{"id":34951,"date":"2017-06-09T06:00:37","date_gmt":"2017-06-09T13:00:37","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=34951"},"modified":"2017-06-07T12:12:50","modified_gmt":"2017-06-07T19:12:50","slug":"sex-and-playfulness-remaining-connected-in-monogamous-relationships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/sex-and-playfulness-remaining-connected-in-monogamous-relationships-0609174","title":{"rendered":"Sex and Playfulness: Remaining Connected in Monogamous Relationships"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"YoungHow can a committed couple in a monogamous relationship<\/a> have an active and fulfilling sex life? This\u00a0topic\u00a0comes up regularly with people I see in treatment.\u00a0Couples in my office practice will\u00a0tell me\u00a0they\u2019re bored with their sexual relationship or that they haven\u2019t had sex in months, sometimes even years. Sex and playfulness are not equated with each other in their interactions. In fact, these couples may not display any playfulness toward one another at all.<\/p>\n

When considering entering into a long-term committed relationship, or discussing sexual difficulties<\/a> within an established relationship<\/a>, it is common to question whether we can have a monogamous relationship with one person, be satisfied for the rest of our lives with this partner, and remain true to them. Some\u00a0of us\u00a0preparing to make such a long-term commitment may experience some level of anguish with regard to this question, both in terms of choosing to make the commitment and how we view ourselves in terms of ethics, morals, and our ability to keep our vows.<\/p>\n

Consider the implications of not keeping vows, whether they are wedding vows or simply the\u00a0informal\u00a0commitment\u00a0made\u00a0when entering a monogamous relationship.\u00a0Vows are generally\u00a0not legal issues, in the United States. Rather, they are a commitment we make to ourselves and our partners to remain faithful. Some people may make the choice to be unfaithful<\/a> when sex is not satisfying and\/or their needs are not met in the partnership. But going\u00a0outside the relationship to meet needs (when a couple is\u00a0not practicing ethical non-monogamy) is a violation of vows that can easily destroy the love and trust<\/a> between\u00a0partners, causing deep hurt and damaging both individuals.\u00a0But how, then, can a couple address issues of sexual needs not being met in a relationship?<\/p>\n

What Happens When Sexual Needs Aren’t Being Met?<\/h2>\n

We know most romantic relationships may not be exciting or fulfilling without sex. In most cases (though there are exceptions), couples who are not getting their sexual needs met in a relationship are also not getting what they need emotionally.

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A\u00a0satisfying sexual relationship\u00a0is often crucial to the success of a romantic relationship. How we perceive our needs and desires in the physical relationship cannot be answered in this one article, but I want to talk about the attitude shift, or the way we look at ourselves and our partners in terms of their ability to meet our\u00a0needs in the sexual relationship. While there may be inherent differences when it comes to what each partner might bring emotionally to the sexual relationship, couples on the whole need the same thing from their sexual relationships\u2014an\u00a0emotional connection, a feeling of security that enables them to be vulnerable and\u00a0express themselves sexually, and the physical manifestation of their emotions<\/a> in the giving of themselves to their partners.<\/p>\n

The common stereotype<\/a> that men are strictly orgasm-centered during sex, that emotions don\u2019t come into play for them, is a fallacy. I\u00a0can tell you, from one man\u2019s perspective, that nothing is further from the truth. When people define their love and emotions in a physical way, they give of themselves to their partners through the physical relationship. If a physical connection is not present in a relationship, either partner may feel unimportant, empty<\/a>, or alone<\/a>, especially when no mechanism to discuss this is in place.<\/p>\n

Giving emotionally to our partners is extremely important. To share ourselves through sex means being emotionally vulnerable to the person in our world who is the most important to us, and couples thrive on\u00a0the\u00a0empathy<\/a> and emotional response that occurs when they are fully present with one another during sexual intimacy.<\/p>\n

Sue Johnson, developer of emotionally focused couples and family therapy (EFT) defines three types of sex:<\/p>\n