{"id":35289,"date":"2017-08-04T08:00:05","date_gmt":"2017-08-04T15:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=35289"},"modified":"2017-07-31T07:50:46","modified_gmt":"2017-07-31T14:50:46","slug":"help-my-partner-insists-on-checking-my-phone-messages","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/dear-gt\/help-my-partner-insists-on-checking-my-phone-messages","title":{"rendered":"Help! My Partner Insists on Checking My Phone Messages"},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear GoodTherapy.org,<\/span><\/p>\n

I have been with my boyfriend for going on three years. A couple of months ago, he said he thought it would be “healthy” for us to be able to have access to each other’s phones. He wants to be able to read my text messages whenever he wants and says he’s okay with me reading his too.<\/p>\n

I thought this request was odd, to say the least. I told a couple of friends about it and they also said it was weird. Neither one has an “open phone” policy with their partners. They think it speaks to trust issues<\/a> on his part.<\/p>\n

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We don’t have a history of infidelity<\/a>, so that can’t be it. I’ve never betrayed him in any real sense. The only thing I can even think of that created any sort of weirdness in our relationship<\/a> was when I got hit on at a friend’s wedding. That was about six months ago, and while I did accept a friend request from the guy on Facebook, we have only exchanged a couple of comments on public posts. Friendly, but nothing racy. My boyfriend mentioned our interactions once but not in a way that would suggest he felt threatened or insecure<\/a>. Anyway, I asked him if that had anything to do with his request and he said no.<\/p>\n

So I’m not sure what’s going on, but I don’t like knowing my boyfriend insists on seeing my messages. To avoid giving him cause for alarm, I told him I’m fine sharing. We keep our phones unlocked now and he is free to look at mine whenever he wants. Though I’ve never witnessed him doing it, I know he does. I have never looked at his. I just don’t feel a need.<\/p>\n

What do you think is happening here? Am I going about this the right way? Should I insist on a boundary? \u2014Open-Ended<\/strong><\/p>\n

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist<\/a><\/p>\n

Dear Open-Ended,<\/span><\/p>\n

Thanks for writing in. I, too, have some concerns about this \u201copen phone\u201d policy and understand your reluctance, which I encourage you to pay more attention to. Before expounding, however, I\u2019m going to briefly discuss what, exactly, a \u201cboundary\u201d is, in my clinical experience, since the term gets thrown around a lot while meanings differ.<\/p>\n

Since I like to work from a point of view I call \u201cemotional mindfulness\u201d\u2014and what are love<\/a> and intimacy<\/a> if not emotion-based experiences?\u2014I think of a boundary as an inflection point beyond which one will suffer in an unacceptable way. This point of departure most often concerns a specific behavior which causes a person a level of distress or suffering they are not able or willing to tolerate.<\/p>\n

It is, in other words, a way of warding off a negative emotional experience, which is why it\u2019s so important such things be discussed in a relationship with as open a mind and heart as possible\u2014even or especially <\/em>when they don\u2019t \u201cmake sense\u201d or conflict with our own way of viewing things. Concrete statements can be debated, while feelings remain indisputably personal: \u201chere is how someone ought <\/em>to behave in a situation\u201d versus \u201cthis is what upsets or hurts or feels positive about this.\u201d<\/p>\n

My sense is you and your boyfriend are somehow missing each other in this regard. On the one hand, you say, \u201cTo avoid giving him cause for alarm, I told him I’m fine sharing [phones].\u201d Thus, after some internal deliberation and perhaps anxiety<\/a>, you agreed with his request\u2014except you are writing to me about it, indicating there remains some anxiety or reservation.<\/p>\n

The concern I have here is that the focus has become centered on the mechanics rather than the emotional meaning of this sharing. By \u201cmeaning,\u201d I refer to how you both think and feel about what\u2019s happening and how it impacts the relationship. In a way, the background dilemma has been tabled, not solved.<\/p>\n

The fact a guy hit on you at a wedding became understandably concerning for your boyfriend; this guy then \u201cfriended\u201d you on Facebook, which you accepted. While your trusting of others isn\u2019t a bad thing unto itself, I would hope you can see how that might have been anxious-making for your partner, perhaps due to some of his own history (just as some of yours may have impacted your decision to friend the guy and\/or agree to share phones).<\/p>\n

In all fairness, your boyfriend did not come out and discuss his concerns explicitly, which is part of the \u201cmissing each other\u201d I mention above. He took a literal or physical approach rather than risking vulnerability<\/a> in discussing it. You may have taken a similar route in agreeing to share your phone when you were hesitant, both of you bypassing the emotional risk or vulnerability so crucial to building closeness or intimacy.<\/p>\n

