{"id":33256,"date":"2016-11-09T06:00:07","date_gmt":"2016-11-09T14:00:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=33256"},"modified":"2023-12-22T17:21:25","modified_gmt":"2023-12-22T22:21:25","slug":"mother-daughter-bffs-walking-the-fine-line-of-enmeshment","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/mother-daughter-bffs-walking-fine-line-of-enmeshment-1107164","title":{"rendered":"Mother-Daughter BFFs: Walking the Fine Line of Enmeshment"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Seated,Within the past several decades, a shift has been observed in the relationship patterns of many mothers and daughters. Many seem to have abandoned the traditional hierarchy of\u00a0parent and child for a relationship of equals, identifying with each other more as “best friends.” BFF (“best friends forever”) mothers embrace their daughters’ lives, sharing them and, at times, walking in their footsteps.<\/p>\n

A\u00a0close, friendly mother-daughter relationship is not in itself a cause for concern. But when the boundaries of the relationship become blurred, this can lead to confusion regarding the distinct responsibilities and obligations, of both parent and child, over what behaviors are acceptable within the context of the relationship. This confusion may, in turn, may lead to behavior unrestricted by limits, on the part of either mother or daughter.<\/p>\n

The New Mother-Daughter Relationship<\/strong><\/h2>\n

Research has attempted to explain and explore the variables contributing to these mother-daughter best friend relationships. Authors Linda Perlman Gordon and Susan Morris Shaffer describe in their book,\u00a0Too Close for Comfort: Questioning the Intimacy of Today’s New Mother-Daughter Relationship<\/a>,\u00a0what is referred to as a generation overlap, an intersection of lives that differs from anything seen in previous generations. Mothers and daughters today may shop at the same stores, utilize the same new technology, participate in the same social media apps (and possibly have some of the same friends or followers), and listen to the same music.\u00a0\u00a0

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Some believe this generation overlap, and mother-daughter relationships in general, are made easier by a youth-fixated culture. In the article “My Mom Is My BFF,”\u00a0Paige Williams writes\u00a0of a stay-young revolution, where women are enticed and encouraged\u2014some might\u00a0say pressured\u2014to think, act, and look young. \u00a0With the widespread availability and broad variety of technology and resources that promise to preserve youth, many mothers may find it fairly simple to recapture their years of young adulthood<\/a>. And who better to morph with than a daughter, the one who likely most closely resembles their teenage selves?<\/p>\n

Having their worlds so closely intertwined has made friendships<\/a> between mothers and daughters more common than in generations past, something that is not necessarily harmful. After all, who doesn\u2019t want a loving and caring relationship with their mother?<\/p>\n

But these friendships may blur the distinctions between parent and child.\u00a0If mother and daughter are best friends, what happens when the mother tries to parent<\/a>, to speak out as a mother rather than a friend? Where do the lines get drawn? The\u00a0danger of opting for the BFF\u00a0route appears to lie in its potential to minimize, as well as distort, the parent-child\u00a0relationship. When mothers and daughters are “besties” first and parent and child second, the maternal role\u2014providing direction, support, and the tools needed to become a confident, self-sufficient adult\u2014may be in jeopardy.<\/p>\n

Mothers, Daughters, and Dating<\/h2>\n

Mothers and daughters who enjoy a close bond may share many details about their personal lives, dating details among them.<\/p>\n

The dating world has always offered any number of challenges, among them the various rules, cultural norms, and aspects of etiquette often applied to dating individuals, particularly women. Some of these customs\u00a0differ little from those of generations past, while others may be vastly different or newly established. In many cases, mothers may guide their daughters, using experience to navigate new challenges, as they also struggle with the unspoken rules of dating in a society that may encourage and expect them to balance a semblance of youth with the maternal role.<\/p>\n

The current age of reality TV, smartphones, and social media give the term “being connected”\u00a0a deeper level of meaning, in terms of dating. These technological advances have been shown to impact the development and progression of romantic relationships<\/a>, but can they also contribute to the development of mother-daughter enmeshment?<\/p>\n

Communication<\/a> patterns between dating young adults today may in some cases differ significantly from those of the previous few decades, and parental involvement in teen and young adult relationships may be both more limited and more casual.\u00a0Mothers who are friends with their daughters, or who want to be, may try to avoid setting strict rules, whether out of simple trust<\/a> and support or in order to maintain their daughters’ good favor.<\/p>\n

This may lead some mothers to work to become friends with their daughters’ dating partners. Some mothers may even come to act as “surrogate girlfriends,” displaying behavior that is friendly and supportive but may eventually\u00a0cross the line into impropriety, even as it undermines the significance of their duties as a parent.<\/p>\n

Mothers who assume a \u2018surrogate girlfriend\u2019 role\u00a0may:<\/p>\n