{"id":35366,"date":"2017-08-02T08:00:08","date_gmt":"2017-08-02T15:00:08","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=35366"},"modified":"2017-08-01T08:44:41","modified_gmt":"2017-08-01T15:44:41","slug":"trust-in-therapy-examining-and-addressing-feelings-of-shame","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/trust-in-therapy-examining-and-addressing-feelings-of-shame-0802175","title":{"rendered":"Trust in Therapy: Examining and Addressing Feelings of Shame"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"YoungHave you ever felt shame while talking to your therapist? Have they ever said or did something that triggered this feeling?<\/p>\n

I\u2019m hoping your therapist has never intentionally instigated shame<\/a>, but it\u2019s possible that, at some point, the way they ask a question, respond to you, or make a particular facial expression may initiate a shame response. Perhaps their eyes widened when you spoke about a fetish<\/a> or sexual practice<\/a>, related an argument you had with a friend, or described something you did on an interview that didn\u2019t go well.<\/p>\n

On one hand, maybe they were<\/em> shocked. We therapists hear a lot, but even the most experienced therapist can be surprised at times. On the other hand, we may noticeably react for a different reason. Maybe we\u2019re making an association with something in our own life. Or maybe we\u2019re having gas. You, the person we are working with, has no idea which of these is the case. But that\u2019s not the important part. The important part is that you picked up on something from us that caused you to feel shame.

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Find a Therapist<\/a><\/h2>\n\t
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And that is something that should be discussed.<\/p>\n

Building Trust to Examine Our Shame<\/strong><\/h2>\n

Most of us go through life learning how best to avoid shame and have likely developed (consciously or unconsciously) any number of ways to do this. One of the benefits of therapy<\/a> is that it allows us the opportunity to examine and challenge a well-honed (overdeveloped?) shame response.<\/p>\n

But of course, we can only exercise this opportunity if we are comfortable enough\u2014and trust<\/a> our therapist enough\u2014to let them know when shame arises. Because not only are we good at feeling shame, we have also, in most cases, become very good at hiding<\/em> our shame. We might get angry<\/a> instead. Or we might cry. Sometimes we hold in our emotions and experience them physically, in the form of stomach pain or headaches, for example. In some cases, our shame might\u00a0even be converted into a panic attack<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Telling someone their reaction to something we shared caused us to feel shame is a hugely brave thing to do. What better place for that act of bravery than in the therapy room?<\/p>\n

Finding Relief from the Weight of Shame<\/strong><\/h2>\n

Talking about shame can often open a portal, as it can serve to expose so many of the reasons we aren\u2019t living the life we say we want to be living. Why we\u2019re not taking a risk on a career, for example, or why we\u2019re not opening up to a partner\u2014even though by not doing so we could end up losing them. I can\u2019t tell you how often I begin working with men who tell me they’re finally trying out therapy because too many partners have said they can no longer continue a relationship<\/a> with them until they are able to share more. They aren’t aware yet that it\u2019s the shame stopping them.<\/p>\n

Talking about shame can often open a portal, as it can serve to expose so many of the reasons we aren\u2019t living the life we say we want to be living.<\/span><\/p>\n

These aren\u2019t men affected by ideas of toxic masculinity, either. These are men who know they are supposed to express themselves more, men who have received all the messages supporting increased empathy<\/a>, compassion<\/a>, communication<\/a>, and so on–everything a so-called “Modern Man” should be\u2014but they\u2019ve never been taught how\u00a0to be that man.<\/p>\n

But many of these men, once they begin talking about this shame and related issues in a supportive environment, begin to realize how much of their energy has been going to defending against it. The relief they experience can be astounding!<\/p>\n

Shame isn\u2019t everything. There are many reasons people choose to seek out counseling. Shame is no small concern, though, because the energy we put into pushing shame away could be energy spent addressing and working to heal from our anxiety<\/a>, our depression<\/a>, our trauma<\/a>.<\/p>\n

If you trust your therapist, take the risk.<\/p>\n

(If you don’t feel comfortable bringing up this issue with your therapist, please remember it’s always all right to seek a second opinion<\/a>. If you’re concerned your therapist is intentionally shaming you, you might consider reviewing these warning signs of bad therapy<\/a>.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Have you ever experienced shame in therapy? Even if your therapist or counselor didn’t mean to shame you, this is something worth discussing. Here’s why.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2883,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542,623],"tags":[111,103,388],"class_list":["post-35366","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","category-issues-treated","tag-shame","tag-trust","tag-trust-issues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35366","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2883"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=35366"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35366\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=35366"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=35366"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=35366"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}