{"id":34488,"date":"2017-04-12T08:00:25","date_gmt":"2017-04-12T15:00:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=34488"},"modified":"2017-04-11T17:20:05","modified_gmt":"2017-04-12T00:20:05","slug":"inhale-pain-exhale-joy-how-tonglen-helps-create-unity-and-compassion","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/inhale-pain-exhale-joy-how-tonglen-helps-create-unity-and-compassion-0412175","title":{"rendered":"Inhale Pain, Exhale Joy: How Tonglen Helps Create Unity and Compassion"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Person“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”\u00a0\u2014<\/em>Dalai Lama<\/p>\n

Tonglen\u00a0is the Buddhist practice of giving and taking. More specifically, this practice involves taking in another’s pain as you inhale and exhaling your happiness<\/a> to them. Since it is not actually possibly to physically take someone’s discomfort and supplant it with your joy, this is an energetic and symbolic practice. Simultaneously, the practice of Tonglen fosters compassion for the self as a human who will experience what the Buddha called “life’s 10,000 joys and sorrows.”<\/p>\n

Not only does this practice cultivate compassion<\/a>, it also provides a reminder that, whether or not we see it, people deal with difficulty, pain, and hardship every day.\u00a0Thus, it helps\u00a0counter self-absorption by encouraging you to shift your focus to the challenges other people face.<\/p>\n

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When I first encountered Tonglen, and its instructions to breathe in the suffering of the world, I thought, “Are you kidding? As a psychotherapist, the last thing I need to do is to invite more pain into my life.” Of course, I was wrong. But\u00a0I didn’t realize this until after I read Pema Chodron’s Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change<\/a>. It was from this book\u00a0that I learned a way of practicing Tonglen that\u00a0did not bring me down but rather, gave me a sense of deep connection with others, increased my compassion, and paradoxically, calmed my body-mind.

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How Is Tonglen Practiced?<\/h2>\n

Chodron suggests you first make an effort to notice when you are feeling something disturbing, such as anxiety<\/a>, depression<\/a>, grief, anger<\/a>, physical pain, or anything that feels bad. Next, remember this: there are probably millions of other people feeling exactly what you are, dealing with similar challenges, and having to cope with them similarly. With this realization held in your mind, imagine you are first inhaling\u00a0compassion for yourself and these others\u00a0and then exhaling loving, healing energy to yourself and to them.<\/p>\n

This is not a Western practice, and at first it may feel awkward or forced. But as you keep at it, it will connect you to those others who are also facing life’s issues or transitions. In other words, everyone. Ever hear the joke about the Buddhist asking the hot dog vendor to “Make me one with everything”? Similarly, this practice can actually make you feel that indefinable oneness. No one is singling you out for misery. Everyone has joys and sorrows.<\/p>\n

By purposefully connecting with others you can not only get in touch with your shared humanity, you can bring a sense of connection and compassion into your everyday dealings. You can remember to use Tonglen when someone cuts you off on the road, when the grocery store clerk puts your eggs in the bottom of the bag, when friends disappoint you, or when family feels demanding. You understand and remember what it is like to have a bad day, to receive bad news, or to just feel cranky for no reason at all.<\/p>\n

Another practice I find especially helpful is called Just Like Me, though it is also known as commonalities practice. When you are faced with someone whose behavior really tests your patience and understanding, you say, “Just like me.”\u00a0No one is singling you out for misery. Everyone has joys and sorrows.<\/span><\/p>\n