{"id":33273,"date":"2016-11-04T08:00:23","date_gmt":"2016-11-04T15:00:23","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=33273"},"modified":"2016-11-03T12:53:35","modified_gmt":"2016-11-03T19:53:35","slug":"my-partner-is-an-addict-should-i-leave","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/dear-gt\/my-partner-is-an-addict-should-i-leave","title":{"rendered":"My Partner Is an Addict. Should I Leave?"},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear GoodTherapy.org,<\/span><\/p>\n

First of all, my partner does not hit, abuse, or commit any acts of violence<\/a> toward me. It’s the main reason I haven’t left yet. I’m writing because I’m curious whether addiction alone is a valid justification for leaving.<\/p>\n

I’ve heard of the “three A’s” (abuse<\/a>, addiction<\/a>, and affairs<\/a>) that are warning signs and signals a relationship<\/a> is in trouble. And I know everyone probably thinks their case is special, or that their lover is different than anyone else who abuses, cheats, or develops an addiction. I am aware the cards are stacked against me. So how does an optimistic person weigh all of those “givens” and make a choice about the future of a relationship?<\/p>\n

\n\t

Find a Therapist for Addiction<\/a><\/h2>\n\t
\n\n\t\t\t\t\n\n\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\n\t\tAdvanced Search<\/a>\n\t<\/form>\n<\/div>\n

I have so much hope that my boyfriend will realize one day soon the strain his alcoholism<\/a> puts on his health, our finances, and the plans we make. I catch glimpses of this realization occasionally when he sobers up (briefly). He has agreed to get help once or twice, but it never lasts. We’ve known each other for over a decade, and I loved the person I met all those years ago! I’m exhausted and sick of being the one person to try to remind him who he was.<\/p>\n

Am I foolish for holding out hope that he will one day be that person again? Is there a chance I could get him the help he needs? \u2014Hoping Against Hope<\/strong><\/p>\n

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist<\/a><\/p>\n

Dear Hoping,<\/span><\/p>\n

Thank you for writing, and I\u2019m sorry you\u2019re in such a difficult situation.<\/p>\n

The short answer to your first question (is addiction a valid reason for leaving?) is yes, with this caveat: it\u2019s not so much the \u201caddiction,\u201d per se, but your boyfriend\u2019s \u201cstraining\u201d behavior (as you put it) while under the influence.<\/p>\n

Your excellent question also signals one of the reasons living with an addicted partner is difficult: the dual nature of the person\u2019s personality<\/a> (sober versus not sober). It\u2019s like living with two people, but only you know it. When something this distressing is unacknowledged, a person can start to feel like they\u2019re losing their mind. This lack of acknowledgment of your experience creates a sense of isolation<\/a> that is itself is a form of abuse, where \u201ccrazy\u201d starts to feel\u00a0normalized or we become numb to it\u2014until it grabs our attention again and we ask ourselves, \u201cWhy the hell do I put up with this?\u201d<\/p>\n

Except it\u2019s hard to say \u201cget lost\u201d to the sober version of the person we care about. That version may show remorse, contrition, regret, etc., a stark contrast to the non-sober version\u2019s selfish, mean, and spiteful behavior. Episodes of the latter are often forgotten or downplayed by the sober version, perhaps accompanied by an apology that rings rather hollow.<\/p>\n

You have an extremely difficult decision to make, and for that you may need support. You can look for Al-Anon<\/a> meetings\u2014highly recommended\u2014near you by doing an internet search. There are also online support groups, books on living with an addicted partner, and so on. There are also highly trained and skilled counselors and therapists who specialize in addiction and living with an addicted partner. I urge you to get support before you make any big decisions.<\/p>\n

Some prefer meetings to therapy; with others it\u2019s the other way around. I find that a combination of therapy and meetings can be most helpful. In meetings, we find others who can relate to us, to cut down on that soul-wrenching isolation, shame<\/a>, and other pain.<\/p>\n

Addiction puts everyone, including the addicted person, in a no-win situation. Just as someone with alcoholism can\u2019t seem to live with or without the bottle, you love your boyfriend but can\u2019t live with or without him. Leaving and <\/em>staying are difficult. <\/span><\/p>\n

