{"id":35075,"date":"2017-06-26T08:00:51","date_gmt":"2017-06-26T15:00:51","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=35075"},"modified":"2017-06-23T14:52:21","modified_gmt":"2017-06-23T21:52:21","slug":"the-values-driven-life-let-go-of-your-rules-and-live-with-purpose","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/values-driven-life-let-go-of-your-rules-live-with-purpose-0626175","title":{"rendered":"The Values-Driven Life: Let Go of Your Rules and Live with Purpose"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"PersonWhat drives your decision-making\u2014your rules or your values? Imagine a good friend asks you for a loan and you know, despite your friend\u2019s best intentions, you will likely never get your money back. Do you agree to loan the money because that\u2019s what friends are supposed to do or because you value this friendship more than the money? Do you decline to loan the money because friends and money don\u2019t mix or because you value maintaining boundaries in all your relationships?<\/p>\n

The distinction between rule-based and value-based living can be nuanced, and often both approaches lead to the same outcome. But under the surface, they point to vastly different modes of operation and perception. Clinging to excessive rules about who you are and how you should behave can be unfulfilling and ultimately self-sabotaging. Exploring and identifying your values may provide a needed wake-up call and generate a more multifaceted way of thinking and behaving.<\/p>\n

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What\u2019s the difference between rules and values and how do you know which one is influencing your behavior? At the most general level, rules are imposed by external forces and values are the product of internal introspection. Rules by their very nature are designed to dictate specific behaviors, to provide structure and predictability, and utilize consequences or the fear of consequences to achieve adherence. Whatever the institution, the overarching goal of almost all rules is to provide order.<\/p>\n

Values<\/a> are the things, ideas, experiences, and people we find to have great importance and deep meaning in our lives. Values take time to flesh out, honesty to acknowledge, and commitment to put into practice. Thus, unlike rules, values are the refined essence of what intrinsically motivates<\/a> us\u2014spending time with family, cultivating spirituality, committing to a healthy lifestyle. Values-guided behavior is purposeful and mindful, without the expectation of receiving immediate gratification for the effort put forth.<\/p>\n

Values give sacrifice meaning and purpose, and rules often lack this substantive quality.<\/span><\/p>\n

While rule-dominated thinking can produce order from the chaos, it comes with a cost\u2014the tendency to encourage a rigid self-concept. One quick way to check if thinking is predominantly rule-based is to notice how often you find yourself thinking you \u201cshould,\u201d \u201cshouldn\u2019t,\u201d \u201cmust,\u201d or \u201ccan\u2019t\u201d do something. Also be mindful of global language like \u201calways\u201d and \u201cnever,\u201d as in \u201cI always finish something I start\u201d or \u201cI\u2019d never be able to do something like that.\u201d And then there are labels such as \u201cI\u2019m so type-A\u201d or \u201cI am a bad friend\/parent\/student.\u201d<\/p>\n

When we become fused with and buy into these rigid narratives, our responses are on autopilot with a predetermined course of action. The remedy for inflexible thinking is not to suppress it altogether or to replace negatively perceived thoughts with positive ones. Rather, it is to redirect your focus to what really matters in that moment and to become mindful of your available choices.<\/p>\n

Here are some questions to help you tap into a more values-based mode of thinking:<\/p>\n