{"id":35261,"date":"2017-07-21T08:00:32","date_gmt":"2017-07-21T15:00:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=35261"},"modified":"2017-07-31T07:52:36","modified_gmt":"2017-07-31T14:52:36","slug":"is-it-healthy-to-masturbate-to-thoughts-of-people-i-know","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/dear-gt\/is-it-healthy-to-masturbate-to-thoughts-of-people-i-know","title":{"rendered":"Is It Healthy to Masturbate to Thoughts of People I Know?"},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear GoodTherapy.org,<\/span><\/p>\n

Some people masturbate to thoughts of faceless figures. Some people masturbate to porn. Some people have fantasies about characters from fan fiction.<\/p>\n

Me? I tend to masturbate to thoughts of people I actually know, ranging from friends to coworkers to professors to the guy next door to my boss’ husband and everyone in between. Is that healthy? I mean, in most cases I would never actually have sex<\/a> with these people (it would usually be taboo or inappropriate), so I wonder if it’s healthy to even imagine it or if I should be trying to redirect my fantasies elsewhere.<\/p>\n

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I personally would be flattered to know that a friend or coworker or whoever was masturbating with me in mind, but I feel a little guilty<\/a> about it sometimes, like I’m using someone’s image for my sexual gratification without their knowledge or consent. When I’m around these people I don’t act any different; I don’t get weird or creepy or anything. So is there any harm in what I’m doing? Is this normal and healthy? Am I some sort of deviant? \u2014Thinking of You<\/strong><\/p>\n

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist<\/a><\/p>\n

Dear Thinking,<\/span><\/p>\n

Thanks for your question. First, a quick remark regarding your question of whether this is \u201cnormal.\u201d I gently discourage people from using this word in therapy<\/a>, though I understand why they do. Perhaps because I tend to work within an existential-humanistic viewpoint, I have discovered there is no normal. <\/em>I mean this within the context of understanding a specific person\u2019s psychological and emotional life. So many behaviors or emotions<\/a> are confusing from a distance, but then make sense as you understand them empathically.<\/p>\n

Often the word \u201cnormal\u201d often gets conflated with \u201crational,\u201d or within the bounds of acceptable socio-cultural definition. Thus, it is defined by social norms, which change over time.<\/p>\n

But consider that it is not necessarily \u201crational\u201d to watch a pretend series of moving images on a screen, with actors dressed in costume and special effects generated by computer, in such a way that emotionally involves us with the characters and story we\u2019re seeing (even when that story is called Star Wars<\/em> or Wonder Woman<\/em>). It is not rational to be engrossed or frightened by an obviously \u201cfake\u201d science-fiction novel or TV series. All of this is, however, quite human in our need for narratives and fantasies that serve a variety of emotional and psychological purposes. Certainly, sexual fantasies can go beyond the bounds of \u201crational\u201d\u2014and wouldn\u2019t life be boring if they didn\u2019t?<\/p>\n

It seems to me fantasies, even dreams themselves, are often closer to the emotional or psychological truth of our existence than logic or rationality. Rationality is necessary, but too much of it becomes constricting; it\u2019s the non-rational, creative, or unbounded energy that brings color and, frankly, gets the party started (so to speak). It\u2019s hard to imagine a line of people lining up to see a movie about lives which remain rational or \u201cnormal\u201d throughout.<\/p>\n

Were you in the therapy room with me, I would be curious to hear more about these fantasies of yours, as a window into what might be happening on an unconscious<\/a> or soulful level.<\/p>\n

On the face of it, your fantasies and masturbation, even wondering about the social ethics therein, don\u2019t strike me as unusual or alarming. Having said that, you don\u2019t mention the frequency or intensity of said behaviors. It\u2019s hard to tell whether they happen enough to warrant being considered compulsive. When a compulsion<\/a> is present, a person often feels they ought to \u201cget a handle\u201d on things, and may feel guilty the behavior (or set of feelings driving the behavior) is hard to manage.<\/p>\n

Hard to say, in other words, whether this behavior is relatively harmless (to yourself or others), a way of blowing off some sexual steam, or if it is somehow getting in the way of real-life relationships<\/a>.<\/p>\n

We all sometimes wonder about our own private habits<\/a>, of course, and may secretly want validation we are not \u201cbeyond the bounds\u201d of normalcy (whatever that is), or wonder, \u201cIs this a problem or isn\u2019t it?\u201d Your question does intimate danger <\/em>or risk in such self-pleasuring, since these fantasy scenarios are possibly \u201ctaboo or inappropriate.\u201d This makes me especially curious.<\/p>\n

