{"id":35583,"date":"2017-09-05T06:00:49","date_gmt":"2017-09-05T13:00:49","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=35583"},"modified":"2017-09-05T10:46:11","modified_gmt":"2017-09-05T17:46:11","slug":"love-and-connection-how-trauma-can-bring-us-closer-together","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/love-connection-how-trauma-can-bring-us-closer-together-0905174","title":{"rendered":"Love and Connection: How Trauma Can Bring Us Closer Together"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Group\u201cIt is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being.\u201d\u00a0<\/em>\u2014John Joseph Powell, The Secret of Staying in Love<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cInvisible threads are the strongest ties.\u201d<\/em> \u2014Friedrich Nietzsche<\/p>\n

There\u2019s a lot more to trauma<\/a> than meets the eye\u2014or the general public\u2019s awareness\u2014and it\u2019s deeply related to love<\/a> and connection.<\/p>\n

When many people think of trauma, they tend to think about shock trauma<\/em>: a single, overwhelming incident that\u2019s larger than our ability to cope. Examples include natural disasters, motor vehicle accidents, sexual assault<\/a>, animal attacks, and war.<\/p>\n

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On the other hand, developmental trauma<\/em> comes from something that happens improperly during childhood. It is often subtle and may happen over a long period of time. It involves not receiving the necessary supports for the young nervous system to mature and develop in the way it needs to. Some of these supports are material, of course, but many are relational: having to do with the overall quality and nuances of important relationships<\/a>, especially with parents.<\/p>\n

You can think of it like incorrect or missing ingredients in a recipe: The cake is baked, but it hasn\u2019t risen all the way. Of course, a cake is pretty much finished after it comes out of the oven. The good news for us is, unlike the cake, our nervous system is always <\/em>primed and waiting to recover what it needs. Thanks to neuroplasticity<\/a>, our growth and development are lifelong.<\/p>\n

In developmental trauma, the biggest and most common missing \u201cingredient,\u201d by far, is that of deeply and consistently feeling love and connection. I\u2019m not talking about watching your parents behave toward you in a responsible and self-sacrificing manner and then deducing they must love you. No, I\u2019m talking about feeling it deep in your bones that you are loved\u2014indeed, treasured. This bodily felt sense allows us to sink into a sense of safety and well-being. It is truly traumatic to not receive this basic ingredient; we need it to develop and maintain a stable sense of ourselves and of safety.<\/p>\n

With love being so basic, how is it so many of us end up without enough of it?<\/p>\n

It\u2019s been my experience that:<\/p>\n