{"id":35714,"date":"2017-09-18T06:00:11","date_gmt":"2017-09-18T13:00:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=35714"},"modified":"2024-05-09T13:36:48","modified_gmt":"2024-05-09T17:36:48","slug":"why-does-my-therapist-wait-for-me-to-start-the-session","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/why-does-my-therapist-wait-for-me-to-start-session-0918174","title":{"rendered":"Why Does My Therapist Wait for Me to Start the Session?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"GoodTherapyEvery part of therapy can be informative. The moment you enter the room is no exception.<\/p>\n

Different therapists have different styles, but in psychodynamic work<\/a> there\u2019s usually space left for you to start the session. What you do with that time is important. How you feel about that time is even more so.<\/p>\n

This Is Not a Test<\/h2>\n

If your therapist doesn\u2019t say anything when you enter the room\u2014and I mean not even a \u201chi\u201d or a \u201chow are you?\u201d\u2014it doesn\u2019t necessarily mean they\u2019re being rude. It\u2019s not a test, and it\u2019s not meant to make you feel a certain way.<\/p>\n

Believe it or not, the space is there so the therapist has less influence over the session. We don\u2019t want to focus on what we<\/em> think is important or, even subtly, walk over a feeling or thought you<\/em> are having. Therapy time is your<\/em> time.<\/p>\n

\n\t

Find a Therapist<\/a><\/h2>\n\t
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Do you want to pick up from last session?<\/p>\n

Do you want to talk about that incident with your brother-in-law over the weekend?<\/p>\n

Do you want to discuss what happened with the guy who sold you a coffee just before you arrived at my office?<\/p>\n

It\u2019s up to you. Entirely.<\/p>\n

Sure, we may hope to hear about how that discussion went with your partner, the one we\u2019ve spent months gearing up for\u2014but we may not ask about it. Perhaps you\u2019ve moved on. Maybe you didn\u2019t have the discussion and our asking about it might make you feel like you should <\/em>have had it\u2014in which case the therapy becomes about whether you\u2019re doing what you\u2019re \u201csupposed\u201d to do (and suddenly we\u2019re replicating a relationship with your dad that you\u2019ve been struggling with).<\/p>\n

The only real exception I make is if you\u2019ve talked about an ill or dying loved one. I\u2019ll probably ask about that (but maybe I shouldn\u2019t!).<\/p>\n

How Do You Use the Time?<\/h2>\n

Often, people say they don\u2019t know what to talk about. Not because they don\u2019t know what they want<\/em> to talk about, but because they don\u2019t know how to start.<\/p>\n

In those early silences, when you\u2019re struggling with starting the session, it\u2019s good to become aware of the feelings that are filling that silence. <\/span><\/p>\n

Many people who come to therapy, particularly those who often put others first, have a difficult time just jumping in and talking about themselves. A giveaway for this is when a person immediately asks about my<\/em> week. They may tell me they\u2019re doing so because it\u2019s polite and they\u2019re making small talk, but therapy is fully about you<\/em>. You\u2019re paying me and you want to know how my<\/em> week was? It\u2019s a nice thing to do, but didn\u2019t you say in our first session you want to be more assertive? That people take advantage of you? Well, guess what\u2014that\u2019s what we\u2019re working on by talking about what\u2019s happening between you and me.<\/p>\n

Pay Attention to the Feeling in Those First Few Moments<\/h2>\n

In those early silences, when you\u2019re struggling with starting the session, it\u2019s good to become aware of the feelings that are filling that silence. This can help us understand your (perhaps) social anxiety<\/a>, your reluctance to speak up in a class or group, your tendency to \u201clive in your head\u201d and intellectualize everything.<\/p>\n

Awareness of the shyness, nervousness, anger<\/a>, worry<\/a>, or whatever else is in the silence can inform all those other times outside the therapy room when you don\u2019t jump in and say what you want to say. Once you\u2019re aware of the feeling, we can explore it to stop it from getting in the way of your action (or inaction).<\/p>\n

Conclusion<\/h2>\n

Your therapist probably isn\u2019t trying to be a jerk by not starting the session for you. We\u2019re aware of how difficult it can be. To that end, we may, after a time, ask a starter question along the lines of, \u201cWhat\u2019s it like to be back here today?\u201d<\/p>\n

Sometimes we\u2019ll process the silence or the \u201chow are you?\u201d and sometimes we\u2019ll just see where you take the conversation. The major point I\u2019d like you to take away from this is to talk about what\u2019s going on for you in relation to the therapist.<\/p>\n

Tell your therapist how awkward it is and how much you wish they\u2019d just start for you. How angry you are because your therapist should be the one to direct the session; you\u2019re paying them for their expertise, after all! Or how overwhelmed you are because of all that\u2019s happening and you just can\u2019t prioritize and need help doing so.<\/p>\n

Or, just maybe, you feel you have nothing to say<\/a>. Well, say that then. We\u2019re here to guide you, but also to do all we can to not influence you.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

If your therapist is silent when you enter the room, they’re not trying to be rude. By letting you speak first, they exert as little influence as possible.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2883,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542,628],"tags":[644],"class_list":["post-35714","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","category-general","tag-therapeutic-relationship"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35714","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2883"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=35714"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35714\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=35714"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=35714"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=35714"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}