{"id":33664,"date":"2016-12-23T08:00:23","date_gmt":"2016-12-23T16:00:23","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=33664"},"modified":"2019-07-24T11:13:00","modified_gmt":"2019-07-24T18:13:00","slug":"help-im-worried-about-my-childs-aggressive-play","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/dear-gt\/help-im-worried-about-my-childs-aggressive-play","title":{"rendered":"Help! I’m Worried About My Child’s Aggressive Play"},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear GoodTherapy.org,<\/span><\/p>\n

My 5-year-old is a generally happy<\/a> and sweet kid, but I have been noticing lately that her play can get pretty violent. She can be aggressive<\/a> sometimes and say things like, \u201cLet\u2019s pretend to punch each other.\u201d When we play together, she wants there to be \u201cgood guys\u201d and \u201cbad guys\u201d and have them fight\u2014and sometimes kill\u2014each other. She builds guns and other weapons with Legos and uses them to have fights with her toys, gleefully informing me when one or another of her toys \u201cdies.\u201d<\/p>\n

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Her dad and I don\u2019t let her watch violent shows, so I don\u2019t know where she is getting this\u2014from other kids at school or from watching shows at her grandparents\u2019 house, maybe? I\u2019m worried whatever exposure she\u2019s getting to weapons and violence is going to be harmful. I\u2019ve tried to talk with her about it, but I\u2019m not sure I\u2019m using the right words. It\u2019s really difficult for me to hear her play-act violence without saying anything, but I don\u2019t want her to think she\u2019s being “bad,” because I know she isn\u2019t. How can I talk to her about this? \u2014Puzzled Parent<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Puzzled Parent,<\/span><\/p>\n

As a therapist, I want to let you know that this experience is common, and, actually, developmentally appropriate. As a parent, however, I remember being concerned myself when my happy (sheltered) kid started playing in this way. It may be that your daughter is hearing or watching kids on the playground, or perhaps has seen shows, but often it is hard to pinpoint a specific source of inspiration. Many kids, at some point, explore themes of aggression, violence, and death through their play.<\/p>\n

I think in all of this it can be helpful to remember the true function of play. Children<\/a> play to explore their world, to experience in fantasy things they might not experience in real life, and to try things out safely. It is not unusual for kids, particularly rule-following kids, to embrace the role of \u201cbad guy\u201d in their play. For young children who are not often in control of their world, what greater relief and excitement is there than to play-act as the ultimate rule-breakers? Also, children are naturally curious about life and death and how everything works. Play-acting the death of their toys is one way they process safely any fears<\/a> or concerns they might have or try to make a big concept feel controllable.<\/p>\n

The glee you describe in your little girl may simply be a reflection of the joy of being in complete control of her universe. She is all-powerful. How fun is that? As long as these impulses are expressed through play and not manifesting in aggressive, hurtful behavior beyond playtime, there is likely little to be concerned about.<\/span><\/p>\n

There\u2019s also a somewhat innate destructive urge that can be seen in any toddler on a beach relishing their demolition of a sand castle. The glee you describe in your little girl may simply be a reflection of the joy of being in complete control of her universe. She is all-powerful. How fun is that? As long as these impulses are expressed through play and not manifesting in aggressive, hurtful behavior beyond playtime, there is likely little to be concerned about.<\/p>\n

You are right not to want her to think she is being \u201cbad\u201d by engaging in this play. One helpful approach is to express curiosity. For example, you might ask her why she wants to pretend to \u201cpunch each other.\u201d You can engage in some complicated, choreographed, slow-motion \u201cfights\u201d that could actually be fun and enjoyable for both of you, while talking with her about why you would never actually harm each other in real life. You can also ask her what happens to a toy when it \u201cdies\u201d and explore her understanding of what that means. Asking her to tell you what it means to be a \u201cbad guy\u201d or a \u201cgood guy\u201d can give you some insight into her developing sense of morality\u2014and even if she chooses to be the \u201cbad guy\u201d in play, that doesn\u2019t mean she actually embraces the dark side.<\/p>\n

It is natural as a parent to worry<\/a> about all that our children will be exposed to when they are not in our care, and yet, as they get older, more and more of their time will be spent beyond the walls of our homes. We can\u2019t prevent them from hearing and seeing things we might not like. What we can do is equip them to handle their experiences. Ongoing conversations about what we believe is important, how we believe we should treat people, and what impact our words and actions have on others around us can help our children navigate the various messages they receive.<\/p>\n

If your child remains generally happy, sweet, loving, and able to express empathy<\/a>, it is likely she is using this play in healthy, developmentally appropriate ways. It is also likely a phase that will pass. If, however, you see some concerning behaviors going beyond the scope of play, you may want to consult with a child therapist<\/a> to address those concerns. Your child\u2019s teacher can also be a great source of information about how your daughter\u2019s behavior at school compares with what you see at home, as well putting it in context with the other 5-year-olds in her school.<\/p>\n

Best of luck,<\/p>\n

Erika<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC, responds to our latest reader-submitted Dear GoodTherapy.org question.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2592,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625,542],"tags":[425,21,522,51,25],"class_list":["post-33664","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","category-featured-articles","tag-aggression-violence","tag-child-and-adolescent-issues","tag-dear-gt","tag-healthy-parenting","tag-psychotherapy-issues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/33664","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2592"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=33664"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/33664\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=33664"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=33664"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=33664"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}