{"id":33137,"date":"2016-10-19T08:00:17","date_gmt":"2016-10-19T15:00:17","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=33137"},"modified":"2016-10-18T17:58:13","modified_gmt":"2016-10-19T00:58:13","slug":"change-without-shame-exploring-the-arousal-template","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/change-without-shame-exploring-the-arousal-template-1019165","title":{"rendered":"Change Without Shame: Exploring the Arousal Template"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Close-upAt times, the people I work with in therapy ask\u00a0questions that lead to rich exploration of their intimate lives. Years ago, Marty (not his real name) burst into my office wondering, \u201cWhy is it easier for me to talk to my friends about past sexual experiences than it is to talk about what really\u2014secretly\u2014turns me on?\u201d<\/p>\n

I laughed and reminded him it had taken a long time before he\u2019d been willing to talk about what I call his \u201carousal template\u201d with me, and we were only just beginning to explore it.<\/p>\n

My focus has never been on the sexual performance\u2014how long, how much, or how many\u2014of those I see in therapy.\u00a0Instead, I focus on the shame<\/a>– and judgment-free acceptance\u00a0and appreciation of\u00a0the\u00a0arousal template, or what my colleague Jack Morin calls our\u00a0core erotic theme (CET). (This may be why a high percentage of the individuals I work with\u00a0actually prefer to conduct sessions by phone.)<\/p>\n

When Marty and I\u00a0began our work together, his CET was well hidden. He sought me out when his wife insisted he call a therapist\u00a0when she discovered, to her horror, hundreds of file folders filled with pictures Marty had cut out from magazines. These cutouts all depicted\u00a0parts of the female body.\u00a0When he showed me the folders, I noted that\u00a0they were not all of nude bodies\u2014many of\u00a0the bodies portrayed in the images were clothed.\u00a0Each was carefully cut from magazines such as\u00a0Playboy and mounted on black paper.\u00a0

\n\t

Find a Therapist for Sex \/ Sexuality<\/a><\/h2>\n\t
\n\n\t\t\t\t\n\n\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\n\t\tAdvanced Search<\/a>\n\t<\/form>\n<\/div><\/p>\n

Marty’s wife, who thought her findings meant he was addicted to sex<\/a>, blamed the pictures on the demise of their sexual relationship. But when I asked him how often he was masturbating while looking at the images, after he explained to me that he and his wife had stopped being sexually intimate, he looked startled.<\/p>\n

“Not at all,” he told me. “I do have some fantasies, but my cutouts help …” He paused\u00a0before telling me\u00a0he liked to organize them because they made him “not think.”<\/p>\n

I reminisced about how I had really loved stamp collecting during my childhood\u00a0in a household affected by alcoholism<\/a>.<\/p>\n

He beamed. “It’s soothing, isn’t it?”<\/p>\n

Collecting stamps was my personal mood-altering experience. Collecting and arranging photographs was Marty\u2019s.<\/p>\n

We began to talk about what sex meant for him and explore the ways\u00a0it could enrich his life and his relationship<\/a> with his wife, whom he loved dearly. Together we began to cultivate an atmosphere of what I call compassionate curiosity. \u00a0I shared with him the idea that we are all\u00a0sensuous and sexual as babies, that we\u00a0become<\/em> erotic as we receive and experience messages about ourselves from our parents<\/a> or primary caregivers. Gradually, we incorporate these messages with our own experience of touch and the profoundly personal emotions<\/a> that go along with it.\u00a0Through this process, we develop our\u00a0CET.<\/p>\n

Marty laughed. \u201cIt\u2019s not just what we do or don\u2019t do in bed, then, is it?\u201d<\/p>\n

I agreed. \u201cWhat you and I get to do here is explore your erotic landscape in its entirety, because your CET has a profound effect on the difficulties you\u2019re experiencing in your marriage right now, doesn’t it?\u201d<\/p>\n

He nodded. We discussed some of the particular childhood challenges that may have formed a blueprint for arousal that then wrought havoc when it fused with the loneliness<\/a> and isolation<\/a> he had experienced throughout most of his life.\u00a0As Marty began to understand, accept, and even embrace his CET, he stopped judging and criticizing himself, and his fear<\/a> diminished.\u00a0People who struggle with sexual patterns that distress them usually want to change these patterns, but the conflicts they hope to resolve can produce hurricane levels of anxiety.<\/span><\/p>\n

Marty began reaching out to his wife, who had remained suspicious, and they were able to reconcile. Recently, I received a photo they had\u00a0taken together in Bali with the words, \u201cPassion grows, though my hair no longer does!\u201d<\/p>\n

Changing Sexual Patterns<\/h2>\n

Change is essential to the erotic adventure, but the difficult erotic patterns are often the most resistant\u00a0to change. As Buddhist wisdom teaches, \u201cWhat we resist, persists.\u201d What we struggle against becomes stronger. And troublesome arousal templates can trip us up!<\/p>\n

People who struggle with sexual patterns<\/a> that distress them usually want to change these patterns, but the conflicts they hope to resolve can produce hurricane levels of anxiety<\/a>. Many of those who are challenged\u00a0by erotic themes they find problematic often feel compelled to repeat them. And repeat them. And repeat them.<\/p>\n

In The Erotic Mind<\/em>,\u00a0Morin identifies what he calls seven pivotal steps that lead to positive change:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Clarify your goals and motivations.<\/li>\n
  2. Cultivate self-affirmation<\/li>\n
  3. Navigate the gray zone.<\/li>\n
  4. Acknowledge and mourn your losses<\/a>.<\/li>\n
  5. Come to your senses.<\/li>\n
  6. Risk the unfamiliar<\/li>\n
  7. Integrate your discoveries<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    The only way out is often through.<\/p>\n

    Reference:<\/strong><\/p>\n

    Morin, J. (1995).\u00a0The erotic mind: Unlocking the inner sources of sexual passion and fulfillment.<\/em>\u00a0New York, NY: Harper Perennial.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    When sexual patterns become distressing or challenging, discussing them with a sex therapist may help, as exploring one’s arousal template can lead to change.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1044,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542],"tags":[31,25,139],"class_list":["post-33137","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-sex-therapy"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/33137","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1044"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=33137"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/33137\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=33137"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=33137"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=33137"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}