{"id":34546,"date":"2017-04-20T06:00:56","date_gmt":"2017-04-20T13:00:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=34546"},"modified":"2017-08-21T08:52:07","modified_gmt":"2017-08-21T15:52:07","slug":"youre-my-obsession-how-to-recover-from-an-addictive-relationship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/youre-my-obsession-how-to-recover-from-addictive-relationship-0420174","title":{"rendered":"You\u2019re My Obsession: How to Recover from an Addictive Relationship"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignleft size-medium wp-image-34555\" src=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/writing-in-journal-300x205.jpg\" alt=\"Close-up photo of young adult leaning over journal while sitting outdoors and writing \" width=\"300\" height=\"205\" title=\"\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/writing-in-journal-300x205.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/writing-in-journal.jpg 715w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/>Are you in an addictive relationship with someone? Would you like to break free from your bondage and feel inner peace? Do you want to stop the obsessions, break the cycle of seeming insanity, and take back your life?<\/p>\n<p>Then read on.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/addictions-and-compulsions\">Addictions<\/a> come in many forms. An addiction to a person involves <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/ocd\">obsessive thoughts<\/a> about the relationship, feelings of hope, anticipation, waiting, confusion, and desperation. Addictive relationships are toxic and very powerful.<\/p>\n<p>Healthy <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/relationships\">relationships<\/a> do not involve constant drama and continual feelings of longing. Healthy relationships just are. When in a nonaddictive relationship, you simply know your loved one is available to you. You do not have to wonder, wait, or live in turmoil over your last or next encounter.<\/p>\n<div class=\"content-fatwidget align-right\">\n\t<h2><a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/find-therapist.html\" target=\"_blank\">Find a Therapist<\/a><\/h2>\n\t<form action=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/search-redirect.html\" method=\"get\">\n\n\t\t\t<input required name=\"search[zipcode]\" placeholder=\"Enter ZIP or City\" class=\"inline-input\" type=\"text\" \/>\n\n\n\t\t\t<input type=\"submit\" name=\"TOS agreement\" value=\" \" class=\"inline-btn\" title=\"Search\" onclick=\"ga('send', 'event', 'FAT Widget', 'Submit Search', 'Sidebar', {nonInteraction: true});\" \/>\n\t\t<a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/advanced-search.html\" title=\"Advanced Search\" onclick=\"ga('send', 'event', 'FAT Widget', 'Advanced Search', 'Sidebar', {nonInteraction: true});\" >Advanced Search<\/a>\n\t<\/form>\n<\/div>\n<p>The first step in recovery is to face the truth. Identify your toxic person as the \u201cdrug\u201d of sorts you are addicted to. Before you can break any addiction, you need to own the reality you have one. Acknowledgment is the beginning of your journey toward recovery.<\/p>\n<p>To help you face the truth, get out your writing pad and begin the process. Start by writing the following:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Identify your feelings regarding your addictive relationship.<\/li>\n<li>Identify the relationship \u201ccrazy cycle.\u201d For instance: anticipation \u2013 encounter \u2013 momentary bliss \u2013 confusion \u2013 departure \u2013 longing \u2013 despair. This is just an example; identify the cycle within your own relationship.<\/li>\n<li>Write down what is being fulfilled in your addictive relationship (a sense of belonging, feeling wanted, etc.). Notice the temporary \u201cfix\u201d you encounter when you are with your person; identify the \u201cpromise\u201d or \u201chope\u201d temporarily being fulfilled.<\/li>\n<li>Write down the common obsessive thoughts you have regarding your person.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Once you have faced the truth, commit to yourself to live in the truth\u2014to live in reality, no matter the cost. Recovery requires living in truth over living in fantasy. Addictive relationships are fantasies. You are in love with what you wish the person was, not what they are.<\/p>\n<p>You are addicted to the brain chemistry attached to the anticipation and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/ptsd\">traumatic<\/a> bonding surrounding the relationship. Because the relationship is so utterly unfulfilling, you are left with a constant state of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/emptiness\">emptiness<\/a>, which is temporarily assuaged with each encounter with your object of obsession (the person).<\/p>\n<p>It is a vicious cycle.<\/p>\n<p>Once you have identified your thoughts, feelings, and patterns in your relationship, it is time begin <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/abstinence\">abstention<\/a> (if you haven\u2019t already done so). You must abstain from your addiction. You can abstain in one of two ways:<\/p>\n<ol>\n<li>Abstain from the relationship completely (no contact); this includes texts and social media.<\/li>\n<li>Abstain from and emotional entanglements; this requires detachment.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p>This will be a very difficult part of your journey. The brain chemicals released when trying to detach are vastly different from the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/neurotransmitter\">neurotransmitters<\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/hormone\">hormones<\/a> released when you are with your loved one. The main chemical released during times of stress (including emotional stress) is <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/cortisol\">cortisol<\/a>. Any trigger (such as the loss of a loved one) releases chemicals from the noradrenergic system (which includes the release of cortisol and norepinephrine).