I find generally that all behavior, especially when it concerns a close relationship, is a kind of communication, sometimes revealing intention that may or may not be conscious. On some level, your boyfriend\u2019s impulse to check your phone\u2014which will require checking and rechecking because it doesn\u2019t address the underlying emotional problem, another reason it\u2019s only a Band-Aid solution\u2014is a way of saying, \u201cI don\u2019t trust you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Your decision to friend this fellow\u2014and here I\u2019m reaching a bit\u2014could mean you do not like to feel constrained, for example in who you do or don\u2019t befriend or interact with. You might believe, \u201cI told him I\u2019m taken, he gets it, and I\u2019m <\/em>fine with it.\u201d Of course, your boyfriend could harbor similar sentiment about checking your phone: \u201cI\u2019m not suspicious of anything in particular, it\u2019s just a way of shoring up trust and makes me <\/em>feel better.\u201d It sounds like both of you are facing common human anxieties that might, if mutually shared and understood, lead to deeper understanding and a strengthened emotional bond.<\/p>\n

The \u201cI\u2019m\u201d and \u201cme\u201d parts are key. It\u2019s hard to put the \u201cwe\u201d above \u201cme\u201d in any relationship, especially when we don\u2019t get the other person\u2019s point of view (more on that in a second), or if that POV conflicts with or appears to get in the way of our autonomy, freedom, and so forth.<\/p>\n

I find generally that all behavior, especially when it concerns a close relationship, is a kind of communication, sometimes revealing intention that may or may not be conscious. On some level, your boyfriend\u2019s impulse to check your phone\u2014which will require checking and rechecking because it doesn\u2019t address the underlying emotional problem, another reason it\u2019s only a Band-Aid solution\u2014is a way of saying, \u201cI don\u2019t trust you.\u201d<\/p>\n

It could also be saying, \u201cI do trust you, but I get so anxious about this that I must have<\/em> validation or confirmation. It\u2019s hard to say no to this need to know.\u201d<\/p>\n

Your deciding to friend the guy at the wedding is a way of saying, \u201cHey, you can trust me, I\u2019m loyal to you<\/em>.\u201d It could also be a matter of \u201cI have a hard time saying \u2018no\u2019 as it might hurt the other person\u2019s feelings, so it\u2019s safer to just agree.\u201d<\/p>\n

Both of you overlap in saying, \u201cPlease understand this, don\u2019t be hurt\u201d\u2014agreeing with the other\u2019s behavior in a way that misses the underlying, more vulnerable anxieties or hopes for understanding. Thus, the relationship remains anxiety-laden, which is probably why you decided to write in.<\/p>\n

In either case, you and your boyfriend have real (and understandably human) vulnerabilities around trust and betrayal. It\u2019s worth sitting down with each other for an open conversation in which you try to hear the other person out in terms of their hopes<\/a> and fears<\/a>. If this feels uncomfortable, reach out to a therapist<\/a> who can help facilitate things in an impartial way.<\/p>\n

Perhaps your boyfriend was once betrayed by a partner, leading to anxiety around a repetition of this; perhaps you once said no to someone and it backfired or hurt you. In either event, I would think the solution has to come from within each of you in a shared way, <\/em>rather than a physical or concrete way of controlling anxiety and postponing some stepping-outside-the-comfort-zone. We cannot avoid the need to emotionally stretch\u2014sometimes awkwardly, uncomfortably\u2014in the growth required for long-term intimacy.<\/p>\n

I see this in couples counseling<\/a> all the time, where one person needs to turn up the volume on their wants or needs (yourself, in this case), while the other needs to dial it down a bit in terms of intrusiveness or demand (your boyfriend)\u2014while both partners attempt to center on the emotional vulnerabilities driving the conflict, rather than resting in an external solution. Putting the cart before the horse is something we all do, though the \u201chorse\u201d (i.e., the relationship) only ends up feeling blocked, restless, or cagey.<\/p>\n

I hope this helps. Thanks again for writing!<\/p>\n

Darren Haber, MFT, PsyD<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Darren Haber, MFT, PsyD, responds to our latest reader-submitted Dear GoodTherapy.org question.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1061,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625,542],"tags":[522,791,41,835,388],"class_list":["post-35289","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","category-featured-articles","tag-dear-gt","tag-insecurity","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships","tag-stalking","tag-trust-issues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35289","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1061"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=35289"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35289\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=35289"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=35289"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=35289"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}