{"id":34959,"date":"2017-06-12T06:00:30","date_gmt":"2017-06-12T13:00:30","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=34959"},"modified":"2017-06-08T13:59:14","modified_gmt":"2017-06-08T20:59:14","slug":"who-are-you-calling-a-narcissist-why-narcissism-isnt-all-bad","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/narcissistic-needs-self-esteem-why-narcissism-isnt-all-bad-0612174","title":{"rendered":"Narcissistic Needs and Self-Esteem: Why Narcissism Isn’t All Bad"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Parent\u201cYou\u2019re such a narcissist!\u201d<\/p>\n

If you\u2019ve ever caught yourself saying that to someone you love, you know it\u2019s never a compliment. \u201cNarcissist\u201d can be an all-purpose put-down that calls someone out for being egocentric and grandiose, demanding praise and adulation, and being unable to appreciate the needs or emotions of others; it\u2019s hard to see how anyone with these qualities could ever get along in a friendship or romantic relationship. And yet, according to the American Psychiatric Association, between half a percent and 1% of the American population\u2014which is to say, up to 3.2 million people\u2014currently meet criteria for narcissistic personality (NPD)<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Under everyday circumstances, narcissistic behavior can destroy relationships, ruin marriages, and interfere with professional advancement. But the same traits we see in people with NPD may also be present, individually and more subtly, in many people\u2014maybe even in everyone. That\u2019s because narcissistic qualities might well be a necessary component of human development.<\/p>\n

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Sigmund Freud<\/a> himself argued, in an essay called On Narcissism, <\/em>that an infant\u2019s primal urge to survive exceeds its sense of other people\u2019s independent existence, and therefore comprises a kind of \u201cprimary narcissism\u201d\u2014a limited, self-centered outlook on the world, into which other personalities have yet to intrude. From six months to about 6 years old, most children go through a stage like this, which could be seen as a way station on the road to developing an independent self<\/a>. According to Freud, the pathological narcissism that sometimes develops later in life (which he referred to as \u201csecondary narcissism\u201d) results from a distorted exaggeration of healthy narcissism.<\/p>\n

Later psychoanalytic theorists elaborated on, and sometimes disagreed with, Freud\u2019s theory. Karen Horney<\/a> didn’t see primary narcissism as a phase everyone goes through; instead, she believed narcissistic traits arose from a mismatch between the individual and caregivers. To Horney, parents who treat their child as if the child is deeply undervalued\u2014or overvalued\u2014may be nudging that child toward developing a narcissistic personality. By contrast, Heinz Kohut<\/a> saw the grandiosity of pathological narcissism as something that arose from a child\u2019s larger-than-life idealization of the parents. Kohut believed this grandiosity, later in life, would typically shrink to the size of healthy self-esteem. A third clinical theorist, Otto Kernberg, also focused on parents and their contribution to narcissistic pathology: he believed children develop self-esteem when they have become accustomed to being praised and validated by caregivers. A child then develops positive internal representations of the parents and, at the same time, a stable and positive internal self-concept.<\/p>\n

Regardless of whether you\u2019re a follower of Freud or Kernberg, it\u2019s probably not difficult to see how everyone needs to be affirmed by their significant others. It’s probably no less\u00a0easy to see how acknowledging sufficient narcissistic validation in childhood is essential to developing healthy self-esteem. Unfortunately for popular understanding, this all gets lost when \u201cnarcissist\u201d is used as a casual insult.<\/span><\/p>\n

All these post-Freudian thinkers focused, at least in part, on the parent-child relationship as necessary to building self-esteem<\/a>. Chief among the responsibilities our parents hold may be narcissistic validation or affirmation, which could be defined as the experience of having your whole self, and your feelings, treated as real and important by someone you care about. Validation is what we internalize as we grow up, so we can develop the ability to value ourselves. Like many things, narcissistic validation is beneficial\u2014and necessary\u2014in moderation. We need it most when we\u2019re children; it\u2019s our parents\u2019 job to notice how we\u2019re feeling (i.e., hungry, tired, or unhappy) and to respond appropriately (with food, the nap-time ritual, or just a hug). If a child is not well validated by the parents\u2014and thus comes to believe their feelings are not important or will always be ignored by significant others\u2014the child may learn to compensate and adapt by developing a psychological shell of brittle, exaggerated narcissism.<\/p>\n

As we mature, the validation we seek continues to provide crucial interpersonal feedback, informing the way we make friends, fall in love, and come to know ourselves. We surround ourselves with people who value our good qualities, which can create a positive feedback loop. This feedback\u2014this prosocial, mutually beneficial style of narcissistic behavior\u2014comes into play when parents become their \u201cbest selves\u201d when raising their children, or when people who crave others\u2019 attention are able to reward that attention with cheer, kindness, or good humor, cementing friendships. Usually, the development of realistic and positive self-regard, along with an affirming self-concept strong enough to temper negative feedback, works to stabilize self-esteem in most adults. Truly mature self-esteem consists in the ability to self-validate, to regulate self-concept without depending on others\u2019 praise, and to accept criticism without becoming defensive.<\/p>\n

Regardless of whether you\u2019re a follower of Freud or Kernberg, it\u2019s probably not difficult to see how everyone needs to be affirmed by their significant others. It’s probably no less\u00a0easy to see how acknowledging sufficient narcissistic validation in childhood is essential to developing healthy self-esteem. Unfortunately for popular understanding, this all gets lost when \u201cnarcissist\u201d is used as a casual insult.<\/p>\n

There is no question narcissistic behavior can be problematic. At the extreme end of the narcissism continuum, it can enable and perpetuate abuse<\/a>. But perhaps more widespread knowledge and insight into the narcissistic needs of children and adults can help turn the label \u201cnarcissist\u201d into something a bit more complex. We might even begin to see other people\u2019s basic narcissistic demands as the reasonable human needs they often are.<\/p>\n

References:<\/strong><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. American Psychiatric Association. (2000). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (4th ed., Text Revision)<\/em>. Washington, DC: APA.<\/li>\n
  2. Freud, S. (1991). On Narcissism<\/em>. In Sandler, J., Person, E. S., & Fonagy, P. (Eds.), Freud\u2019s \u201cOn Narcissism:\u201d An Introduction (IPA Contemporary Freud: Turning Points & Critical Issues). New Haven, CT: Yale University Press.<\/li>\n
  3. Horney, K. (1950, reprinted 1991). Neurosis and human growth (2nd edition)<\/em>. New York: W.W. Norton<\/li>\n
  4. Kernberg, O. F. (1985). Borderline conditions and pathological narcissism.<\/em> Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield.<\/li>\n
  5. Kohut, H. (1971). The analysis of the self: A systematic approach to the psychoanalytic treatment of narcissistic personality disorders<\/em>. New York: International Universities Press.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Despite narcissism’s reputation as an abusive force in relationships, narcissistic needs may be rooted in the normal human development of healthy self-esteem.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3077,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542,623],"tags":[93,759,115],"class_list":["post-34959","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","category-issues-treated","tag-narcissism","tag-personality","tag-self-esteem"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34959","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3077"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=34959"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34959\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=34959"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=34959"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=34959"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}