{"id":33072,"date":"2016-10-13T06:00:59","date_gmt":"2016-10-13T13:00:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=33072"},"modified":"2017-10-02T12:11:07","modified_gmt":"2017-10-02T19:11:07","slug":"is-it-domestic-violence-if-i-am-not-being-hit","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/is-it-domestic-violence-if-i-am-not-being-hit-1013164","title":{"rendered":"Is It Domestic Violence If I Am Not Being Hit?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignleft size-medium wp-image-35919\" src=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/rear-view-of-person-hoodie-grayscale-300x200.jpg\" alt=\"Grayscale photo of person in hoodie looking out toward city\" width=\"300\" height=\"200\" title=\"\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/rear-view-of-person-hoodie-grayscale-300x200.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/rear-view-of-person-hoodie-grayscale.jpg 724w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/>Many people struggle to understand how our culture defines <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/domestic-violence\">domestic violence<\/a>. Some believe that to constitute domestic violence, a person must be beaten or violently struck in some way. However, domestic violence behaviors do not necessarily include physical assault. While it may include <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/sexual-abuse\">sexual<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/emotional-abuse\">emotional<\/a>, and\/or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/physical-abuse\">physical abuse<\/a>, the most consistent component of a domestic violence relationship is an ongoing effort to maintain <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/right-use-of-power\">power<\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/control-issues\">control<\/a> over one\u2019s partner.<\/p>\n<p>The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (2016) lists several abusive behaviors that are earmarks of domestic violence:<\/p>\n<div class=\"content-fatwidget align-right\">\n\t<h2><a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/find-therapist.html\" target=\"_blank\">Find a Therapist<\/a><\/h2>\n\t<form action=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/search-redirect.html\" method=\"get\">\n\n\t\t\t<input required name=\"search[zipcode]\" placeholder=\"Enter ZIP or City\" class=\"inline-input\" type=\"text\" \/>\n\n\n\t\t\t<input type=\"submit\" name=\"TOS agreement\" value=\" \" class=\"inline-btn\" title=\"Search\" onclick=\"ga('send', 'event', 'FAT Widget', 'Submit Search', 'Sidebar', {nonInteraction: true});\" \/>\n\t\t<a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/advanced-search.html\" title=\"Advanced Search\" onclick=\"ga('send', 'event', 'FAT Widget', 'Advanced Search', 'Sidebar', {nonInteraction: true});\" >Advanced Search<\/a>\n\t<\/form>\n<\/div>\n<ul>\n<li>Frequently accusing one\u2019s partner of lying and\/or cheating: \u201cYou were 15 minutes late getting home. Who were you having sex with?\u201d<\/li>\n<li>Controlling finances. For example, the abusive person may make eight times the wage their partner earns, yet insist they split household bills equally. The abusive person may insist they control all the money and offer an allowance they control rather than share equally in financial responsibilities.<\/li>\n<li>Forcing sexual acts, sometimes minimized with comments such as, \u201cI just had too much to drink,\u201d or, \u201cI knew you really wanted it.\u201d<\/li>\n<li>Isolating the person. This can appear in the form of behaving rudely or in other socially inappropriate ways to discourage their partner\u2019s friends and family from wanting to be around them. The abusive person may find ways to keep their partner from spending time with family or friends, monitor their partner\u2019s conversations, and forbid their partner from communicating with others.<\/li>\n<li>Preventing a partner from working or advancing their education.<\/li>\n<li>Destroying a partner\u2019s property.<\/li>\n<li>Hurting, or threatening to hurt, a partner\u2019s pets.<\/li>\n<li>Belittling a partner for not doing things \u201cright\u201d (in the abusive person\u2019s opinion).<\/li>\n<li>Intimidating by creating an environment where a partner feels the need to \u201cwalk on eggshells\u201d; the world revolves around keeping the abusive person from being disturbed.<\/li>\n<li>Treating the abusive person\u2019s partner as if their needs and feelings do not exist, or as if they are a servant. At times, the abusive person may promise to change, but their behavior does not improve for long, if at all.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Abusive individuals often want the people they abuse to believe they are at fault: \u201cIf you would only ____, I would not get angry. You provoked me. You are crazy.\u201d To be clear, there is nothing any person can say or do that provokes or deserves abuse. While a person may behave in ways that could benefit from modification, those are <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/relationships\">relationship issues<\/a>. Domestic violence is not a relationship issue; it is in many cases a criminal act.<\/p>\n<p><span class=\"popout-quote-left\" style=\"font-weight: bold; width: 30%; float: left;\">Abuse loves when we don\u2019t talk about it; it thrives in silence. By giving a voice to those who feel they have none and talking about their pain, we give abuse nowhere to hide.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>In many states, a domestic violence charge does not necessarily need to include touching a partner. Destroying property, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/stalking\">stalking<\/a>, and harassing\u2014including menacing texts and phone calls\u2014can constitute domestic violence. Domestic violence may be addressed in three different types of court: criminal, civil, and family (American Bar Association, 2001). Abusive people will sometimes attempt to pressure or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/manipulation\">manipulate<\/a> a partner into dropping charges or to lie to help minimize the consequences of the abusive person\u2019s behavior.<\/p>\n<p>Often, a domestic violence relationship may seem like any happy relationship in the beginning, but becomes more controlling and abusive over time (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 2016). Because of this, people who have been abused sometimes report feeling <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/shame\">shame<\/a> for not recognizing the signs of abuse sooner. It is not unusual for someone leaving a domestic violence relationship to state they realized they were in a domestic violence relationship only after they felt it was too late to leave, and that they wanted to leave sooner but did not believe they could materially survive alone. However, many resources are available to assist with safety plans, housing, legal advocacy, and other resources.<\/p>\n<h2>Getting Help for Domestic Violence<\/h2>\n<p>If you or someone you care about is in a domestic violence relationship, you are not alone. To speak confidentially with a trained advocate, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. Live, private chat is also available at <a href=\"http:\/\/www.thehotline.org\/\" rel=\"nofollow noopener\" target=\"_blank\">http:\/\/www.thehotline.org\/<\/a>. Information and thousands of resources, including counseling, across the United States are available to people in an abusive relationship and to friends and family of a person they believe to be in an abusive relationship. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/find-therapist.html\">Contact a trained therapist<\/a> if you need further guidance or support.<\/p>\n<p>Abuse loves when we don\u2019t talk about it. It thrives in silence. By giving a voice to those who feel they have none and creating spaces for them to talk about their pain\u2014and offering support as they do so\u2014we give abuse nowhere to hide.<\/p>\n<p><strong>References:<\/strong><\/p>\n<ol>\n<li>American Bar Association. (2001). <em>Know your rights: Domestic violence.<\/em> Retrieved from http:\/\/www.americanbar.org\/content\/dam\/aba\/migrated\/publiced\/domviol.authcheckdam.pdf<\/li>\n<li>National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. (2016). <em>What is domestic violence? <\/em>Retrieved from http:\/\/ncadv.org\/learn-more\/what-is-domestic-violence<\/li>\n<li>National Domestic Violence Hotline. (2016). <em>Is this abuse? <\/em>Retrieved from http:\/\/www.thehotline.org\/is-this-abuse\/<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Domestic violence can take many forms, not all of them involving physical abuse. Know the signs of domestic violence and how to safely reach out for help.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3014,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542],"tags":[252,31,396,413,25,244],"class_list":["post-33072","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","tag-abuse-neglect-survivors","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-domestic-violence","tag-emotional-abuse","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-womens-issues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/33072","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3014"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=33072"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/33072\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=33072"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=33072"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=33072"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}