{"id":34455,"date":"2017-04-10T06:00:15","date_gmt":"2017-04-10T13:00:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=34455"},"modified":"2017-04-06T15:35:32","modified_gmt":"2017-04-06T22:35:32","slug":"why-we-stay-in-relationships-that-hurt","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/why-we-stay-in-relationships-that-hurt-0410174","title":{"rendered":"Why We Stay in Relationships That Hurt"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"YoungKristen started our first therapy session by sharing her story:<\/p>\n

\u201cDave and I began having an affair three years ago. I know he loves me. Our chemistry is off the charts. He said his marriage had been dead for years. He stayed because of the kids. I accepted that at first.<\/p>\n

\u201cI couldn\u2019t have imagined our relationship would last this long. He was the first person I had sex with after my divorce<\/a>. I figured it was my transitional relationship. I never imagined I would be involved in a long-term affair<\/a>.<\/p>\n

\u201cIn the beginning, Dave and I agreed it would just be physical. My ex-husband and I hadn\u2019t had sex in years. Dave wasn\u2019t \u2018in love\u2019 with his wife; they were more like roommates, but he didn\u2019t want to leave his kids. Neither of us wanted emotional ties.<\/p>\n

\n\t

Find a Therapist<\/a><\/h2>\n\t
\n\n\t\t\t\n\n\n\t\t\t\n\t\tAdvanced Search<\/a>\n\t<\/form>\n<\/div>\n

\u201cWhen we met, there was an instant physical attraction; like nothing I\u2019ve ever felt before. I felt alive again. We tried to stop a few times, but couldn\u2019t stay away from each other, and eventually fell in love. Our connection is deeper than either of us felt in our marriages.<\/p>\n

\u201cHere we are three years later. I\u2019m tired of being \u2018the other woman.\u2019 I\u2019m tired of hiding our relationship. A year ago, Dave told me he would think about leaving, but nothing\u2019s changed. When we\u2019re together I feel excited and hopeful, but in between I never know when he\u2019ll call or when I\u2019ll see him again. I go back and forth between feeling loved and then let down. It hurts.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cWhat are you hoping for?\u201d<\/p>\n

Kristen: \u201cI want Dave to leave his wife so we can finally be together full-time. I know it won\u2019t be easy with his kids.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cWhy do you think you stay in a loving relationship that hurts so much?\u201d<\/p>\n

Kristen: \u201cBecause I love him and I know he loves me. We are truly soulmates.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cWhat makes you think he\u2019ll leave his wife, since you haven\u2019t seen any evidence of that?\u201d<\/p>\n

Kristen: \u201cThat\u2019s what he says. I believe him.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cEven though his actions don\u2019t match his words?\u201d<\/p>\n

Kristen: \u201cYes. I understand how hard it is for him.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cHave you thought he may be comfortable just the way things are? He has you, and he has his family.\u201d<\/p>\n

Kristen: \u201cI never thought about it like that.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cDo you see how you play a part in continuing the hurt by accepting his inaction?\u201d<\/p>\n

Kristen: \u201cYes, but I am afraid if I give him an ultimatum, he\u2019ll end our relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cKristen, what other significant person in your life loved you but came in and out? Who else was there for you and then disappeared?\u201d<\/p>\n

Kristen: \u201cMy dad. When I was 6 years old, he left my mom. He came to visit from time to time and would stay for a few days. Things seemed back to normal. Then he\u2019d leave again and I never knew when he would come back. I feared he would never return. He was unreliable, but I loved him.\u201d<\/p>\n

“We all observe and experience relational patterns growing up. What we see and feel in our families becomes imprinted in our hearts and minds. The way we give and receive love is patterned after our childhood experiences.”<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: \u201cI don\u2019t think it\u2019s a coincidence you have created the same relationship dynamic, in the present with Dave, that you experienced growing up. As a child, you loved a man who was there when he chose to be, but in between his presence was unpredictable. This is how you learned to love\u2014to take what you could get and not expect more; to hold back your feelings about his unreliability; and suppress your anger<\/a>, fear<\/a>, and sadness<\/a> about not being able to count on your dad. The result was love and pain became fused.\u201d<\/p>\n

Kristen: \u201cWow, I never thought about it like that. You\u2019re right. It does feels the same. Why would I do that to myself now?\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cWe all observe and experience relational patterns growing up. What we see and feel in our families becomes imprinted in our hearts and minds. The way we give and receive love is patterned after our childhood experiences. Those patterns feel familiar and safe, even when they hurt or leave us unfulfilled. They\u2019re all we know. If you met someone who was intimately available on a consistent basis, you might be overwhelmed. So instead, you connect with a partner who is inconsistent and create a dynamic you are used to.\u201d<\/p>\n

Kristen: \u201cThat\u2019s truly amazing. I never would have realized that. What now?\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cOnce we gain insight into our own patterns, it frees us to make different choices, sometimes difficult ones. Do you believe you deserve more?\u201d<\/p>\n

Kristen: \u201cYes, but what can I do? I can\u2019t force him to leave his wife.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cYou\u2019re right. You can only control what you do and say, what you tolerate, and what you accept.\u201d<\/p>\n

Kristen: \u201cIt\u2019s going to be hard for me to confront this, but I can see I need to.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cWe\u2019ll continue working on it together.\u201d<\/p>\n

Conclusion<\/h2>\n

What did you learn about giving and receiving love<\/a>? Ask yourself, \u201cIn what ways do my relationship difficulties mirror the issues I had in significant relationships growing up?\u201d This insight may help you understand more about yourself and support you in making healthier choices in your relationships<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Note:<\/strong> To protect confidentiality, names and other identifying information in the preceding article were altered.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

As this therapy vignette illustrates, unhealthy patterns learned in childhood are often repeated in adult relationships because they feel safe, if unfulfilling.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2391,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542,623],"tags":[384,41],"class_list":["post-34455","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","category-issues-treated","tag-infidelity-affair-recovery","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34455","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2391"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=34455"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34455\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=34455"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=34455"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=34455"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}