{"id":35489,"date":"2017-08-21T06:00:16","date_gmt":"2017-08-21T13:00:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=35489"},"modified":"2018-06-08T09:39:07","modified_gmt":"2018-06-08T16:39:07","slug":"emotional-regulation-and-children-part-ii-boundaries-and-tantrums","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/emotional-regulation-children-part-ii-boundaries-tantrums-0821174","title":{"rendered":"Emotional Regulation and Children, Part 2: Boundaries and Tantrums"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"VeryConsidering the outpouring of support and positive feedback I\u2019ve received since my last article, \u201cEmotional Regulation and Children: Tips for Caregivers,\u201d I thought I would continue with a theme of parental support and tips. My job, as a child and family therapist<\/a>, is to offer support and assistance to parents as they learn to manage their emotions<\/a> and responses to children while also helping them teach their children how to self-regulate.<\/p>\n

The Importance of Boundaries<\/h2>\n

One of the most important aspects of helping children, adolescents<\/a>, and even adults manage their own emotions is helping them understand boundaries<\/a> and their importance. Boundaries are a touchy subject for a lot of people. When talking about boundaries in sessions, I often hear the assumption that boundaries mean hard rules, \u201cmean\u201d rules, or that they are designed to create distance between two or more people.<\/p>\n

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But the wonderful thing about boundaries is, while there are indeed some general principles for them, the ways we utilize them are individual and unique to each situation and\/or the people involved. An even more wonderful thing about boundaries? They\u2019re easy to use and implement, even with young children. That being said, let\u2019s explore a few techniques that are useful for handling common parenting<\/a> difficulties while simultaneously supporting little children and their big emotions.<\/p>\n

Everyone likes some degree of control<\/a>, even children. As children learn to navigate the world, figure out their role in life, and learn just what they have power over, they\u2019re going to want to show you they are in control. As this assertion of control often means refusals to listen or follow directions, it can be difficult for parents to navigate.<\/p>\n

Take, for example, a morning battle I hear of many parents having with their young, school-age children: what to wear to school. Say your child wants to want to wear their Halloween costume or a tutu over jeans with flip-flops and a poncho, but you want them to wear something more appropriate for school or play. To navigate this struggle, I suggest implementing a boundary that allows the child control within a limitation. Allow them a choice of three outfits you picked. Will they love that?\u00a0They might not, but it allows them control within reason. If they fight you, the ensuing dialogue could go something like this:<\/p>\n

Parent: You can choose from one of these three outfits.<\/p>\n

Child: No, I don\u2019t want to wear any of those! I want to wear my costume!<\/p>\n

P:\u00a0\u00a0I know you do. It\u2019s a fun and cool costume, and I\u2019m sure you feel very\u00a0tough and important in it, but you have to pick one of these.<\/p>\n

C: WHY?<\/p>\n

P: Because sometimes we need to wear things we don\u2019t want to. You know, I would love to wear pajamas to work, but my boss expects me to wear nice clothes. Even though you love this costume, it isn’t Halloween, and it will make it difficult for you to sit properly in class or play at recess. Your teacher and friends will all be dressed in school clothes, and so you need to wear school clothes, too.<\/p>\n

C: I don\u2019t want to!<\/p>\n

P: I know you don\u2019t, and I see this is hard for you to understand, and that you are frustrated with me for making this rule. But I’m not going to change my mind, so let me know when you decide which of these three outfits you’d like to wear.<\/p>\n

By setting a boundary, you are helping your child become familiar with the discomfort and frustration of being told no and learn how to manage this frustration in a healthy and productive way.<\/span><\/p>\n

By responding in this way, you are setting a solid boundary. Your child learns you will enforce the rule and not change your mind, but also that you understand their frustration with the rule\u2014potentially a rule they have not yet encountered. Though the measure of control they have in the situation may not be ideal, they also learn they still do have the power\u00a0to make a decision on their own and master the situation, within a certain limitation. This is an important skill for children to learn. By setting a boundary, you are also helping your child become familiar with the discomfort and frustration of being told no and learn how to manage this frustration in a healthy and productive way.<\/p>\n

Managing Tantrums<\/h2>\n

Another common challenge faced by parents and children is learning how to manage tantrums. All of us who spend time around children are likely aware of and dread the “terrible T,” the complete, full-body meltdown that leaves both parent and child exhausted, emotional, and often without a solution.<\/p>\n

Everyone handles tantrums differently, but I tend to model them for families as follows:<\/p>\n

Child: I don\u2019t want to leave the playground. I don’t want dinner! (Child may begin to cry.)<\/p>\n

Parent: I know you don\u2019t want to leave. I can see you are having a very good time playing with your friends, but we have to go home and have dinner.<\/p>\n

C: NO! (Your child may say they hate you, hit you, or spit, etc.)<\/p>\n

P: Oh, wow. I can see you\u2019re upset and angry at me for making us leave. Is that how you feel right now?<\/p>\n

C: Yes.<\/p>\n

P: I understand, and it\u2019s okay if you\u2019re mad at me. I still love you very much. But listen, we can’t hit people, ok?\u00a0 Hands are for petting puppies and giving high fives. If you\u2019re going to hit me when it\u2019s time to come home, then we can\u2019t come to the park anymore.<\/p>\n

(Child may continue to cry.)<\/p>\n

It\u2019s common for children to fight harder when a boundary or limit is put into place. Adults do the same thing. I encourage caregivers to, at this point, get down on the child\u2019s level, hold them close, and show them as much love as they would if the child was behaving well. My philosophy is children need love the most when they are acting their worst.<\/p>\n

Here you might say and do the following:<\/p>\n

Parent: Okay, Jimmy, let me come down there and give you a big bear hug. Let me help you calm down. Let\u2019s take a big, deep breath, ok? I see how upset you are, and I\u2019m so sorry you\u2019re feeling so many things right now. I know it\u2019s hard to leave, I really do, and you\u2019re being so strong right now.<\/p>\n

By this point I find the child has often calmed enough to listen and look you in the eyes\u2014here is where you can get them to hear you, because they know you understand and hear them. You could give them a choice, as in the first example: you might allow them to choose which way to walk home or let them pick dinner if they are able to contain themselves appropriately.<\/p>\n

I encourage parents not\u00a0<\/i>to pick their child up and put them in the car mid-tantrum, because not only does this tend to create more distress and upset, it rarely ends productively. Sometimes 15 extra minutes at the park, a validating conversation, and some patience goes a long way for you and your child.<\/p>\n

An important step in the management of tantrums is validation of the feelings the child is experiencing. Little children have the same feelings we do, but they not only experience them much more intensely and ferociously than adults do, they also lack an adequate understanding of how to manage them. When loving caregivers apply boundaries and limitations in a safe, consistent, and fair way, children learn they will survive the emotional upset and begin to develop the ability to master difficult and unfamiliar experiences.<\/p>\n

Learning to apply these boundaries and limitations while validating your child’s feelings is a process that takes practice and consistency. A qualified therapist<\/a> can help, if you are unsure of where to begin or otherwise having difficulty. Whatever you do, don’t give up!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Most parents will, at some point, experience difficulty setting boundaries and learning to manage the inevitable tantrum. Validating a child’s feelings is key.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3071,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542,623],"tags":[861,21,51],"class_list":["post-35489","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","category-issues-treated","tag-boundaries","tag-child-and-adolescent-issues","tag-healthy-parenting"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35489","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3071"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=35489"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35489\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=35489"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=35489"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=35489"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}