{"id":36231,"date":"2017-11-06T08:00:30","date_gmt":"2017-11-06T16:00:30","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=36231"},"modified":"2019-07-24T11:03:21","modified_gmt":"2019-07-24T18:03:21","slug":"it-needs-to-happen-but-the-idea-of-creating-a-will-makes-me-anxious","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/dear-gt\/it-needs-to-happen-but-idea-of-creating-a-will-makes-me-anxious","title":{"rendered":"It Needs to Happen, but the Idea of Creating a Will Makes Me Anxious"},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear GoodTherapy.org,<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve managed to get to age 66 without writing a will. The thought has always terrified me, but now it\u2019s more real than ever. As my kids start (gently) pressuring me to consider talking to a lawyer about finally drawing one up, I\u2019m feeling more and more anxious<\/a> about it.<\/p>\n

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Death doesn\u2019t really scare me so much, but having a document that my family will read when I die makes it terribly real. It brings up images in my head of them all going through it together and everything being so final. I know I\u2019m at an age where I can no longer ignore it or put it off, but I stubbornly want to never deal with it.<\/p>\n

Do you have any advice for someone who is anxious to tears about doing this? Or any thoughts about how to get through the process without falling apart?\u00a0\u2014Wills and Grace<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear WAG,<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m sorry to hear about your struggle. End-of-life matters are inherently unpleasant, but it sounds like your anxiety is running overtime and making those matters much worse. First and foremost, I recommend working with a therapist<\/a> who can help you better understand the nature and origin of your anxious feelings. That insight may yield opportunities to identify soothing and coping strategies that make it easier for you to follow through on the difficult task of developing a will.<\/p>\n

\u201cThy will be done\u201d\u2014sooner rather than later. And although you didn\u2019t ask, this applies to health proxies and powers of attorney as well. These are important legal documents designed to safeguard yourself and your family. See a lawyer, then write, sign, and file these papers, which are designed to make everyone\u2019s life easier, including your own. Tell your kids where they can find them. Give them copies.<\/p>\n

The original documents should be kept in a safe place. Safe place doesn\u2019t necessarily mean safe deposit box, because your kids will not be able to enter that box without your prior written permission. Arrange with the bank and one of your kids so they have permission to open the box; otherwise, they will need a court order. Give that kid their own key and let them all know where your bank is.<\/p>\n

In fact, organize your financial documents and tell your kids where they are. I keep mine in the upper left-hand drawer of my desk, and my kids know that. Let your kids know the names and contact information for your doctors, lawyers, and bank. Make a list of important information and give it to them. You will also need to ask someone to be your executor, the person in charge of carrying out your wishes.<\/p>\n

If it seems like I speak from experience, it\u2019s because I do. I have a will, and it divides my estate among family members and gives a little bit to the public library and some other places.<\/p>\n

I assume you have assets. If you become seriously ill, your kids may need these assets to help pay for your medical care. Make it easy for them in both your life and your death, which, you write, \u201cdoesn\u2019t scare you.\u201d Just thinking about it does! Yes, this all makes the prospect of your death terribly real. Death is terribly real for everybody; unfortunately, ignoring it doesn\u2019t prevent it.<\/p>\n

You worry about \u201cfalling apart\u201d while getting this all together. I\u2019m not sure what you mean by that, but I do know that by 66 you\u2019ve done a lot of hard things, probably fell apart doing some of them, and then put yourself back together. Here\u2019s your chance to do that again.<\/span><\/p>\n

You write that you \u201cstubbornly\u201d don\u2019t want to deal with your eventual death, but it\u2019s your kids who will have to deal with it. Your kids will be dealing with their sorrow and maybe also their frustration with your unwillingness to prepare for their future without you. You sound like you love them, and I\u2019m guessing if you\u2019re 66 they may be in their 30s or 40s, which means you\u2019ve seen them through many difficulties and perhaps crises of their own. Here\u2019s your last chance\u2014literally the last\u2014to take care of your kids. Do it for your kids, if not for yourself.<\/p>\n

You\u2019re concerned about your family reading your will, but you don\u2019t say what it is that concerns you. Yes, it is sad<\/a> to think of your kids reading your final wishes and reacting to your death. It\u2019s even worse thinking of them having to sort out your finances while they are in states of grief<\/a>. They\u2019ll be grieving if you don\u2019t have a will or if you do have one, but I imagine they\u2019ll feel worse if you haven\u2019t prepared them for how you want things to go when you die. They have been asking you, after all. They\u2019re concerned. Would they be angry with you if you don\u2019t have a will?<\/p>\n

You worry about \u201cfalling apart\u201d while getting this all together. I\u2019m not sure what you mean by that, but I do know that by 66 you\u2019ve done a lot of hard things, probably fell apart doing some of them, and then put yourself back together. Here\u2019s your chance to do that again. You might ask a trusted friend or relative if they can help, or you might consult a therapist along the way. Aging gives us many things to worry<\/a> about; death may be the least of them.<\/p>\n

It is very painful to imagine yourself separated from the people you love. You won\u2019t know what happens next in their stories, and that is sad. I personally would love to meet my great grandchildren and their children, too, or at least see into the future and know their biographies. Our children\u2019s lives will go on without us, as they should. But as their lives proceed, the part we played continues to live on within them. Keep those memories clear, lead the way forward, and show them a positive model of aging<\/a> and death.<\/p>\n

I wish you well as you navigate this struggle.<\/p>\n

Kind regards,<\/p>\n

Lynn Somerstein, PhD, E-RYT<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Lynn Somerstein, PhD, E-RYT, responds to our latest reader-submitted Dear GoodTherapy.org question.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":526,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625,542],"tags":[242,981,522,770,980,393],"class_list":["post-36231","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","category-featured-articles","tag-aging-geriatric-issues","tag-creating-a-will","tag-dear-gt","tag-death","tag-end-of-life-issues","tag-family-problems"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36231","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/526"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=36231"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36231\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=36231"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=36231"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=36231"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}