What is the taboo<\/a> you might be breaking? You don\u2019t mention the specific content of your fantasies, which I am guessing are compelling or captivating in some way. In many cases, the intensity of sexual scenarios relates to some emotional <\/em>intensity\u2014pain, desire, fear\u2014in our psyche<\/a> that has not been fully explored or understood, or relationally shared, but which can create turbulence, even shame<\/a>, until better understood. (That\u2019s not a bad description of the purpose of psychotherapy, incidentally.)<\/p>\n

You may know the content of sexual fantasies and desires so often symbolizes or \u201cdisguises\u201d a person\u2019s deepest wishes, hopes<\/a>, and fears<\/a>. Sexual fantasies are dream-like, and can be interpreted as such, much as Sigmund Freud<\/a> hinted (though he stubbornly insisted on only one valid interpretation). These fantasy and dream images become a kind of \u201cmap\u201d of yearnings or deeper desires not easily expressed consciously<\/a>, for all manner of reasons.<\/p>\n

Sometimes such needs become \u201ceroticized\u201d or take sexual form. The person who feels they are never noticed or truly seen may have exhibitionist-type fantasies in which they are finally \u201cnoticed\u201d by others; the \u201cnudity\u201d in this scenario may correspond to a desire to feel unbounded, spontaneous\u2014as young children are often unabashed about their own nudity.<\/p>\n

I would suggest paying attention to the emotional hopes or wishes suggested by your imagined scenarios. The only true \u201ctaboo\u201d I can imagine is stifling further exploration toward listening to or observing more closely the needs, wants, or hopes your psyche may be trying to communicate.<\/span><\/p>\n

Within such scenarios, we may see or be \u201cseen\u201d in the most unencumbered and exciting ways. Urges or impulses that are usually kept in \u201cstorage\u201d are free to roam. Pushing and playing with boundaries is part of the excitement, in whatever form that takes. This holds true, of course, for both masturbatory and shared sexual activity.<\/p>\n

As another example, S&M scenarios are commonly enjoyed by those who (for instance) struggle with feeling overly compliant during their \u201creal\u201d life, but are then empowered to dominate in the bedroom. Meanwhile, those who enjoy being tied up or submissive might struggle with a sense of over-responsibility in \u201creal\u201d life.<\/p>\n

Is it possible your fantasies are a way of asserting yourself and your needs in a way that feels elusive in your actual relationships? Are there needs or emotions that are hard to share or communicate in your interactions with others?<\/p>\n

Clearly there is an aftermath here of guilt or self-doubt<\/a>. Again, in what way is this activity \u201ctaboo\u201d or possibly \u201cdeviant\u201d (a strong word)? Is it that you are somehow \u201cexploiting\u201d these folks without their awareness? In what way might it be wrong to do so? Have you ever felt exploited in any parallel way? Are you concerned such fantasizing might somehow lead to taking action (if there is anything \u201cedgy\u201d or dangerous about your fantasies)? Is there something shameful about the desires symbolized by the fantasies themselves?<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t escape the feeling that, at the bottom of all of this, there is something emotional and very human hoping to be more deeply understood.<\/p>\n

There is a rather significant detail left out of your note: you don\u2019t mention if you are single. If you are, does it mean your partner would be hurt or offended?<\/p>\n

I\u2019m imagining for a moment you are single. Is the \u201ctaboo\u201d an offense against yourself<\/em>, in not seeking an actual sex partner and depriving yourself of an intimacy that may be overwhelming or anxiety<\/a>-provoking? Or in \u201cpermitting\u201d some (possibly sexualized) desires or needs to take shape and find expression, even if privately?<\/p>\n

Or, if you are partnered, is there a sense of guilt or \u201cforbidden-ness\u201d around attraction toward others? People are often surprised to learn one can be married or monogamous<\/a> and still be attracted to others. How far to take such an attraction does subjectively and culturally vary, of course. (There are cultures or traditions, for instance, which allow bigamy, and there has been quite a bit of discussion lately in social and mainstream media about open relationships.)<\/p>\n

In short, your question is a provocative one and is worthy of further exploration in therapy. I would suggest paying attention to the emotional hopes or wishes suggested by your imagined scenarios. The only true \u201ctaboo\u201d I can imagine is stifling further exploration toward listening to or observing more closely the needs, wants, or hopes your psyche may be trying to communicate.<\/p>\n

Kind regards,<\/p>\n

Darren Haber, MFT, PsyD<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Darren Haber, MFT, PsyD, responds to our latest reader-submitted Dear GoodTherapy.org question.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1061,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625,542],"tags":[522,825,824,139],"class_list":["post-35261","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","category-featured-articles","tag-dear-gt","tag-fantasies","tag-masturbation","tag-sex-therapy"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35261","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1061"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=35261"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35261\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=35261"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=35261"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=35261"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}