{"id":36092,"date":"2017-10-27T08:00:37","date_gmt":"2017-10-27T15:00:37","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=36092"},"modified":"2019-07-24T11:03:51","modified_gmt":"2019-07-24T18:03:51","slug":"help-im-having-second-thoughts-about-quitting-my-job","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/dear-gt\/help-im-having-second-thoughts-about-quitting-my-job","title":{"rendered":"Help! I’m Having Second Thoughts About Quitting My Job"},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear GoodTherapy.org,<\/span><\/p>\n

I left my job about two months ago, run-down and on the brink of something drastic because of how miserable I was. It was an extremely high-stress<\/a> job in finance, and I was very good at it despite the long hours and the lack of creativity<\/a> it took to do the job. Quitting it was a huge risk\u2014I had savings, but no real prospects on the other side. I just wanted some peace after a decade of work<\/a> that was at once mind-numbing and incredibly taxing.<\/p>\n

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Since I left I\u2019ve been making ends meet with some odd jobs, but after two months the thought is starting to creep in that I made a huge mistake. Life hasn\u2019t been as fulfilling as I dreamed it would be, and though I have time and freedom now to explore hobbies I\u2019ve wanted to take up and complete some lingering house projects, I seem to be \u2026 still stuck, somehow.<\/p>\n

Maybe I had too many expectations for quitting? Did I build it up too much in my head? The company I just left has an opening, and part of me wants to return. My best friends are there, but I dread every other aspect of being employed there again. At the time, I thought quitting was the best decision I ever made and I vowed never to go back. Should I listen to my nagging regrets<\/a>? Try harder to make a new life for myself? Or opt for stability and doing what I know? \u2014Wealth or Worry<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear WOW,<\/span><\/p>\n

Thank you for your letter. As is so often the case (sayeth the psychotherapist), it raises more questions than answers. But first, let me make an observation or two.<\/p>\n

We are often confused by the question of, \u201cIs it the external circumstances that are the problem here, or is it me?\u201d Typically, it is both. In fact, part of the problem can be seeing it as strictly either\/or. Some of us grew up in misattuned environments, for instance, where we were always <\/em>the problem. Some people in therapy<\/a> also struggle because \u201cthey\u201d\/\u201chim\u201d\/\u201cher\u201d is at fault.<\/p>\n

There are always exceptions, but most of the time an external situation\u2014especially a stressful one\u2014is a catalyst for some psychological or emotional conflict we are sorting through. We cannot avoid seeing everything through our own \u201cglasses\u201d or filters. And everyone has ongoing, unsorted conflicts; there is no normal in this regard, as each person\u2019s psychic conflict is highly individualized.<\/p>\n

It sounds here as if the job was undoubtedly stressful, and no one can fault you for being a \u201cquitter\u201d since you hung in for a decade! One of our most basic needs is precisely what you stated\u2014peace. I can confirm that the financial industry is anything but peaceful, what with the advent of ever-faster technological tools which seem to increase impatience from management and demand on workers. It is inherently a nerve-wracking business since it involves money, <\/em>which touches on widespread fears and needs for security, leading to ongoing, socio-cultural anxiety<\/a> and neurosis.<\/p>\n

So the pressure was on, and from the sound of it, you prospered. That is no small feat. Clearly, you have marketable skills and can perform under pressure, to your credit, with a solid r\u00e9sum\u00e9 that speaks to a decade of experience in a stressful environment.<\/p>\n

Yet, in spite of your palpable relief at leaving, something lingers: self-doubt<\/a>, a creeping sense of \u201cwhat if I goofed?\u201d This, to me, is probably the most emotionally significant part of your story.<\/p>\n

Stability is, at least in part, an inside job. I have worked with quite a few wealthy individuals in therapy who were terribly unhappy. (I am not saying being able to pay bills and rent is insignificant.) In this case, though, it sounds like you have sufficient funds for now and can \u201cmake ends meet.\u201d So rather than focus on the externals (the job opening, the company) or looking in the rearview mirror (\u201cdid I screw up by quitting?\u201d), I would suggest you take time for sustained, empathic self-reflection.<\/p>\n

Have you considered speaking with a therapist<\/a>, career counselor, or another professional who has experience helping folks with precisely these concerns? Something new awaits\u2014something good, I am sensing\u2014but it\u2019s hard to know which door to open, or where the door can even be found. This, in turn, stokes fear<\/a>.<\/p>\n

I strongly sense there is also a sense of conflict within yourself that wants security and certainty and <\/em>peace or serenity, a sense of wholeness within the kind of work that truly, in the long run, is right for you. This is a tricky balance, one that requires more work and exploring on your part, but I am sure it is possible. You might not find perfection, but I am certain you can get inside the ballpark.<\/p>\n

Renowned psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott<\/a> would call this yearning for peace as coming from your \u201ctrue self,\u201d while mythologist and Jungian author Joseph Campbell might call this process the beginning of your \u201chero\u2019s journey,\u201d or journey to authentic selfhood.<\/p>\n

