{"id":34518,"date":"2017-04-14T08:00:49","date_gmt":"2017-04-14T15:00:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=34518"},"modified":"2019-07-24T11:08:01","modified_gmt":"2019-07-24T18:08:01","slug":"help-my-friend-expects-me-to-solve-all-his-problems","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/dear-gt\/help-my-friend-expects-me-to-solve-all-his-problems","title":{"rendered":"Help! My Friend Expects Me to Solve All His Problems"},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear GoodTherapy.org,<\/span><\/p>\n

I have a close friend who comes to me with all his problems, and sometimes I don\u2019t know how to help. Some small issues I can give advice on or help him out with. When he asks me about other, bigger things, such as work issues<\/a>, relationship issues<\/a>, or family issues<\/a>, I often really don\u2019t know what to do or say.<\/p>\n

He seems to depend on my advice, and if I say \u201cI\u2019m sorry, I don\u2019t know how I can help\u201d or tell him I don\u2019t have a lot of free time at the moment, he will often get irritated and say something like, \u201cWhatever. It doesn\u2019t matter anyway.\u201d Then I find myself trying to reassure him and find a way to help him, even though this takes time and effort I sometimes don\u2019t have.<\/p>\n

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He also has a tendency to fixate on things. I\u2019ll offer advice or a suggestion, and he seems to like it, but a few days later he will bring up the issue again, almost as if I said nothing at all. This is very frustrating. If my advice isn\u2019t working out, why doesn\u2019t he seek out someone else\u2019s opinion? I\u2019m only going to tell him the same thing again.<\/p>\n

This happens frequently. We talk most days, and it seems as if a week can\u2019t go by without him having some new problem he needs help with. I don\u2019t mind doing what I can to help, of course, but (1) sometimes it seems like that\u2019s all he wants to talk to me about and (2) I think he can solve most of his problems himself, if he would just give them a little more thought.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t think this is worth losing our friendship<\/a> over. We have come too far for that. I\u2019ve tried to raise the issue, but he hasn\u2019t seemed to hear what I\u2019m saying. And if I encourage him, saying, \u201cI\u2019m really not sure because I don\u2019t have a lot of experience in that. Try looking it up online!\u201d or something similar, he might respond with \u201cI\u2019m too dumb to figure this out\u201d or make other self-defeating remarks.<\/p>\n

Do you have any suggestions as to how I can bring this up and be heard? \u2014Frustrated Friend<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Frustrated Friend,<\/span><\/p>\n

It sounds like you have tried to set some boundaries with your friend and he is unwilling to hear or respect them. That raises the question for me as to what you are getting out of this friendship. You say you\u2019ve \u201ccome too far\u201d to lose your friendship, but something in this relationship is not working for you. If your friend is not willing to hear you, or responds with what sounds like emotionally manipulative statements, it may be time to reevaluate just how important this relationship is to you and how staying in it is serving you.<\/p>\n

Ultimately, if you choose to continue your friendship, it will be up to you to set and hold your boundaries; he is unlikely to change what he is asking of you. You mentioned that when you try to let him know you don\u2019t have answers or it isn\u2019t a good time, you wind up trying to reassure and help him anyhow. One way to stop having him asking for help you can\u2019t or don\u2019t want to give is to stop giving it. Hold firm to your boundary.<\/p>\n

Setting and holding boundaries can be uncomfortable. It is clear you want to be a good friend. Being a good friend does not mean consistently ignoring your needs, however.<\/span><\/p>\n

If the timing is an issue, let him know you aren\u2019t available at the moment, and provide a time that would work for you. He can respond with frustration or anger, but you do not have to give in. You can gently hold your ground and respond with caring. Let him know you are sorry he is struggling and that you will be able to help at another time. If you feel you aren\u2019t the one to help him, that the issues are beyond you, let him know that and then stick to it. If he makes self-deprecating remarks, you do not have to respond to them. When you have given him help and he returns with the same issues again and again, it\u2019s okay to let him know you don\u2019t have anything to add to what you\u2019ve already discussed.<\/p>\n

Setting and holding boundaries can be uncomfortable. It is clear you want to be a good friend. Being a good friend does not mean consistently ignoring your needs, however. Being a good friend means not letting resentment<\/a> build or having frustrations get in the way of your friendship. Being a good friend also means setting limits and not expecting your friend to take full responsibility for holding them.<\/p>\n

You will learn much about your friend and your friendship by how he responds to you when you do hold firm. It may open up a meaningful conversation about the kind of friendship you both want with each other and may even strengthen your friendship. If, however, he is unwilling to recognize your needs as legitimate or your boundaries as meaningful, if he responds to you in anger or with blame or manipulation<\/a>, I would encourage you to reconsider if this relationship is serving you in a meaningful way.<\/p>\n

As you consider all of this, you may want to get support from a counselor<\/a> who can help you identify what is keeping you in this relationship; help you implement strategies to set your limits; or, if you should choose to step back from the friendship, help you grieve the loss of what has been an important relationship.<\/p>\n

Best of luck,<\/p>\n

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC, responds to our latest reader-submitted Dear GoodTherapy.org question.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2592,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625,542],"tags":[387,522,674,41],"class_list":["post-34518","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","category-featured-articles","tag-communication-problems","tag-dear-gt","tag-friendship","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34518","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2592"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=34518"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34518\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=34518"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=34518"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=34518"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}