is not your ideal. And when he nonchalantly states, \u201cIf I die, I die,\u201d this seems to evoke a host of negative emotions in you, including hurt, sadness<\/a>, and perhaps rejection<\/a> and resentment<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Tell Him How You Feel<\/h2>\n

I imagine you have told your husband many times how you feel about his snoring. I imagine you have told him many times he should be using his CPAP. You\u2019ve surely reminded him what his doctor has to say on this topic. How have you communicated to him about your own experience with this issue? Have you told him about the emotional impact his words and actions (or lack thereof) have on you? If so, how<\/em> have you communicated this?<\/p>\n

The way we talk to others about the impact they have on us plays a large role in the success of this communication<\/a> effort. For example, consider how each of these statements might sound: Stating to your spouse, \u201cBecause of your selfishness, I can\u2019t sleep in my own bed,\u201d compared with something like, \u201cI feel frustrated because I feel like you haven\u2019t heard my concerns\u201d or \u201cI feel hurt because it feels like my concerns are dismissed.\u201d While all of these statements may be accurate, not all of them are likely to be heard the same way. I imagine your husband, at this point, knows very well that his snoring disturbs you (and the neighbors), but perhaps he does not fully realize you really miss sleeping in the same bed as him and feeling like he cares. Perhaps hearing this expressed explicitly may open up a new path for your conversations to take. Sometimes, taking a closer look at how we communicate key messages may uncover new approaches that ultimately yield a desired effect.<\/p>\n

Lastly, you may find that additional support via therapy<\/a>\u2014with or without your husband present\u2014may be useful to you to help manage frustration and continue to identify solutions. Good luck!<\/p>\n

Marni Amsellem, PhD<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Marni Amsellem, PhD responds to our latest reader-submitted Dear GoodTherapy.org question.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3017,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625,542],"tags":[1007,522,41,1008,397,1006],"class_list":["post-36385","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","category-featured-articles","tag-cpap","tag-dear-gt","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships","tag-sleep-apnea","tag-sleep-disorders","tag-snoring"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36385","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3017"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=36385"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36385\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=36385"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=36385"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=36385"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}