Campbell stated that the hero most often refused <\/em>the \u201ccall to adventure\u201d at first, deciding to take that journey only when backed into a corner. Carl Jung<\/a> himself felt it is only when cornered, or up against a wall, that our conscious mind surrenders to deeper, creative forces seeking actualization, carrying us forward like the currents of a river.<\/p>\n

Or, as an old Zen parable puts it, we are the train on the tracks, but we cannot be the tracks.<\/p>\n

I sense, in other words, that you need to give the quieter \u201cother side\u201d\u2014which wants peace or something different, which nagged you to quit the job\u2014a little space and patience to speak up. (Journaling<\/a> can help in this regard, or talking to a professional or a trusted friend.) There is always existential anxiety at giving up a path of certainty\u2014the financial job, where you know <\/em>you can succeed and make a good living\u2014for the blank canvas of what next. <\/em>But that is precisely the adventure! In a way, we need that anxiety to keep our search in motion. And it is trial and error; don\u2019t give up if the answer doesn\u2019t appear right away. It will, though answers come in bits and pieces. Dramatic \u201caha!\u201d moments are, for the most part, best left for movies and television.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m guessing your courageous<\/a> decision, which was a bold and necessary step to protect your sanity and serenity, has provoked deep-rooted voices\u2014parental, perhaps?\u2014that are saying things like, \u201cAre you crazy? That job paid $_____ a year! Now what are you going to do? Watch daytime TV?\u201d<\/p>\n

That is the voice of fear. Fear tends to lead to black-and-white perception, where you are either secure or screwed.<\/p>\n

But you have marketable skills, as I say. From a more neutral vantage point, I would guess you have options. By calming your fear and finding outlets for existential self-soothing, you might start to see that you could, for instance, work part-time for a company or even for yourself. And you are<\/em> making ends meet, which might be good enough for now until you find something that resonates.<\/p>\n

It can be overwhelming when what we are looking for hasn\u2019t been found or doesn\u2019t seem to exist (yet). This doesn\u2019t mean it isn\u2019t there. It just means you may need a little time and support to do something naturally difficult but, it sounds like, essential.<\/span><\/p>\n

Have you considered working for yourself? Many folks are overwhelmed and confused by money matters<\/a> (my hand is raised); could you do some independent advising or work for a smaller or less daunting firm, even part-time? Sometimes companies hire people for short-term projects, via a recruiter for instance. During that time, you could explore other options: volunteering, taking informational interviews, and so forth.<\/p>\n

Corny as it sounds, this is a prime opportunity for you to stretch your wings. Daydream a little. Is there anything you\u2019ve always wanted to try, or even go back to school to study? Is this the time to go to grad school in the evening for your philosophy degree or take a creative writing or guitar class? There is more to life than work, and we are not defined by work alone; for many, it is the least defining point of identity<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Try browsing online job sites, A to Z, and see if anything jumps out at you, something you never even thought of. Maybe you yearn to do some socially or environmentally conscious work (as a random example); could you end up as an investment adviser for a nonprofit? Could you do some combination of corporate and <\/em>nonprofit work? Do you want to chuck finance altogether and teach English in Asia or Europe, or find a finance job in an international firm and live abroad?<\/p>\n

It is possible you could write your own job description and follow it up with persistent footwork to make it happen. It sounds like you have a rare combination of gifts: a financial talent along with integrity and a need for something more personally fulfilling. You have a soul, <\/em>and it is speaking to you. The soul\u2014or the unconscious, or true self<\/a>\u2014does not always speak in digestible sound bites, which means we <\/em>need to find ways to listen deeply to that quiet inner voice which is telling us something vital.<\/p>\n

I have worked with people in your situation, and they have prevailed by not giving up. One was an attorney at a movie studio, and he was miserable. He was on-call 24\/7, and despite working on prestigious projects, he felt depleted and beat up, with no time or energy to find a partner or start a family. Eventually he decided to get training in estate law, and now runs a quiet little business with a partner, with weekdays that end at 5 p.m.<\/p>\n

It can be overwhelming when what we are looking for hasn\u2019t been found or doesn\u2019t seem to exist (yet). This doesn\u2019t mean it isn\u2019t there. It just means you may need a little time and support to do something naturally difficult but, it sounds like, essential. I would just remind you that you have options, per the above.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s natural to experience awkwardness after a decade of living a certain way and then stopping. You are carving out a new way of living, day by day. Give yourself credit for doing something brave. You can always go back\u2014to your previous job, or others like it\u2014though I can\u2019t help but conclude that, on a soulful level, you truly don\u2019t want to. So, keep the search going and I am sure the answers will come.<\/p>\n

Thanks again for writing!<\/p>\n

Kind regards,<\/p>\n

Darren Haber, PsyD, MFT<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Darren Haber, PsyD, MFT responds to our latest reader-submitted Dear GoodTherapy.org question.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1061,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625,542],"tags":[401,522,653,586,416,424],"class_list":["post-36092","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","category-featured-articles","tag-career-counseling","tag-dear-gt","tag-job-burnout","tag-money-issues","tag-self-doubt","tag-workplace-issues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36092","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1061"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=36092"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36092\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=36092"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=36092"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=36092"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}