{"id":32673,"date":"2016-08-18T06:00:36","date_gmt":"2016-08-18T13:00:36","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=32673"},"modified":"2016-08-17T13:48:36","modified_gmt":"2016-08-17T20:48:36","slug":"6-essential-elements-of-a-strong-and-healthy-marriage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/6-essential-elements-of-a-strong-and-healthy-marriage-0818164","title":{"rendered":"6 Essential Elements of a Strong and Healthy Marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Close-upMarriage<\/a> rates in the United States are declining, according to a Demographic Intelligence report released in May 2015. At 6.74 marriages for every 1,000 people, the current rate is the lowest in a century, and further decline is expected.<\/p>\n

Researchers suggest two different interpretations of these statistics, however. While some see this rate as a clear indication that the marriage rate is declining, others suggest that people may simply be postponing marriage until later in life.<\/p>\n

For many, cohabitation may have replaced early marriage. In 1982, a study conducted by the National Center for Health Statistics, based on a nationally representative sample of women and men, reported that only 3% of women who lived with a man were unmarried, while 44% of women surveyed were married. The same survey, conducted between 2006 and 2010, found that 11% of women living with men were unmarried, while only 36% of respondents were married at the time of the survey. (The survey only surveyed men and women, and did not report on marriages\u00a0between individuals of the same gender.) The more recent survey implied that for the first time historically, people were postponing marriage: The probability of a woman being married by age 40, according to the data, was virtually identical across all years.<\/p>\n

Though the marriage rate appears to be declining, it is clear that many people still desire to marry. Why is that? Two people living together might\u00a0just as easily say to each other, “I will be committed to you forever,” and be done. Some partners do commit in this way, without much fuss, but others follow the more traditional ritual of marriage, complete with a ring, a party, an officiator, and crying friends and family members. For many, these traditions are invested with great meaning.

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Perhaps a desire to be connected at the core is what propels some people toward marriage. This \u201ccore,\u201d something nebulous that can\u2019t be pinpointed or measured scientifically, may serve to represent a level of deeper connection that many people aspire to reach. Some may feel this can only be accomplished through marriage. This idea may lead some who want this connection but fear they will never experience it to avoid seeking it altogether, in order to avoid hurt and disappointment.<\/p>\n

But beyond this core, I believe there are six essential elements to any strong and healthy marriage (or long-term partnership). These elements, more than any other benefit of marriage, may be what some people are seeking\u2014and waiting for.<\/p>\n

Connection<\/h2>\n

Most of us want to connect with others in some way. Many people consider meaningful connections\u2014whether these connections are with friends, family members, or significant others\u2014to be the most important part of their lives or what they desire most from life. A listening ear, validation, empathy<\/a>, sharing, and understanding can\u00a0all be elements of a healthy connection. These elements serve as a basis of establishment as well as\u00a0the benefits of the connection. This\u00a0connection is not limited to marriage, however. It can be experienced within the context of a friendship, parent-child relationship, or strong sibling relationship.<\/p>\n

A strong connection often serves as a foundation upon which other elements are built. Therefore, when we feel\u00a0disconnected from our\u00a0partner, this can be a warning sign, and it\u00a0might be beneficial to\u00a0seek the help of a professional<\/a> in order to avoid losing something fundamental.<\/p>\n

Commitment<\/h2>\n

Connection can be enjoyed in many types of relationships; thus, the desire to marry must be based on something more than simple connection. I believe that something is commitment<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Connection can be enjoyed in many types of relationships; thus, the desire to marry must be based on something more than simple connection. I believe that something is commitment.<\/span><\/p>\n

Commitment is more than just staying power. In some of the long-term cohabiting couples I have worked with, even couples who have been together long enough to have teenage children, one partner said they felt deprived, in a way, by not having been asked to get married.\u00a0It seems to me that commitment is the act of choosing a partner for life and, with\u00a0that act, implying unconditional acceptance of\u00a0the person\u2014flaws and all.<\/p>\n

Cohabiting, like marriage, can end at any time. But I believe the difference to lie\u00a0in the beginning, not the ending. For some, cohabitation\u00a0might begin with a sort of shrug, a “Let’s see if we can make this work.” It’s often an experiment. It might be a fun one, but for some, it represents a temporary state of being that will eventually lead to either breakup or marriage, rather than a long-term choice (though of course, some individuals enter a cohabiting arrangement committed to each other, with no plans to alter their arrangement).<\/p>\n

A breakup, after which a cohabiting partner\u00a0moves out, can be painful and difficult. But when a divorce ends a marriage, much\u00a0of the pain often lies in the rejection of the commitment upon which the marriage was founded.<\/p>\n

Giving<\/h2>\n

I do not often see “giving” in Top 10 lists, yet I can’t think of a more important grease to make a marriage run smoothly. Giving, to me, is the tangible show of commitment, of choice, of a deeper attachment than mere friendship. When one partner focuses solely on the self, the other partner becomes an object, not someone who is special and loved.<\/p>\n

True giving is unconditional. When we give\u00a0to get something in return, we are just being\u00a0selfish in a different way, and this type of giving is unlikely to strengthen a marriage.<\/p>\n

