{"id":33850,"date":"2017-01-24T06:00:03","date_gmt":"2017-01-24T14:00:03","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=33850"},"modified":"2017-01-19T14:07:40","modified_gmt":"2017-01-19T22:07:40","slug":"forgive-for-your-own-good-getting-past-your-grievances","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/forgive-for-your-own-good-getting-past-your-grievances-0124174","title":{"rendered":"Forgive for Your Own Good: Getting Past Your Grievances"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignleft size-medium wp-image-33857\" src=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/looking-out-at-sunset-300x200.jpg\" alt=\"Rear view of person in casual blouse with hair in ponytail looking out over city at sunset in a blue sky with a few clouds\" width=\"300\" height=\"200\" data-id=\"33857\" title=\"\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/looking-out-at-sunset-300x200.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/looking-out-at-sunset.jpg 724w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/>Do you have a grievance you think about more than the positive things in your life? If so, do you think the same, repetitive thoughts about it? Do you seek out people who will listen to you tell the same painful story many times? Does this story have a villain?<\/p>\n<p>If you recognize these patterns in yourself, maybe it is time to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/forgiveness\">forgive<\/a>.<\/p>\n<h2>Why Forgive?<\/h2>\n<p>When we hold on to hurt, we remain locked in an unhealthy bond that keeps the people in our lives from having all of who we are. Hurt also robs us of our personal strength. Left unresolved long enough, it can even develop into a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/helplessness\">victim story<\/a> that becomes part of our <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/identity-issues\">identity<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>Some research suggests forgiveness correlates with fewer <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/health-illness-medical-issues\">health problems<\/a> and less <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/stress\">stress<\/a> (Luskin, 2002).<\/p>\n<div class=\"content-fatwidget align-right\">\n\t<h2><a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/find-therapist.html\" target=\"_blank\">Find a Therapist<\/a><\/h2>\n\t<form action=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/search-redirect.html\" method=\"get\">\n\n\t\t\t<input required name=\"search[zipcode]\" placeholder=\"Enter ZIP or City\" class=\"inline-input\" type=\"text\" \/>\n\n\n\t\t\t<input type=\"submit\" name=\"TOS agreement\" value=\" \" class=\"inline-btn\" title=\"Search\" onclick=\"ga('send', 'event', 'FAT Widget', 'Submit Search', 'Sidebar', {nonInteraction: true});\" \/>\n\t\t<a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/advanced-search.html\" title=\"Advanced Search\" onclick=\"ga('send', 'event', 'FAT Widget', 'Advanced Search', 'Sidebar', {nonInteraction: true});\" >Advanced Search<\/a>\n\t<\/form>\n<\/div>\n<h2>What Is Forgiveness?<\/h2>\n<p>Some question what forgiveness is and is not. According to Dr. Frederic Luskin, author of the 2002 book <a href=\"http:\/\/amzn.to\/2jDOxaO\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noopener\">Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness<\/a>, forgiveness is:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Taking back your power<\/li>\n<li>Taking responsibility for your feelings<\/li>\n<li>For you and your healing, not the offender<\/li>\n<li>A choice<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Per Luskin, forgiveness is not:<\/p>\n<div class=\"greyBorderDiv right amazonAffiliate\">This page contains at least one affiliate link for the Amazon Services\n\tLLC Associates Program, which means GoodTherapy.org receives financial compensation if you make a purchase using an Amazon link.<\/div>\n<ul>\n<li>Excusing bad behavior or unkindness<\/li>\n<li>Minimizing or denying your pain<\/li>\n<li>Forgetting a painful event happened<\/li>\n<li>Reconciling with the offender<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Focus on the personal aspect of a hurt often comes from our beliefs and expectations that were not met. Luskin (2002) shares some common beliefs and expectations he refers to as \u201cunenforceable rules\u201d:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>My partner must be faithful.<\/li>\n<li>No one should ever lie to me.<\/li>\n<li>People must treat me the way I want to be treated.<\/li>\n<li>My life should be easier than it is.<\/li>\n<li>Life should be fair.<\/li>\n<li>My parents should have done a better job.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2>Challenge Unenforceable Rules<\/h2>\n<p>Forgiveness centers on giving back peace of mind. It prevents a past hurt from determining a negative future. Luskin (2002) offers the following steps to address unenforceable rules:<\/p>\n<p><span class=\"popout-quote-left\" style=\"font-weight: bold; width: 30%; float: left;\">A big part of forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be anything other than what it was.<\/span><\/p>\n<ol>\n<li>Acknowledge your feelings: confusion, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/anger\">anger<\/a>, indignation, etc. Ask yourself if you are experiencing feelings in the present over events in the past.<\/li>\n<li>Concede that you feel bad because your expectations were not met.<\/li>\n<li>Give yourself the grace to challenge the unenforceable rule underlying your hurt.<\/li>\n<li>Identify the unenforceable rule. What is the experience in your life that you demanded to be different?<\/li>\n<li>Change the unenforceable rule you demanded into something you hoped to get. Express it in positive terms. \u201cI wanted a partner who did not cheat on me\u201d is different from \u201cI wanted a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/monogamy\">monogamous<\/a> partnership.\u201d The latter is a positive expression.<\/li>\n<li>Notice what changes for yourself when your demands change to hopes. Do you feel more peaceful?<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<h2>HEAL<\/h2>\n<p>Luskin (2002) further offers a HEAL (hope, educate, affirm, long-term) method to help forgive:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Hope:<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/what-is-hope\">Hope<\/a> statements remind us of what we wished went our way. They remind us of life\u2019s uncertainty. They are a statement of power when we understand not all our hopes manifest. They declare we will continue to hope for good things to happen.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Educate:<\/strong> This is to remind us there are limits to what we control and we don\u2019t always get what we want.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Affirm:<\/strong> Affirm your positive intention. For example: \u201cI want to use my experiences to be a more <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/definition-of-compassion\">compassionate<\/a> person.\u201d This reminds us that we can grow from any hurtful experience. Consider repeating the intention to yourself.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Long-Term:<\/strong> Make a long-term commitment to healing and well-being. Practice the HEAL steps. Set aside 15 minutes each day to mull over the grievance and write about your feelings for a period of time. Ask someone close to let you know if you slide into old <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/habit\">habits<\/a> and repeat the grievance story. What else could you do to take care of yourself? Would counseling, an exercise program, or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/parenting\">parenting<\/a> classes help?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>A big part of forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be anything other than what it was. It is important to acknowledge the feelings that come with an injustice, but also to not remain locked in them. If you have tried to forgive and not been successful, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/find-therapist.html\">a therapist can help you<\/a> process a grievance.<\/p>\n<p>Something happened that we did not want to happen, or something did not happen that we wanted to happen. Forgiveness is the power we receive as we assert that we have a well of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/resilience\">resilience<\/a> to draw upon. It gives us the chance to rewrite a story about a victim into a story about a hero (Luskin, 2002).<\/p>\n<p><strong>Reference:<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Luskin, F. (2002). <em>Forgive for Good<\/em>. New York, NY: HarperCollins.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Holding on to grievances can keep you locked into a victim story that, over time, becomes part of your identity. Here\u2019s a blueprint for forgiveness and healing.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3014,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542],"tags":[231,31,432,25],"class_list":["post-33850","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","tag-anger","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-forgiveness","tag-psychotherapy-issues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/33850","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3014"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=33850"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/33850\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=33850"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=33850"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=33850"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}