{"id":33895,"date":"2017-01-30T08:00:08","date_gmt":"2017-01-30T16:00:08","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=33895"},"modified":"2017-01-30T08:58:26","modified_gmt":"2017-01-30T16:58:26","slug":"recognizing-enmeshment-in-alienated-family-systems","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/recognizing-enmeshment-in-alienated-family-systems-0130175","title":{"rendered":"Recognizing Enmeshment in Alienated Family Systems"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"BlackEnmeshment, a family<\/a> dynamic that can be described as blurred boundaries between members, can make it difficult or impossible for a child to\u00a0develop an individual sense of self<\/a> because they are overly concerned about others. Family therapist Salvadore Minuchin<\/a> brought this concept to light in the 1970s, and the topic has become common in psychological discussion of late. But what exactly constitutes enmeshment? How does it develop? And how can it be addressed?<\/p>\n

Recognizing Enmeshment<\/h2>\n

Typically the roots of enmeshment<\/a> can be traced\u00a0back to parents<\/a> who over-identify with a child, a dynamic often\u00a0passed down through generations. Within this dynamic, boundaries are blurred\u2014and may even be viewed as undesirable\u2014and the parent may regard the child as an extension of the parent, rather than their own person, and treat them accordingly.<\/p>\n

As a result, children of enmeshed family systems often develop emotional ties that elicit confusion, and they may fail to develop\u00a0autonomy. An underdeveloped sense of autonomy may make it difficult for the child to act on desires that differ from the parent’s or lead a child to feel guilty when attempting to act on their own feelings. The enmeshed parent may also take it personally when a child attempts to demonstrate autonomy or independence, which can have a harmful impact on the child and the family dynamic overall.

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Enmeshment between a parent and child makes it difficult for\u00a0the emotions<\/a> of the child to be separated from the emotions of the parent. It can be said, then, that a child may take on emotional pain the parent carries\u00a0from enmeshment in their own family of origin<\/a>. This is not uncommon and is often done unconsciously\u2014a child does not realize they are taking on the parent’s emotional pain or that it is not theirs to carry.<\/p>\n

Another way of looking at it is to think in terms of “absorbing” the emotional pain of the parent. A parent who is projecting emotional pain is likely not consciously aware they are doing it but simply repeating the cycle that played out in their childhood.<\/p>\n

Avoiding Enmeshment<\/h2>\n

To avoid becoming enmeshed with their children, parents must have their own sense of purpose in life, their own hobbies and\u00a0passions separate from their children. A parent’s self-worth cannot rely\u00a0a child’s behavior or accomplishments.<\/span><\/p>\n

To avoid becoming enmeshed with their children, parents must have their own sense of purpose<\/a> in life, their own hobbies and\u00a0passions separate from their children. A parent’s self-worth cannot rely\u00a0a child’s behavior<\/a> or accomplishments. When one’s self-worth is defined by the\u00a0actions or choices of one’s child, the pressure on the child to perform, to fulfill expectations, becomes heavy and burdensome. A parent’s self-worth is not the child’s responsibility, and children who take on this charge, consciously or unconsciously, often fail to develop self-esteem<\/a> and\/or a sense of personal identity<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Children generally rely on their parents for support. But before a child can expect to receive this support, they generally need to know the parent is emotionally strong and that the parent will support the child as they are, not only as who the parent wants them to be. When a child is secure in this knowledge, they will typically feel\u00a0free to be themselves and to follow their own passions\u00a0without feeling responsible for a parent’s emotional pain or disappointment.<\/p>\n

In families affected by enmeshment, children may avoid seeking help\u00a0when they experience difficulty or dilemma in life, fearing that the parent will impose their own agenda rather than offer guidance and support. When parents model good self-care<\/a> habits, appropriate boundaries, and regulated emotions, on the other hand, children are more likely to desire to spend time with them, as opposed to when a child simply feels obligated to take care of their parent or manage their parent’s emotions. (Experiencing difficulty with dysregulated emotions? A therapist\u00a0can help<\/a>.)<\/p>\n

Addressing Enmeshment<\/h2>\n

What can parents do to address enmeshment? Seek the help of a qualified family therapist or counselor<\/a> if you recognize any of the following signs in your parent-child dynamic:<\/p>\n