{"id":34073,"date":"2017-02-21T08:00:48","date_gmt":"2017-02-21T16:00:48","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=34073"},"modified":"2017-02-21T08:36:42","modified_gmt":"2017-02-21T16:36:42","slug":"silence-can-be-golden-talk-therapy-without-the-talking","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/silence-can-be-golden-talk-therapy-without-talking-0221175","title":{"rendered":"Silence Can Be Golden: Talk Therapy Without the Talking"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"AI love to talk. I can sit and watch one of those movies where nothing seems to happen except a bunch of people sitting around a room chatting. I can still be riveted because I love hearing ideas. I like words.<\/p>\n

But talk therapy<\/a> doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t always mean a lot of talking. Sometimes it gets quiet in therapy, and that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s okay.<\/p>\n

In fact, it can be good.<\/p>\n

If you think I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m \u00e2\u20ac\u0153talking\u00e2\u20ac\u009d out of both sides of my mouth here, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s probably because I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve written on this site about how talking about anything<\/a>, even if it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not something you think is related to your issue, can bring you to new realizations. It can open a door to your psyche<\/a>. It can make connections about why you do things that you might not have figured out without the winding, goal-less, meandering free chat.<\/p>\n

[fat_widget_right]<\/p>\n

Yet, in some cases those words could obscure what\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s really going on. They may get in the way of some important feelings. In fact, talking can be the very defense we use to avoid having certain feelings.<\/p>\n

The Ultimate Therapy Clich\u00c3\u00a9<\/h2>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153How are you feeling?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a pretty clich\u00c3\u00a9d therapy line. So much so that when I was a young therapist I told myself I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d never say it. I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to be compared to the long line of bad TV and movie therapists; I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d have something much more insightful to offer.<\/p>\n

Ha.<\/p>\n

I soon realized that it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a clich\u00c3\u00a9 because people often don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know what they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re feeling.<\/p>\n

Sometimes the question is actually fairly stressful<\/a>, and for good reason. Some people spend so much time thinking and talking that they never really connect with what they are feeling<\/em>. If they are asked, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153How are you feeling?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d the most honest answer they may be able to give is, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

And that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s fine. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know\u00e2\u20ac\u009d is always a fine answer. At least as a starting point. It can be a relief to say it. Correct: you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t<\/em> know. That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s why you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re here.<\/p>\n

And then \u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 silence. And then you sit with that unnamed feeling.<\/p>\n

Finding the Feeling in the Silence<\/h2>\n

If you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re a storyteller, then these are important, rich, and scary moments. It can be exasperating because you often really, really want to know. And I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d love to tell you\u00e2\u20ac\u201dbut I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know how you feel, either. My tool is I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m very aware of how I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m<\/em> feeling when I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m with you. And that can be helpful to share.<\/p>\n

Therapy is not a \u00e2\u20ac\u0153conversation.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not a normal situation. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a petri dish, an experiment, a place to look at the way we interact on a meta level. <\/span><\/p>\n

But in general, we need the silence so you can check in with yourself and see where that feeling is. Maybe it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s in your body\u00e2\u20ac\u201dmany physical sensations are signs of a feeling we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re having before we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re aware of it.<\/p>\n

Heck, the \u00e2\u20ac\u0153anger management\u00e2\u20ac\u009d field is practically built on the idea that if we can sense that first sensation indicating we are angry<\/a> (tight stomach, hot face, clenching fists), we may be able to prevent ourselves from being taken over by an uncontrolled feeling expression.<\/p>\n

For my part, often if I have a headache, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a signal I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been feeling sad and I need to allow that feeling in. Sometimes the headache needs to pound to let me know I need to stop thinking, stop analyzing, stop talking\u00e2\u20ac\u201dand just feel.<\/p>\n

Why Silence in Therapy Is Different<\/h2>\n

Therapy is not a \u00e2\u20ac\u0153conversation.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not a normal situation. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a petri dish, an experiment, a place to look at the way we interact on a meta level. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s often pushing against what generally makes sense as to how we go about our lives. This is why it takes time to build trust with your therapist. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s so when you sit in silence, you can trust that you and your therapist are both still working. You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re both allowing a process to unfold and occur and not know where it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s going.<\/p>\n

The silence gives you time to connect with your therapist\u00e2\u20ac\u201dand then tell them<\/em>\u00e2\u20ac\u201dwhat you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re feeling. Something like:<\/p>\n

    \n
  • \u00e2\u20ac\u0153When we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not talking, I get upset because I feel you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not helping me anymore.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/li>\n
  • \u00e2\u20ac\u0153If you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t talk, I feel like you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re abandoning me. It makes me feel very alone.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/li>\n
  • \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re getting paid for nothing! You must love it when we don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t talk. What am I to you, just a cash cow?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/li>\n
  • \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know what to say. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m stuck.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

    How refreshing would it be to say that<\/em> to someone whose job it is to process it with you? It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a chance to better understand how you come across in an environment with someone who won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t leave you.<\/p>\n

    Trust this part of the process.<\/p>\n

    Trust the silence. It can say so much.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Talk therapy doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have to mean you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re always talking. Sometimes talk even gets in the way of the issue. So if you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not quite sure what to say, that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s okay.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2883,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542],"tags":[31,49],"class_list":["post-34073","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-considering-psychotherapy"],"acf":{"author_show":false,"author_name":"","author_role":"","author_avatar":null,"author_profile_url":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34073","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2883"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=34073"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34073\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=34073"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=34073"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=34073"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}