<\/p>\n<p>As you face another emotionally dysregulating departure from your loved one, your stress system goes into high gear, releasing stress chemicals in your body, which motivates you to \u201cdo something about this!\u201d As you anticipate the relief from the stress, your brain releases chemicals such as <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/dopamine\">dopamine<\/a>, which offer that positive feeling of anticipation. You have entered the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/craving\">craving<\/a> part of your addiction.<\/p>\n<p>In order to break an addiction, you need to realize you are fighting these chemical responses. This means you will not feel good for a while. But rest assured, if you can abstain from responding to your brain chemistry, you can get through these tough times and your neurotransmitter system will eventually come to rest at a state of equilibrium.<\/p>\n<p>Some suggestions for what to do while you are in this \u201ccraving cycle\u201d:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Find a positive diversion or distraction\u2014gardening, walking, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/meditation\">meditating<\/a>, or any other healthy activity.<\/li>\n<li>Do something nonaggressively physical, such as hiking, biking, jogging, weight lifting, etc.<\/li>\n<li>Connect with someone healthy. Talk to a close friend and let them know how you really feel.<\/li>\n<li>Write in your journal. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/types\/journal-therapy\">Journaling<\/a> is effective for releasing uncomfortable emotions. Write how you feel and what you want. Encourage yourself in your journal.<\/li>\n<li>Create positive mantras to help you get through the craving cycle. Encourage yourself and don\u2019t allow yourself to obsess on self-defeating thoughts.<\/li>\n<li>Write a list of all the reasons your addictive relationship\/person is bad for you. It is easy to focus on what you miss when you are experiencing feelings of emptiness, but if you can focus on the negative aspects of your relationship, you can gird yourself up with reality.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Understand you cannot change anyone but yourself. Stop focusing on how the other person needs to change. You have no power over other people, and wishing others would change only serves to keep you hooked into a destructive pattern of waiting.<\/p>\n<p><span class=\"popout-quote-left\" style=\"font-weight: bold; width: 30%; float: left;\">Understand you cannot change anyone but yourself. Stop focusing on how the other person needs to change. You have no power over other people, and wishing others would change only serves to keep you hooked into a destructive pattern of waiting.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>The best thing you can do to help yourself on your journey of healing is to be proactive and set up a plan of emotional health \u201cbottom-line behaviors\u201d for yourself.<\/p>\n<p>Here are some personal principles you can internalize to help you do just that:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>I will trust my intuition.<\/li>\n<li>I will no longer participate in no-win conversations.<\/li>\n<li>I will no longer participate in impossible situations.<\/li>\n<li>If I feel bad around someone, I will remove myself.<\/li>\n<li>I will no longer make every decision a crisis.<\/li>\n<li>I will live one day at a time.<\/li>\n<li>I will learn to reframe negative experiences. In other words, I will look for the \u201csilver lining\u201d in all situations.<\/li>\n<li>I will learn how to manage my emotions rather than have them control me.<\/li>\n<li>I will take my power back.<\/li>\n<li>I resolve to believe in myself.<\/li>\n<li>If I feel emotionally unstable, I will connect with a safe person, not the object of my obsession.<\/li>\n<li>I will have <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/self-compassion\">self-compassion<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>I will honor and pay attention to my feelings.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Recovery from any addiction, including a relationship addiction, is hard but worthwhile work. You can do this through perseverance, hope, self-discovery, and grace. The best way to accomplish any long-term goal is to do it one step and one day at a time. Don\u2019t scare yourself by thinking beyond today. Live each day as it comes and take the next indicated step on your journey to healthy living.<\/p>\n<p>For compassionate guidance, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/find-therapist.html\">seek the support of a licensed therapist<\/a> in your area.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>As with any addiction, recovering from an addictive relationship involves facing harsh truths, detaching, finding healthier outlets, and perseverance.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3035,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542,623],"tags":[447,93,228,714,41],"class_list":["post-34546","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","category-issues-treated","tag-addictions-compulsions","tag-narcissism","tag-obsessions-compulsions-ocd","tag-relationship-addiction","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34546","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3035"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=34546"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34546\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=34546"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=34546"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=34546"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}