Addiction puts everyone, including the addicted person, in a no-win situation. Just as someone with alcoholism can\u2019t seem to live with or without the bottle, you love your boyfriend but can\u2019t live with or without him. Leaving and <\/em>staying are difficult. There is no \u201cright thing to do,\u201d necessarily. Even partners who are physically abused (men included) can find it terribly difficult to leave; it is hard to leave someone we love, especially if we have a history of tolerating emotional abuse<\/a>, relational chaos, or trauma<\/a>. (We often cannot help being attracted to what is familiar.)<\/p>\n

You would not be shamefully \u201cdumb\u201d to stay, nor shamefully \u201cselfish\u201d to leave. In fact, sometimes it is such a gamble that jars the addicted person back to reality. It is usually action, not just talk, that gets a partner\u2019s attention.<\/p>\n

Some might suggest it\u2019s important to have compassion<\/a> for the addicted person, and I would agree\u2014to a point. Have compassion, yes, but also set boundaries against hurtful behavior you have nothing to do with and cannot influence.<\/p>\n

A good therapist can help you do the painful work of taking care of yourself<\/a>. We can feel guilty or neglectful if we set boundaries and look after ourselves, especially when an addicted person under the influence lashes out at us for \u201cignoring\u201d them. But as with a child in tantrum, consistent and firm limits are important.<\/p>\n

My usual advice to people in your situation\u2014barring anything life-threatening or physically injurious\u2014is to take very small but manageable baby steps. For instance, telling your partner (while he\u2019s sober), in as neutral a way as possible, what behaviors are hurtful to you, and what you can and cannot tolerate. Start small. Example: \u201cI need to talk to you. Is this a good time?\u201d If not, \u201cWhen is good? Tonight at dinner?\u201d Then, at the right time: \u201cI don\u2019t mean to criticize, and this is a little hard to say, but please stop lashing out at me late at night. It really hurts.\u201d You might add, if the hint is not obvious enough, \u201cYou seem more angry and attacking when you drink.\u201d Again, try to stay with a neutral tone with a focus on your own pain rather than your partner. Other-focused comments such as, \u201cBoy, you\u2019re one angry drunk,\u201d or, \u201cWhen are you going to stop drinking like a fish?\u201d are unlikely to lead in a positive direction.<\/p>\n

One can argue facts, but not feelings. If a partner is unwilling to listen to feelings, consistently stonewalls, or becomes defensive, then the relationship is in trouble\u2014addictive behavior or no addictive behavior.<\/p>\n

If your partner says, \u201cWell, you hurt me too! Stop being so critical!\u201d you can say, \u201cOkay, I\u2019m willing to hear feedback too. Can we both agree to do some work on this together?\u201d If you are both struggling with this, relationship counseling<\/a> can greatly help. The point is to work toward peace and productive communication, not the same old cycle over and over again. Some people reading this might say, \u201cWhy is it up to me?<\/em> I\u2019m not the addicted person here.\u201d To which I would say, quoting Al-Anon, \u201cDo you want to be right? Or do you want to feel safer and happier in your relationship?\u201d<\/p>\n

If these conversations go nowhere, and if efforts to get outside help fail, then perhaps leaving becomes the only realistic option. Again, sending a firm message\u2014I cannot tolerate such hurtful behavior<\/em>\u2014is crucial. Though difficult, making such a decision may do wonders for your self-esteem<\/a> and sense of empowerment. It may also trigger sadness<\/a> or grief<\/a>.<\/p>\n

I wish you the best of luck, and again reiterate that you are not alone. Please seek support<\/a>. Admitting a need for help\u2014for you or for a loved one you can\u2019t seem to get through to\u2014is often the bravest thing a person can do.<\/p>\n

Kind regards,<\/p>\n

Darren<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Darren Haber, MA, MFT, responds to our latest reader-submitted Dear GoodTherapy.org question.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1061,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625,542],"tags":[447,522,141,25,41],"class_list":["post-33273","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","category-featured-articles","tag-addictions-compulsions","tag-dear-gt","tag-addiction-drug-alcohol","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/33273","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1061"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=33273"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/33273\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=33273"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=33273"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=33273"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}