A person may also give out of fear<\/a> of being alone. This type of giving often comes from a lack of self-esteem<\/a>, or the internal belief, “I am not worthy of love,” and is often characterized by urgency and fear. This “needy giving,” often intended to keep the other\u00a0partner from leaving the relationship, is typically not an element of love<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Respect<\/h2>\n

Giving, even giving from the heart, doesn’t mean much if\u00a0we\u00a0don’t respect our\u00a0partner. Respect comes from a deep understanding of our\u00a0significant other, of their thoughts, reactions, opinions, values, and attitudes. Respect for who our\u00a0partner is may cause us\u00a0to look forward to their homecoming each night, make it unlikely we\u00a0feel bored in their company. Our\u00a0understanding of who our\u00a0partner is as a person, and our\u00a0respect for the qualities that make up our\u00a0partner, often leads to the growth of\u00a0admiration. This, in turn, may contribute to the\u00a0feelings of pleasure we experience in our partner’s company.<\/p>\n

Respect also might grow when the marriage, or either individual in it, faces a challenge. When a marriage is troubled, when one or both partners have lost their respect for the other due to mistakes,\u00a0choices they’ve made, or other issues, watching a\u00a0partner withstand trials, make different\u00a0choices, and repair their share of the damage can lead to the growth of new respect. This newfound respect may in fact become the soil in which the seeds of love are replanted, even when it seems a marriage is over.<\/p>\n

Trust<\/h2>\n

I believe that when there is a solid mutual connection, commitment, giving, and respect, the trust partners have for each other cannot be broken. There would be no reason behind breaking trust, no gain. It is my belief and experience that, for\u00a0betrayal to occur, there has to be a weak link somewhere. When one partner discovers the other partner is having an affair<\/a>, for example, it is\u00a0generally the case\u00a0that earlier warning signs were missed.<\/p>\n

To rebuild a sense of trust<\/a> when it has been lost, the connection between partners must be reestablished. To facilitate this, both partners must understand their role in the breakdown of the connection. (Both partners have typically contributed in some way to the breakdown of the connection, even if only by not drawing attention to the fact that the relationship was in danger.) This process of understanding, which requires honesty and soul-searching, is unlikely to be quick or simple. Partners must both be honest with themselves and with each other and make appropriate, heartfelt apologies. Open, vulnerable<\/a> honesty is not only an essential part of the healing process, it is also a necessity for what I have found to be the most important element of a marriage\u2014intimacy.<\/p>\n

Intimacy<\/h2>\n

Most people\u00a0immediately relate intimacy<\/a> to sex<\/a>, when actually, having sex can serve as\u00a0a way of avoiding<\/em> intimacy. The most important elements of intimacy are openness and honesty, both of which may\u00a0require the sharing of things that one is ashamed of. Yet being able to be vulnerable to a\u00a0partner is the very ingredient that makes the act of sex one of such supreme closeness and, well, intimacy.<\/p>\n

The vulnerability of real intimacy can be compared to the thrill of roller coasters: We know we won’t die, but we feel, in the pit of our stomach, as if we\u00a0might.\u00a0<\/em>We are about to give up our very selves, just for a moment, and we could lose everything in that moment. In terms of a partnership, it is in that moment that we are one.<\/p>\n

But how do we get there?\u00a0How do we\u00a0overcome the shyness, the shame of discussing a father who abandoned<\/a> the family or a mother who berated us and made us feel small?<\/p>\n

To do so, we must develop self-love<\/a>. We must get to that place where we know we are not our parents, where we no longer believe their abuse<\/a>. We must love ourselves for who we are and who we can be. This self-love is what can\u00a0eventually allow us to be open, honest, and vulnerable with another person.<\/p>\n

References:<\/strong><\/p>\n

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  1. Copen, C. E., Daniels, K., Vespa, J., &\u00a0Mosher, W. D. (2012, March 22). First marriages in the United States: Data from the 2006\u20132010 National Survey of Family Growth. National Health Statistics Reports, <\/em>(49). Retrieved from\u00a0http:\/\/www.cdc.gov\/nchs\/data\/nhsr\/nhsr049.pdf<\/li>\n
  2. Kaveh, K. (2015, December 14). 7 reasons marriage is on the decline.\u00a0The Huffington Post<\/em>. Retrieved from\u00a0http:\/\/www.huffingtonpost.com\/kathy-kaveh\/7-reasons-marriage-is-on-the-decline_b_8744654.html<\/li>\n
  3. Stevens, H. (2015, May 18). Marriage at a 100-year low\u2014and that’s a good thing.\u00a0Chicago Tribune.\u00a0<\/em>Retrieved from\u00a0http:\/\/www.chicagotribune.com\/lifestyles\/ct-marriage-in-decline-balancing-20150518-column.html<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    The U.S. marriage rate is declining, and long-term projections imply many are postponing marriage. Might they be waiting for a partnership with these traits?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2489,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542],"tags":[31,25,41],"class_list":["post-32673","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32673","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2489"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=32673"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32673\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=32673"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=32673"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=32673"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}