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Recently, I sat in session with a married couple named Dara and Mike. Speaking to one of the issues that brought them to therapy, Dara said, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Every time I tell him I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t feel like a priority, he tells me it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not true. Yet, he never spends any time with me.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Dara began to tear up. I asked her what she felt in that moment. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Lonely<\/a>,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d she responded.<\/p>\n I turned to Mike and asked him, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153What is it like for you to hear Dara say this makes her feel lonely?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n He turned to her and said, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry you feel that way. That wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t my intention.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Imagine a beautiful song on a record player suddenly coming to a screeching halt. What happened here?<\/p>\n [fat_widget_right]<\/p>\n As an intimacy<\/a> breakthrough specialist, I can deconstruct this moment in many different ways. For this article, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m going to focus specifically on Mike\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s apology.<\/p>\n I promptly asked Mike, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Mike, what are YOU feeling right now?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Nothing,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he replied.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Let\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s talk about that,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I said.<\/p>\n Mike and I talked about four common mistakes partners make when apologizing.<\/p>\n Your apology feels meaningless when you speak from a place of defense.<\/strong><\/p>\n Including the words \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry\u00e2\u20ac\u009d in your statement of an apology is not nearly enough. Mike\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s apology proved ineffective. While he claims to have not felt anything, he more likely felt defensive and did not realize it. Defensiveness shut him down to what his wife was feeling. As a result, his apology did not feel sincere or heartfelt to Dara.<\/p>\n Your apology lacks accountability when you focus on how your partner feels instead of what you did.<\/strong><\/p>\n Mike phrased his apology as, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry you feel that way.<\/em>\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Notice how his apology focuses on Dara. It says nothing about him or his actions. It is as if he is making her feel bad for having her feelings, rather than focusing on how he has influenced those feelings. Basically, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s an apology cop-out.<\/p>\n Your apology feels empty and disconnected when you lack empathy.<\/strong><\/p>\n When I asked Mike what he felt, he said, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Nothing.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Defense likely kept him from feeling sadness<\/a> or any form of genuine empathy<\/a> for Dara. Empathy required Mike to feel what Dara felt. If he allowed himself to look into her eyes, to see her tears, to connect to his own sadness and loneliness, he might have better understood Dara\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s feelings. He then could have offered a more caring and meaningful response.<\/p>\n Your apology focuses on intention and not consequences.<\/strong><\/p>\n Intentions are great, but when they don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t produce the results you want, you need to reexamine what you are doing. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s easier to hide behind your \u00e2\u20ac\u0153intention\u00e2\u20ac\u009d than it is to face the consequences of your actions.<\/span><\/p>\n I can recall specific times I have made this mistake. Intentions are great, but when they don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t produce the results you want, you need to reexamine what you are doing. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s easier to hide behind your \u00e2\u20ac\u0153intention\u00e2\u20ac\u009d than it is to face the consequences of your actions.<\/p>\n Through our conversation, Mike quickly realized how and why Dara did not accept his apology. Once he dropped his defensive stance, he tuned into her more and allowed himself to step into his more difficult feelings of sadness. He finally connected to Dara\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s pain and offered a genuine and sincere apology.<\/p>\nMistake No. 1<\/h2>\n
Mistake No. 2<\/h2>\n
Mistake No. 3<\/h2>\n
Mistake No. 4<\/h2>\n