{"id":32537,"date":"2016-08-08T08:00:42","date_gmt":"2016-08-08T15:00:42","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=32537"},"modified":"2017-12-07T13:32:31","modified_gmt":"2017-12-07T21:32:31","slug":"how-to-talk-to-your-daughter-about-her-body-and-sexuality","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/how-to-talk-to-your-daughter-about-her-body-sexuality-0808165","title":{"rendered":"How to Talk to Your Daughter About Her Body and Sexuality"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignleft size-medium wp-image-33263\" src=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/08\/mother-daughter-talking-on-sofa-300x200.jpg\" alt=\"mother and teenage daughter sit and talk on sofa\" width=\"300\" height=\"200\" data-id=\"33263\" title=\"\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/08\/mother-daughter-talking-on-sofa-300x200.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/08\/mother-daughter-talking-on-sofa.jpg 724w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/>Most mothers\u00c2\u00a0likely\u00c2\u00a0want their daughters to develop a positive <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/body-image\">body image<\/a> and a healthy sexual self-esteem. However, many\u00c2\u00a0moms inadvertently act in ways that are counter to this goal, often because they may feel shy or embarrassed to talk about their bodies and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/sex-and-sexuality\">sexuality<\/a>.\u00c2\u00a0This message may, over time, get passed along to their daughters.<\/p>\n<p>What is a healthy sexual self-esteem, exactly? This refers to a person\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s ability to connect to their sexual identity and self in an age- and developmentally appropriate way. Healthy sexual self-esteem could\u00c2\u00a0mean experiencing our body in a sexual way, enjoying our body sexually, and eventually sharing our body sexually with someone else. Many moms tell me they want to raise their daughters to be like this one day. They want their daughters to feel great about their bodies and to experience pleasure when they are older, in a healthy adult <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/relationships\">relationship<\/a>. The question is: how do we get there?<\/p>\n<p>First of all, it may be necessary to reframe the part of you that still believes talking to your daughter about her body and sexuality may be harmful. The research does not support this notion. In a study published in 2008 in the <em>Journal of Adolescent Health<\/em>, for example, researchers Kohler et al. found that adolescents who received comprehensive sex education were significantly less likely to report teen <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/pregnancy-and-birthing\">pregnancy<\/a> than those who had received abstinence-only education. In fact, abstinence-only education did not reduce the likelihood of engaging in vaginal intercourse, but comprehensive sex education did.<\/p>\n<p>[fat_widget_right]<\/p>\n<p>With the research firmly on the side of talking to your daughter about her sexuality, how do you go about it?<\/p>\n<h2>General Tips<\/h2>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Start early and deliver age-appropriate messages. <\/strong>This conversation is a years-long one.\u00c2\u00a0Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t wait for children to ask questions or initiate, as some may be too <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/embarrassment\">embarrassed<\/a>. As the adult, overcome any discomfort you feel and talk to them.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Model healthy body image, no matter your shape or size.<\/strong> Reject media images of so-called ideals. Promote a\u00c2\u00a0greater picture of health and nutrition rather than focusing on fat or weight specifically. Model appropriate affection with your partner.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Be real.<\/strong> This means being direct, honest, and conveying the facts alongside a positive and affirming perspective.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2>Toddler Years<\/h2>\n<ul>\n<li>Put a positive spin on bodily functions (i.e., \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You threw up because your body was saying the food you ate did not work well in your body. Your body can be trusted and knows how to protect you!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d).<\/li>\n<li>Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/shame\">shame<\/a> their bodies by saying things like, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Go put your clothes on,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t run around the house naked.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/li>\n<li>Teach them the correct names of body parts: vagina, penis, testicles, etc.<\/li>\n<li>When the time comes\/when they ask, tell them how babies are made. For example: \u00e2\u20ac\u0153When a mommy and daddy love each other very much, the mommy\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s egg meets the daddy\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s sperm and that makes a baby. Then the baby grows in the mommy\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s uterus until it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s big enough to come out. When the baby\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s ready, the uterus squeezes, and the baby comes out of the vagina. Then mommy\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s body goes back to the way it was.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2>Pre-Puberty\/Puberty<\/h2>\n<ul>\n<li>Put a positive spin on distressing changes (i.e., \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00c2\u00a0are\u00c2\u00a0becoming a woman! That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s wonderful! Welcome to the world of womanhood.&#8221;). At the same time, discuss openly any negative aspects of puberty-related changes rather than glossing over them.<\/li>\n<li>Tell stories from your childhood\u00e2\u20ac\u201dyour first period, perhaps, or even embarrassing stories. Show them that you survived and they will, too.<\/li>\n<li>Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t shame their bodies with messages like, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t wear that.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/li>\n<li>Teach them about male and female puberty, natural bodily changes, and the basics of sex.<\/li>\n<li>Take your daughter to get her first bra. Bring it up; she may be too embarrassed.<\/li>\n<li>Give her deodorant, a razor, sanitary pads, tampons, etc. Tell her you have noticed she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s becoming a beautiful young woman. Again, pre-empt these things.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2>Adolescence<\/h2>\n<ul>\n<li>Encourage your daughter to trust her body and to listen to it (i.e., if she gets a stomachache before a test, talk to her about how her body is telling her something).<\/li>\n<li>Again, don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t shame their bodies. Talk about what messages they want to portray about themselves by the way they dress and appear. Share examples from your own life.<\/li>\n<li>Talk about relationships as portrayed in books and movies and how those portrayals differ from real life. Talk about couples dynamics and what your child may\u00c2\u00a0like\/doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t like about how relationships are portrayed vs. the reality of relationships.<\/li>\n<li>Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t encourage her to hide her wanting to grow up. Pick your battles. If you find out she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s tweezing her eyebrows, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not the end of the world. Instead, help her find an article online about eyebrow tweezing (or whatever else) and use this as an opportunity for open discussion.\u00c2\u00a0Shaming a child can lead the child\u00c2\u00a0to want to hide things from you later.<\/li>\n<li>Talk to her about her period. Introduce her to the variety of menstrual supplies available and encourage her to explore all of them to discover what works best for her. Tampons may seem scary, for example, but using them may help some <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/child-and-adolescent-issues\">adolescents<\/a>\u00c2\u00a0become more comfortable with their bodies. Help her get used to her period as a normative event, not something shameful or secret.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Raising any child is difficult, but\u00c2\u00a0raising a daughter may come with its own particular challenges. To promote healthy body image and sexual self-esteem, keep your conversations real and regular, be a trusted resource for accurate information, and model what you want your daughter to aspire to both in and out of relationships.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Reference:<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Kohler, P. K., Manhart, L. E., &amp; Lafferty, W. E. (2008). Abstinence-only and comprehensive sex education and the initiation of sexual activity and teen pregnancy. <em>Journal of Adolescent Health<\/em>,\u00c2\u00a042, 344-351.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Being a mother raising a daughter comes with delicate challenges, including promoting a healthy body image and sexual self-esteem. Consider these tips.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2778,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542,623],"tags":[31,237,21,51,25,244],"class_list":["post-32537","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","category-issues-treated","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-body-image","tag-child-and-adolescent-issues","tag-healthy-parenting","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-womens-issues"],"acf":{"author_show":false,"author_name":"","author_role":"","author_avatar":null,"author_profile_url":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32537","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2778"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=32537"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32537\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=32537"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=32537"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=32537"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}