{"id":35506,"date":"2017-08-22T08:00:39","date_gmt":"2017-08-22T15:00:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=35506"},"modified":"2017-08-22T09:53:42","modified_gmt":"2017-08-22T16:53:42","slug":"talking-in-circles-get-communication-back-on-track-during-a-fight","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/talking-in-circles-get-communication-back-on-track-during-fight-0822175","title":{"rendered":"Talking in Circles? Get Communication Back on Track During a Fight"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Sepia-tonedConflict is an inevitable part of relationships<\/a>. No two people see everything the same way, have carbon copy preferences, share identical temperaments, care equally about things, express their wants and needs in the same ways, or handle their fears<\/a> and disappointments alike.<\/p>\n

Add to these differences the fact that each individual in the relationship wants to be important and feel special, and it becomes clearer why clashes are likely to occur in even the best relationships.<\/p>\n

The following fictional scene can help illustrate how conflict develops and plays out in a relationship:<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I thought you said you were just going to Ralph’s to buy a chicken for dinner,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jason said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been gone for two hours.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/em><\/p>\n

The game blared in the background, and the dishes were still stacked in the sink. The kids were in the other room arguing over something. The colorful grocery bags sat on the kitchen counter where she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d plopped them.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Oh, please,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Beth said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m 15 minutes late. You could help out instead of being a couch potato.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/em><\/p>\n

Jason rifled through the bags. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t see my ice cream. You knew it would melt\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6wherever, whoever, you stopped on the way home to see,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he snarked.<\/em><\/p>\n

Beth braced herself. This was always how the fights began. The kids were hungry and getting louder. She\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d asked him not to do this with them around. Her heart pounded in her ears. Her mouth was dry. Dinner would be late, and he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d eat in front of the TV again.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I had to go to the bank and pick up the dry cleaning.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d She turned her back to him and pulled produce out of the bags. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Stop being so insecure!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be if you didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t give me good reason,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Jason said.\u00c2\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Kyle ran into the kitchen wiping his tears on a dirty T-shirt. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153She took my turn!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he wailed, then threw himself on the floor sobbing.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even leave them with you for an hour.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Beth shook her head and sat down on the tile floor next to their son.<\/em><\/p>\n

Jason rolled his eyes. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153This is hopeless,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even care.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/em><\/p>\n

