{"id":35856,"date":"2017-09-27T08:00:33","date_gmt":"2017-09-27T15:00:33","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=35856"},"modified":"2017-09-26T17:16:04","modified_gmt":"2017-09-27T00:16:04","slug":"learning-to-suffer-how-avoiding-your-suffering-can-make-it-worse","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/learning-to-suffer-how-avoiding-your-suffering-can-make-it-worse-0927175","title":{"rendered":"Learning to Suffer: How Avoiding Your Suffering Can Make It Worse"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"PersonI do not like to suffer, and I do not like for others to suffer. I avoid unnecessary suffering as much as possible, and as a therapist I try to help people to see and stop the unintentional, accidental things they do that add unnecessary suffering to their life. To me, that is one of the most realistic benefits of therapy<\/a>, and I am always happy when I can help with that.<\/p>\n

If I\u2019m honest, though, when I first approached training to be a therapist I was possessed by the fantasy that therapy could create a suffering-free and, if I stay honest, perfected<\/em> life. I remember reading a quote by Sigmund Freud<\/a> in which he said the goal of analysis was to help the person overcome \u201cneurotic misery\u201d so they can deal with \u201cnormal human unhappiness,\u201d and I wondered, \u201cWhy is Freud so pessimistic?\u201d I had the fantasy that therapy could make us somehow super-human, able to transcend \u201cnormal human unhappiness\u201d\u2014the aches, pains, and anxieties that come with living. Over time, I have come to see that (1) I was somewhat deluded, and (2) I am not the only one who suffers under that fantasy.<\/p>\n

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In fact, many of us long to transcend our humanity, to somehow outsmart or shortcut the painful stuff that is built into life\u2014the loss of loved ones through their death or ours, the breakdown of our bodies, the inevitability of failure, pain, loss, and frustration, the impossibility of endless perfection or bliss, etc. Those things sound terrible, so no wonder we long to somehow avoid them. However, when we start asking ourselves, others (e.g., our therapists), and life to somehow grant us the power to not suffer the realities of human life that we all face, we are in pursuit of an impossible and potentially self-destructive goal.<\/p>\n

When we refuse to suffer, we refuse life on life\u2019s terms, imperiling our relationship with the realities around us. What are the consequences of trying to actualize the fantasy that we are somehow bigger than suffering, or that we can somehow not<\/em> suffer in a perfect life? Is some suffering possible to overcome or do we have to accept all the suffering in our lives? What suffering is necessary and unavoidable, and what kind of suffering is not? What happens to our therapy when we give ourselves and our therapists the magic task of making life into something it\u2019s not\u2014perfect and comfortable? We can explore some of these questions here.<\/p>\n

Ways We Refuse to Suffer<\/h2>\n

If some suffering is simply built into life, what are the ways we try to avoid suffering? There are many, but most are based in the psychological defense mechanism<\/a> known as denial<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Remember the now-famous meme of the cartoon dog, sipping coffee as the room is burning around him, saying, \u201cThis is fine!\u201d? The dog\u2019s reaction is profoundly human, and perhaps that\u2019s why it\u2019s so funny to us. We, too, have the ability to un-see the painful or anxiety-provoking things we see, to un-feel those bad feelings, and to undo our reality through denial. Under the influence of denial, our house may still burn down, but we will not experience (read: suffer) the emotional impact of it.<\/p>\n

Denial can take many forms in our efforts to refuse suffering: We can deny our love of someone so we won\u2019t suffer the pain of their loss. We can deny our feelings are important so we will not suffer pain when we are cruel to ourselves or treated cruelly by others. We can deny the humanity of others so we will not suffer guilt when we harm them. We can even deny that life is real in an effort to not suffer the aches and pains that come with living.<\/p>\n

As a species, we are highly capable of denial, and we often do it unintentionally and automatically. But what price do we pay for this way of (not) dealing with reality?<\/p>\n

Costs of Refusing to Suffer<\/h2>\n

What happens when we deny our feelings and our reality and refuse to suffer? We certainly experience a temporary no-feeling state that can be blissful, or even a kind of excited feeling of perfection, and that can be comforting or even addictive<\/a>. We can go on in denial for a long time.<\/p>\n

But like the dog in the meme, the house keeps burning around us no matter how long we deny it. Denial of loss and refusal to suffer the grief of loss<\/a> does not make the loss any less true or real. Denial of our pain and refusal to suffer it will not take the damage caused by a cruel tormenter away; it will make us perfect victims. Denial that our lives are real and important, and refusal to bear the feelings that come with reality, leaves us in an aimless state, unable to connect to our desires and pursue things we might want.<\/p>\n

Good therapy can help us learn to suffer and learn from the unavoidable pains of life, and help us see and stop our tendencies to add extra, unnecessary suffering to life. However, the process of learning about ourselves, our feelings, and our lives can be painful in and of itself, as can the process of change.<\/span><\/p>\n

Fundamentally, refusal to suffer makes it impossible for us to learn from our experiences: If I never experience the pain of my hand being burned by the stove, how can I learn not to do it again? If I never feel the stinging pain of someone hurting me, how can I realize the importance of setting a protective boundary with them? If I deny the pain I cause myself through self-attacking thoughts or self-harm, how can I develop the compassion<\/a> and concern for myself that I will need in order to stop?<\/p>\n

If we refuse to suffer the feelings that come with life, we may not fully learn about ourselves, the people around us, and our environment. Without opening up to the experience of all our feelings, we will never learn the \u201crules\u201d of reality, the limitations of being human, the costs and benefits of our behaviors, and as a result we will fail to adapt. We will be in a chronic state of \u201csurprise\u201d when we keep doing things the same way, not experiencing and learning from the consequences of our actions, and then keep getting the same result.<\/p>\n

If we refuse to suffer, we will fail to learn from the experiences that create our suffering. We can further wonder: if we refuse to bear the pains that come with life, can we truly be available to experience the joys? What happens to our lives if we don\u2019t learn from our joyous experiences either?<\/p>\n

Is Suffering Inevitable?<\/h2>\n

Some suffering in life cannot be avoided. The emotional suffering attached to everything\u2014from accidentally stubbing one\u2019s toe to saying goodbye to our loved ones and to life at the moment of our deaths\u2014is a built-in part of the human program. We can avoid our feelings about these experiences through denial, but they happen to us no matter what.<\/p>\n

But not all suffering is so inevitable. In life, we can create additional suffering beyond what is simply required. Paradoxically, one of the major ways we add unnecessary<\/em> suffering to our lives is through the ways we try to avoid the necessary<\/em> suffering. Here\u2019s how:<\/p>\n