{"id":34073,"date":"2017-02-21T08:00:48","date_gmt":"2017-02-21T16:00:48","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=34073"},"modified":"2017-02-21T08:36:42","modified_gmt":"2017-02-21T16:36:42","slug":"silence-can-be-golden-talk-therapy-without-the-talking","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/silence-can-be-golden-talk-therapy-without-talking-0221175","title":{"rendered":"Silence Can Be Golden: Talk Therapy Without the Talking"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"AI love to talk. I can sit and watch one of those movies where nothing seems to happen except a bunch of people sitting around a room chatting. I can still be riveted because I love hearing ideas. I like words.<\/p>\n

But talk therapy<\/a> doesn\u2019t always mean a lot of talking. Sometimes it gets quiet in therapy, and that\u2019s okay.<\/p>\n

In fact, it can be good.<\/p>\n

If you think I\u2019m \u201ctalking\u201d out of both sides of my mouth here, it\u2019s probably because I\u2019ve written on this site about how talking about anything<\/a>, even if it\u2019s not something you think is related to your issue, can bring you to new realizations. It can open a door to your psyche<\/a>. It can make connections about why you do things that you might not have figured out without the winding, goal-less, meandering free chat.<\/p>\n

\n\t

Find a Therapist<\/a><\/h2>\n\t
\n\n\t\t\t\n\n\n\t\t\t\n\t\tAdvanced Search<\/a>\n\t<\/form>\n<\/div>\n

Yet, in some cases those words could obscure what\u2019s really going on. They may get in the way of some important feelings. In fact, talking can be the very defense we use to avoid having certain feelings.<\/p>\n

The Ultimate Therapy Clich\u00e9<\/h2>\n

\u201cHow are you feeling?\u201d<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a pretty clich\u00e9d therapy line. So much so that when I was a young therapist I told myself I\u2019d never say it. I didn\u2019t want to be compared to the long line of bad TV and movie therapists; I\u2019d have something much more insightful to offer.<\/p>\n

Ha.<\/p>\n

I soon realized that it\u2019s a clich\u00e9 because people often don\u2019t know what they\u2019re feeling.<\/p>\n

Sometimes the question is actually fairly stressful<\/a>, and for good reason. Some people spend so much time thinking and talking that they never really connect with what they are feeling<\/em>. If they are asked, \u201cHow are you feeling?\u201d the most honest answer they may be able to give is, \u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n

And that\u2019s fine. \u201cI don\u2019t know\u201d is always a fine answer. At least as a starting point. It can be a relief to say it. Correct: you don\u2019t<\/em> know. That\u2019s why you\u2019re here.<\/p>\n

And then \u2026 silence. And then you sit with that unnamed feeling.<\/p>\n

Finding the Feeling in the Silence<\/h2>\n

If you\u2019re a storyteller, then these are important, rich, and scary moments. It can be exasperating because you often really, really want to know. And I\u2019d love to tell you\u2014but I don\u2019t know how you feel, either. My tool is I\u2019m very aware of how I\u2019m<\/em> feeling when I\u2019m with you. And that can be helpful to share.<\/p>\n

Therapy is not a \u201cconversation.\u201d It\u2019s not a normal situation. It\u2019s a petri dish, an experiment, a place to look at the way we interact on a meta level. <\/span><\/p>\n

But in general, we need the silence so you can check in with yourself and see where that feeling is. Maybe it\u2019s in your body\u2014many physical sensations are signs of a feeling we\u2019re having before we\u2019re aware of it.<\/p>\n

Heck, the \u201canger management\u201d field is practically built on the idea that if we can sense that first sensation indicating we are angry<\/a> (tight stomach, hot face, clenching fists), we may be able to prevent ourselves from being taken over by an uncontrolled feeling expression.<\/p>\n

For my part, often if I have a headache, it\u2019s a signal I\u2019ve been feeling sad and I need to allow that feeling in. Sometimes the headache needs to pound to let me know I need to stop thinking, stop analyzing, stop talking\u2014and just feel.<\/p>\n

Why Silence in Therapy Is Different<\/h2>\n

Therapy is not a \u201cconversation.\u201d It\u2019s not a normal situation. It\u2019s a petri dish, an experiment, a place to look at the way we interact on a meta level. It\u2019s often pushing against what generally makes sense as to how we go about our lives. This is why it takes time to build trust with your therapist. It\u2019s so when you sit in silence, you can trust that you and your therapist are both still working. You\u2019re both allowing a process to unfold and occur and not know where it\u2019s going.<\/p>\n

The silence gives you time to connect with your therapist\u2014and then tell them<\/em>\u2014what you\u2019re feeling. Something like:<\/p>\n

    \n
  • \u201cWhen we\u2019re not talking, I get upset because I feel you\u2019re not helping me anymore.\u201d<\/li>\n
  • \u201cIf you don\u2019t talk, I feel like you\u2019re abandoning me. It makes me feel very alone.\u201d<\/li>\n
  • \u201cYou\u2019re getting paid for nothing! You must love it when we don\u2019t talk. What am I to you, just a cash cow?\u201d<\/li>\n
  • \u201cI don\u2019t know what to say. I\u2019m stuck.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

    How refreshing would it be to say that<\/em> to someone whose job it is to process it with you? It\u2019s a chance to better understand how you come across in an environment with someone who won\u2019t leave you.<\/p>\n

    Trust this part of the process.<\/p>\n

    Trust the silence. It can say so much.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Talk therapy doesn\u2019t have to mean you\u2019re always talking. Sometimes talk even gets in the way of the issue. So if you\u2019re not quite sure what to say, that\u2019s okay.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2883,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542],"tags":[31,49],"class_list":["post-34073","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-considering-psychotherapy"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34073","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2883"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=34073"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34073\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=34073"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=34073"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=34073"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}