Tips to Minimize Relationship Conflict<\/h2>\n

Though conflict is inevitable, it does not have to be insurmountable.\u00c2\u00a0Here are 10 simple tricks to help minimize conflict in your relationship.<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Keep your responses short.<\/strong> Long replies can sound confrontational, and they invite long retorts. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I can see you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re upset,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d is a better response than a long dissertation intended to calm your partner down and may be a better starting place for you both to develop a different perspective.<\/li>\n
  2. Remember boundaries<\/a> are something you set for yourself.<\/strong> \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Setting boundaries\u00e2\u20ac\u009d for your partner is manipulative and an indirect attempt at control. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s okay to say what you<\/em> can be counted on to do, or not to do, under specific circumstances, but don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t try to control your partner. You might say, for example, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153If I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m worried about you, you can count on me to text you and ask if you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re okay.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/li>\n
  3. Realize any accusation is a little bit true.<\/strong> This is a hard one, but keeping this in mind can be an effective tool. Realizing accusations typically have some truth to them is one of the best ways to avoid becoming defensive and continuing an argument. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yes, I do leave my clothes on the floor once in a while,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d will deescalate a fight faster than \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not true! I never<\/em> leave anything on the floor!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/li>\n
  4. Ask for what you do<\/em> want, not for what you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t.<\/em><\/strong> It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s impossible to get the absence of something. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s much easier for your partner to give you something you do<\/em> want. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d really like to talk about this when we take our walk,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d is better and more specific than \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don’t want to talk about this in front of the kids.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/li>\n
  5. Stay on topic.<\/strong> Sometimes it may be hard to figure out what the topic really is, but do the best you can. If you stick with your primary complaint and don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t stray into unrelated issues, your chances of resolution are much better. Redirecting the conversation back to the original topic can take practice. Remember to do it with kindness<\/a>, not agitation. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I think you were upset about me not sending back that RSVP card. Let\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s figure out a solution for that now, and we can discuss my anxiety about being with your family later.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/li>\n
  6. Develop a vocabulary for feelings.<\/strong> A story with a lot of facts is not <\/em>a great way to get your partner to understand how you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re feeling. Sometimes the people who have the most words in an argument have the most impoverished vocabularies for their emotions<\/a>. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I feel like you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not listening,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d is not <\/em>a feeling statement. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s an accusation. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I feel bad\u00e2\u20ac\u009d is not a very clear description of your internal state. Print out a list of feelings from the internet and refer to it often. Build a vocabulary of emotions. Sad, lonely, frustrated, annoyed, ambivalent, agitated, relieved, disregarded, embarrassed, scared, worried, etc. are\u00c2\u00a0good words to convey emotions.<\/li>\n
  7. Switch perspectives.<\/strong> Putting words to what your partner doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think you understand can be a very powerful way to express compassion<\/a> and lower the chances of conflict. Rather than explaining your side over and over, instead try saying something like, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It seems like you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think I understand how overwhelmed you feel. It seems like you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think I understand how frustrated you are with me. It seems like you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t believe I understand how hard you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been trying.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d (Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t say, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I understand how hard you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been trying, but\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s talking about yourself. Saying what you<\/em> understand, followed by \u00e2\u20ac\u0153but\u00e2\u20ac\u009d effectively disqualifies any compassion you might have shown.)<\/li>\n
  8. Avoid speaking with contempt.<\/strong> This is one of the most damaging forms of communication<\/a> in a relationship. Dr. John Gottman\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s<\/a> research\u00c2\u00a0points out contempt is one of the best predictors of divorce. Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t resort to character assassination (i.e., \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re just a loser,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re just like your mother,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re an embarrassment.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d)<\/li>\n
  9. Writing is as good as talking.<\/strong> Not everyone is able to articulate clearly in a fast-paced discussion. Some people need time to think and gather their thoughts. Texting, e-mailing, messaging, or writing notes are valid ways of continuing a difficult conversation. If you need to pause an argument, let your partner know when you will get back to them. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t continue this right now. I promise I will text you my thoughts after dinner.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/li>\n
  10. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt.<\/strong> If you mess up, forgive yourself. Remember that every day you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re doing the best you can figure out how to do. Keep your internal dialogue kind and positive. We can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t give away anything we don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t already have. You won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be able to say nice, respectful things to your partner if you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not first saying them to yourself.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Beth sat in the bathroom. The quiet helped her put words to her thoughts. The locked door gave her a sense of seclusion. She revised the text one more time.<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It seems like you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think I understand how frustrated you are when I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m a little late. I sometimes feel scared, too, when we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not as close as I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d like, and I know the kids can be exhausting. We\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll get through this stressful time. It’s not forever. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d like it if you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d call or text when you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re worried about me. I promise I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll respond right away. Please let me know if there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s anything else you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think I understand about how you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re feeling. I love you!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/em><\/p>\n

    She pressed “send.”<\/em><\/p>\n

    References:\u00c2\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

      \n
    1. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2004). The seven principles for making marriage work<\/em>. New York: Harmony Books.<\/li>\n
    2. Feelings inventory. (2005). Center for Nonviolent Communication. Retrieved from\u00c2\u00a0https:\/\/www.cnvc.org\/sites\/default\/files\/feelings_inventory_0.pdf<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

      Communication issues and conflict will likely occur on occasion, even in the closest relationships. These 10 strategies can help you overcome these challenges.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":168,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542,623],"tags":[105,171,41],"class_list":["post-35506","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","category-issues-treated","tag-communication","tag-conflict","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships"],"acf":{"author_show":false,"author_name":"","author_role":"","author_avatar":null,"author_profile_url":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35506","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/168"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=35506"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35506\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=35506"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=35506"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=35506"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}